Not Feeling Normal.

And it all started Saturday evening. I was playing a video game, and without reason, I felt like I was watching through someone elses eyes while she played the game. It didn't affect my ability to play, and it only lasted about a minute, but it happened two or three times.
Then, all through yesterday, I was bouncing between intense frustration at the same game, and happy energy. I took a shower, went for a walk, spent time with my family.
Shortly before dinner, with no apparent reason, I crashed. No more energy. Dazed and confused mind. By eight o'clock I just wanted to go to bed. At ten I actually did, but I might have awakened a couple times in the middle of the night, I don't remember.
Today has just been ugh. I'm tired and crabby, with a hair-trigger temper. I just had a talking-to about "staying zen" and controling my temper. Which won't happen, because I can feel the anger-heat under my skin. I'm a time bomb.

I don't know what the point of writing this was. Feel free to ignore me.

I brought mine on myself for the most part (tiny bit of help being ignored by someone too but I was already crappy). I am also a time bomb waiting to go off at what will be I am sure the most inappropriate time to happen.

I relate.

Here's hoping we get diffused before we explode and destroy our towns/cities. Or our lives, anyway.

To me this sounds like depression. The "feeling like I was watching through someone else's eyes while she played the game" is depersonalization, when you feel disconnected from your body (or reality, that'd be called derealization). I'd get these feelings nearly every day, for years, before I started taking medication. It was extremely unnerving and just weird. You being short-tempered, frustrated, dazed, all makes me think you're depressed. But that's just what I think based on my experience, I could be wrong.

I hope that is the case. This one maybe on a level to do just that if it goes far enough. All of my distractions feel like are laughing back at me like, yea keep this up why don't you, hahaha.

Not fun. I am getting angrier at myself due to this as well and I just can't seem to pipe it down any. I am fed up with so many things its like they are all being pushed in my face one at a time for the purpose of making me feel more horrible than I do, if that is even possible. I am so tired of this.

i wish you luck as well.

I sure as heck feel depressed. I don't want to do anything, and my appetite is pretty much gone. My concentration is almost nonexistent. I just want to be left alone by the world, because I don't feel like anyone really cares. I know logically that isn't true, but emotions are so detached from logic...

No wonder everything I write is so angsty.

Music and writing are normally helpful to me, but I can't concentrate enough to focus on either. I feel like everyone's criticising me (in real life, not on here). So I can relate completely.
Ugh. Just ugh.

Do you know how long all of this has been going on?

I understand this feeling. I don't have the depersonalization, but I have the feeling of not feeling normal lately. I just feel so anxious, like at any moment everything is going to fall apart. Like I'm walking around with one of those huge custom-made cakes they make on Ace of Cakes and I'm going to drop it at any second and ruin the whole thing. (Ever see those cakes? They're huge and take days to make. Dropping it would be a disaster.) I went out with my good friend last night and had a good time but was so anxious that, at the end of the night, ruined things by sending angsty texts to him after I got home because I was anxious being home alone (I wanted to stay out longer just so I didn't have to be alone). I understand the bouncing between frustration and happiness and the need to control your temper... I wish I could control mine better right now; I wouldn't have ruined our nice time last night. Anyway, enough about me. I just wanted to say that, on some level, I relate.

This particular cycle started yesterday, but it's not the first one. I've depersonalized before, usually when I'm not feeling great, and as I mentioned in an earlier post, I recently noticed I swing between happy and depressed alot. The tendency for depression has grown over time, but I first noticed a mild depressive episode almost a year and a half ago, right after Christmas.

I wish I had the not eating problem. Right now I am shoveling food in my face, can't seem to stop and no amount of it being shoved in will feel this emptiness and hatred hole that I have.

I just started with the PC mood tracker on Saturday, and today I scored something like 24 for depression and 40 for anxiety. Two days ago depression was 14 and anxiety was 16. So this came on pretty suddenly. I can empathize with the anxiety, because it's always when I feel like this that I'm most likely to get in trouble with my family, and I don't want that.

I either don't feel like eating anything or I eat too much. The former is bad because I'm not far from being underweight.

I'm right on the edge of underweight myself, so... yeah.

I wrote a poem about bpd back in January, when I first discovered it. I haven't thought about it in a while, but I think it sums up how we feel pretty well. Here's the link, but be careful about reading it. It could be triggering. The Void

Very true in the words of your poem. Very beautiful as well. You are a very good write.

Where is this mood tracker? I didn't know there was one.

Here's the link. Click here

Oh, cool. Thanks!

I'm sorry that you're feeling crabby and angry, I hope you feel better. BTW I read your poem, it's very good.. I liked it!

...I'm awful. I'm horrible. I'm creepy. Guys I can't even tell you how creepy I've become and quite honestly I wish I had someone to talk to about it because it's killing me but I'm scared.

you aren't creepy! you can talk to me if you want to.