[Luctor]

I've introduced myself in the main section, but I haven't really introduced myself here in the BPD section, where I'll probably spend most of my time.

I have been seeing psychiatrists and psychologists since I was 8. The main problem: anger, rage, aggression. I was diagnosed and misdiagnosed with everything from tourettes syndrome to ADHD to GAD and beyond. I was put on ritalin as a child which, being bipolar as well, made my moods even worse.

My father physically, verbally and emotionally abused me from days after I was born until my early twenties. My mother is a narcissist whose criticism, of everything, from the way I chewed, walked and sat, to how I turned the pages of a magazine, cut through me and destroyed my self-esteem. She was also unable to console me during my father's abuse. Which is why I crave physical affection and intimacy so much.

About 4 years ago after realising I needed to get back into therapy, for my own betterment and to be a better person to the people in my life, I started therapy again. I had done a lot of research and, the first thing I said when I walked into my T's offices was "I believe I have borderline personality disorder". She played it down and told me that's unlikely.

Fast forward 4 years and she finally, officially handed me the BPD diagnosis. That was in August last year. Since then I've been doing the DBT coursework with her. Once every two weeks. I've already made some progress with talk therapy alone, and I'm a quick, eager learner. So this non-intensive way of doing DBT is going to work - I believe it in my soul. I am medicated and have my anger almost completely under control. My main concerns now are my criticism of people I love and jealous insecurity.

Anyway, at the moment I'm going through a break up. I'm 31 years old, and thought I'd found "the one". I was open and honest with her about my condition. At first she was supportive and understanding. She did the research, read the books, and promised me the world. But slowly, my BPD reared its ugly head and I pushed her beyond her boundaries, and she left me.

And that's why I'm here. I need all the support, empathy and compassion I can get. I am literally experiencing a BPD's worst nightmare: Abandonment. Before I met her, I was in one of my lowest slumps in years. She was the sole reason I pulled though, and now she's left me. I am terrified. And in constant, unrelenting emotional pain. At times I am barely coping. But most of the time I am completely overwhelmed by the pain of this loss.

So, for the time being, my focus will probably be about the loss of this relationship and the trauma it's causing me. But I am not always this down. I am quite resilient, positive and helpful. I came here to find support, and once I'm better, I will stay to support others. And offer help where I can.

I started a small BPD subgroup on the SAS (Social Anxiety Support) forums, but it was mostly inactive, so I was referred here. I'm quite knowledgable on most mental health issues, BPD especially. I have overcome a lot in my life, but, like most of you, I still struggle at times.

I'm really looking forward to getting to know you all. I've already been received with open arms and kind words, for which I am hugely grateful. I am going to rely quite heavily on you guys through this dark patch, but I look forward to one day repaying the favour.

That's me. What's your story?

[Girl_interrupted89]

hi there Let me share to you a quote that I read..

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune. - william james
Don't blame yourself for what happened. Just think that it happened for a reason, maybe its just really not meant to be, maybe there is someone out there that is really the "one" for you. maybe your just not ready yet to meet her so fate/destiny whatsoever hasn't introduced her yet or showed her yet to you. I'm sorry if my advice is crappy i've been out of the forums for 2 months and just coming back again. anyways if you need a friend or someone who you can talk too feel free to pm me or post on my wall. I'll get back as soon as I can.

[beautifulfreak]

Hi luctor thanks for sharing. We kind of encountered one another on the threads previously. I can certainly relate to most of what your shared here.

I am in emotional turmoil…you can read it in the check-in if you wish. It's a snippet of how I am feeling.

You seem a very kind, compassionate and caring individual from what I read here in your post.

I have done the full bona fide DBT programme. Think I may have mentioned that already.

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours.

If you ever wish to contact me you know where to find me. However, I not always logged on and I also live I Ireland so I tend to receive messages really late or really early.

That is all I can offer currently because I am in so much pain, however, I will try to help/talk to you if I am able.

[Luctor]

Thank you both for your responses.

There is so much sadness and pain on these boards. I wish I could take it all away and end the perpetual suffering we must endure. My heart goes out to all of you. Sincerely.

Welcome! I've already "met" you in some of the threads but I'm glad that you've posted a little more about yourself. We're happy to have you around the forum.

Originally Posted by Luctor

I am going to rely quite heavily on you guys through this dark patch, but I look forward to one day repaying the favour.

Rely on us all you need to. I leaned quite heavily (from my perspective) on this forum when I recently lost a friendship and I felt supported through that. That's what we're here for.

[wadingthruemotions]

Howdy.

Nice to officially meet you here. I think we have posted on other forum posts back and forth as well.

Abandonment...that is my biggest fear. I have done some pretty desperate things in the past in hopes of never being left. Usually didn't help or work.

I am lucky though and have been in one aspect of life and that is my hubby. We have been married now for 13 and a half years. We have known each other for over 2 decades. He's had his issues though no where near mine. I have pushed him farther than anyone else in my life and he refuses to leave me. I don't deserve him but I am thankful to hghest degree for him. I wouldn't be here on earth today if he wasn't with me. He has saved me more times than I can count.

I offer that to you as a sliver of hope that there are those out there like him. I wish you luck.

[shezbut]

(((Luctor)))

I am sorry to hear about your difficult childhood.

I can relate to many aspects as well. I am in DBT for the second time, and I've found it to be very helpful so far. Interpersonal Effectiveness is definitely the most challenging part for me. While I've been an active group member for 1 1/2 years, I have always had a very difficult time with both Relationship Effectiveness and Self-Respect Effectiveness.

I am slowly getting better at DEARMAN skills, using them a couple of times a week, instead of none. I'm not a real quick learner though.

When you're feeling miserable, lonely and sad, use the Distress Tolerance skills to help you get through those moments. For example, imagery really helps me. I like to imagine myself at the beach or in the mountains alone & completely safe. I use all of my sensations in the imagery as well ~ sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. Doing this on a daily basis, makes it easier and quicker to bring yourself into a calmer state of mind.

You're welcome to ask more specific Q's if you'd like/need to. Best wishes to you!

My story isn't worth writing down, so I just thought I'd say hi.

[Fuzzybear]

I don't have many words but want to say hi. Welcome!!