Dead Inside.

This morning I heard my dad ask something about the shop my family owns. My brother said something like "We might. I won't say for sure that we do, but we might." I came into the room a few seconds later and asked what we might. But my brother seemed confused and said that no one had said anything like that.
Uh-oh.

Ever since that moment, my day has been both normal and horrible. The omlet I made for breakfast was raw inside. I went out to mow the grass, and halfway through I was near tears because the ground was so uneven that our hand mower kept catching on things. A rosebush caught on my shirt and I panicked, because it felt like someone had grabbed me. I almost broke down right there, and actually cried a little when I saw that I had some stuff to move if I wanted to finish mowing.

When I got back inside I was hot and tired and looking forward to having watermelon for a snack. My brother had eaten it all, so I went right back out to pull some weeds. Lunch was half a wilty chief's salad left over from two days ago.

That is how my day has been so far, and now I feel dead. Up to now, gardening has made me feel calmer and less stressed than I've been in months, but without any warning at all, it's making me more stressed than I was before. I thought I was doing a good job taking care of things, but now it feels like I'm not getting anywhere. And last night, even though my whole body hurt, I did the dishes for my brother when he ate too much. I've done more in the past week than I did in the entire month before, and no one even acknowledges it unless I point it out.

I'm leaving this here before I start crying again.

*hugs* I understand totally how you feel. one thing after another happened and it's just gone from bad to worse for you it seems. I think that things have you off a bit and so even doing things that make you calmer normally are not doing that for you now.

I know how it feels to be unappreciated too. Unfortunately we can't make them appreciate what we're doing for them but it is a good thing that you are doing. In spite of that keep on doing what you're doing and I promise you'll come out better for it.

It took me years of workin in the IT industry and keep plugging away at it before I was even truly offered the job I have now which is a good one financially. But I had to keep going, doing what I thought/knew was right and not expect to be noticed, acknowledged or much less appreciated. Eventually it comes back around to you but the journey there is a tough one.

Hang in there. I hope this helps.

All last year, I was told I didn't do enough to help out, around the house as well as in the garden. So why does no one say anything now that I am doing more? I just don't get it.
Yesterday I was happy with what I was doing. Today I feel like I don't do enough well enough. I hate it.

Well that's partly human nature. People tend to remember and notice the negatives and tend to neglect to notice those things that are positive. When you're making mistakes more, people will be very critical of you but when you're doing what they "expect" it tends to go unnoticed more unless they are the types of people that work at really encouraging and complimenting people.

Think about the last bad experience you had at a store or anywhere. I bet you can recall one. Now try to think of one experience that was equally as memorable in a good way. It's hard to do. I don't know why but we just pay attention to the negative things more and keep them in mind for longer.

I think of it this way. If a dog, for example, gets too close to a fire, it gets burned and will usually avoid fire afterward. But if it's being trained and gets a reward whenever it does something right, it usually takes a few times for it to make the connection between the action and the reward.

I guess what I'm getting at is that living creatures survive by avoiding the bad things, so they have to learn fast, and remember for a long time. But the good things tend to be harder to remember when they aren't tied to survival.

Okay. I'm done.

That's a good analysis.

Thanks. I spent five minutes on it.

Parents are just people and very imperfect at that. I have failed my kids in many ways, I know i have complained about things they aren't doing but then forget to commend them when they do well.
But yeah it is a human thing. If we have a friendly cashier, rarely does someone write in and say HEY #13 was awesome today, but if #13 was being a cow then BOY will she hear about it.
I feel unappreciated very often. My kids don't appreciate me (or thats how i see it) they rarely thank me for dinner and would rather complain about what's on the plate, my husband never tells me i am doing a good job with the house or that hes thankful i make his lunch each day for him, but if something ISNT in place then i will hear about it for sure.

Anyhow, sorry for derailing with my own issues and Im sorry that your day has collapsed in on itself like that. When our inner structure is weakened, its sooo easy for anything piled onto us to cause a full collapse. ((hugs))

This is so true. I don't expect the kids to thank me but much of the time (maybe I just notice it) they do.. One thing I've learned though is that kids - and possible our adult peers, tend to do what we do. I think that even non-bpd people tend to mold and mimic each other at least a little and that's part of bonding so that being said, I think that we have to acknowledge that others cannot be changed by us but we can change us. What we do will tend to catch on so if we are more thankful of others, I think eventually people will do the same to us if they are in any kind of influenced place, like say a good friend, a husband and especially kids.

I'm surprised at times when even my Aspie child thanks me. (not always but enough ) And I realize that even when I have them do chores that they hate and are required to do, and grumble all the way doing.. even when I have to say 3x, go take the garbage out... etc, when they come back, (I'm not perfect so not everytime) I try to say "thanks" for doing it. I think this has in effect caused them to mimic me and do the same at times.

I'm not saying in any way, to either you or Ultra D, that you aren't thankful or grateful and you're 100% to blame if others are not that way toward you, dont' get me wrong. What I am saying is that I do think if we go out of our way to do so for others, the tendency is that you'll affect them and I think it will come back to you eventually.

That reminds me of something I've heard. It's basically "What you put out into the world will come back to you x3". I've also heard 7.

i think it's a real principle. Although it is usually delayed I think it's true.

Et tu Karma?

No. I dont' believe in karma at all. Karma implies we will pay for things in another life, this principle really is related to things that happen while we're still here. I mean Karma is like if you do all this bad stuff you may come back as a lesser being because of it..etc. I know people tend to bend the meaning of Karma but really that is it's true application.

I went through a period at work a few years ago, Ultra Darkness, when I seemed to become the Invisible Employee & my work went uncounted. I'm the only part-time worker & work night & weekend shifts. In spite of the fact that I've been there longer than anyone & have worked every position, the full time workers all have Seniority over me. One literally physically moved me aside to pre-empt my handling of a customer who had harassed me to break rules for her two previous nights that week.
I know it's different with family--but any time we're treated as if we're worthless, the pain is deep. Read in the Self Esteem Forum ... you might get some ideas. Check in some of the area and blog areas of PsychCentral too, and read up on feeling better about yourself--without having to come right out and ask people to say good things about you.
In the case of me at work, I checked job descriptions and found that no staff member in my shift was in charge of me--the Librarian was.
Please take best care of you--in all ways.
Roadie

Ah, ok. Yeah, I've seen karma misused as a word then. Ah well.

Also, I'm feeling better now. In case you hadn't noticed.

Yay! ::: throws purple confetti everywhere in celebration of her lifting of moods :::