My personality is making me miserable :(

I have not been diagnosed with BPD, but I struggle a lot with splitting and a very unstable sense of self, so I was hoping that I could gain some insight from posting here. If it is inappropriate for me to post here, please let me know.

My severe mood swings, frequent dysphoria, splitting, low confidence and self-esteem, and very unstable self of self causes me great distress in my life. I feel like my T isn’t taking this seriously. She says that everything will work itself out once I have a strong support system of friends when I’m older (I’m 23), but the way that I perceive people and the world really hurt my ability to make friends and be happy.

I never see people as humans with traits favorable and not favorable to me. I see people as being the coolest ever and try to forge a strong friendship way too soon, and then despise them for any slight to me and then become a bit afraid of them and the world in general. Sometimes, I am so okay with the intense person that I am and at others times, I feel like I am trapped with this detestable personality that I want to get rid of but can’t. I am rarely content. I am either super giddy (and often impulsive) or depressed or anxious and self-loathing or just feeling unwell and feeling the need to talk and confess things to people.

What is really scaring me is that I have been entertaining the thought of self-mutilation (I have a history of it) in order to “punish” myself for being who I am and not who I should be because I feel that in that way I could do this atonement and then get rid of these feelings and be happy. I know its a bad thing to do and I despise my scars, but I have been considering buying a toy whip or bruising myself with a brush so I don’t scar.

I feel that no one is taking my mental health seriously and that no one could possibly understand me and I just want to be stable and happy and okay with myself but it feels impossible. I feel that therapy isn’t “helping me”, but just keeping me going. Sometimes I feel that I’ll never fit in or be okay and it would be better for myself and the general public if I wasn’t around to bother people. I feel like I should just stay inside.

Has anyone been here or can offer advice or support? I’d really appreciate it. This ia getting too hard to bear

GAD, Panic, depression

I wish I had advice, but I'm often in the same boat. I can offer understanding though - I too have that feeling of that if I punish myself enough, then maybe I can deserve good things and be happy. I can say that it never works. I just hate myself more for what I've done and it becomes a vicious cycle.

As for the therapy, perhaps keeping you going is a form of "helping" you?

reddSN, deep down I know it is, but the progress always feels so slow and its depressing to feel like I can't ever stop going.

Hey. I know what you are going through, at least somewhat. I was finally diagnosed with BPD in 2004, I think. The best advice I can give is to give yourself a bit of a break. Try to stay out of your head. Mulling over stuff will get you nowhere. My belief is that over time BPD symptoms lesson. You just have to hold on tight. You will need to find some meds that work for you. It is different for everyone. I use Prozac & Welbutron. Always be honest with your T otherwise you are just wasting time.

Again, I really have to say that the best advice I have ever been given was, "Get out of your head." My T would tell me that over & over. I didn't quite know what he was talking about at first but finally I got it. The best way to get out your head is distraction. I started doing puzzles, then origami, biking, anything really but art really is good for me.

I hope something I've said here helps. I've not made a signature yet but I have been SI free for about 2yrs & I have a full time job. 2yrs only because of a slip otherwise it would have been 5yrs. :-)

It sounds to me like your T isn't taking you seriously at all. Maybe its time to request someone else if you feel they are not listening. Ive been passed on from person to person and the last T I saw it just clicked, and i ended up making a proper recovery (until recently, but thats life lol)

With the self harm, its really easy to fall in to that trap of just doing it a few times to having a full on serious addiction that you cant stop and not even realise you have a problem. I got to the point where i didnt want to do it anymore but the urges were so strong I blacked out and have no memory of doing it. and no memory = no control! With SI i will always advise people in the opposite direction, not to cross addict with other things because its just simply not adressing the problem at hand. SI doesnt work as punishment, as it is not punishment, you are simply just feeding something you want/need. Running helped for me. Exercise is punishment enough in some peoples eyes!

Step outside of your mind and see what you really deserve. And you'll find its not punishment. Its a good therapist who you connect with and a nice recovery from the issues you have still get to resolve. Its not your 'personality' thats making you miserable, its other issues that are influencing the way you see yourself the way you do. And once you face those demons, you will see what kind of amazing person you really are, there will be no need to punish yourself and its SUCH a good feeling. Trust me, i've been there

Thanks for all the support, guys