BPD

I have recently been told by my psychiatrist that I have a personality disorder, I am waiting for psychological therapy to start which feels like years I've been waiting their taking that long to sort it out. In the mean time I'm really struggling to the point I don't want to be here anymore. I thought I would never be a person to ever think like this but I just don't seem to be able to stop myself. My mood this weekend has been horrendous to say the least and I'm surprised I still have a partner because he has been in the firing line of my mood. Yet I don't feel sorry for it either, which confuses me because deep down I know I probably should feel sorry for the way I've behaved towards him. I am 25 years old and there are other members of my family who suffer with mental health issues so I suppose you could say it was inevitable that I wouldn't escape something but that still hasn't prepared me for these thoughts and feelings I am going through right now. I feel lost within myself, I don't feel I know who I am or why I'm even here. I feel angry and feel a huge urge to smash my entire apartment up, I am struggling with the concept of having to speak to anyone about anything face to face just the thought of it annoys me. Even down to just nipping to the shop and saying hello when buying something annoys me. I don't even want to speak to my family and I find myself finding reasons not to and reasons why there out to get me if you like. I just cant be bothered with anything the slightest thing makes me angry, yet I don't like who I have become anymore always stressed, angry, upset, alone, low. What is wrong with me really this is ridiculous!!

Maybe you are reacting to the change in your life. If you're used to always dealing with your problems alone and your parents and family haven't been there to help, and you may have borderline, you are probably feeling a 'split' inside yourself. On one side you really want help, to open up, to feel understood, something you never experienced before, but on the other side you are so afraid that it won't happen, expect it not to, want to push away and just hide and stay the way you always did.
It's so brave of you to have taken the step to recovery and that in itself really proves that all you want is a hand to reach out to you and help you. You are afraid of opening up to someone and have it all thrown back in your face and that is very understandable.
When you get to the therapist sessions, take it slow. Open up as much as you feel comfortable with, tell your therapist this is uncomfortable and you have never done this before and just do it step by step. Don't pressure yourself. Answer the things you feel comfortable with and save whatever questions your therapist has for a later time when you have more trust in that person.
Being diagnosed with a personality disorder is going to help you find out who you are and why you feel the way you feel. It sounds a lot like to me that what you are going through right now is identity confusion and I get that a lot myself during changes and when new things are introduced in my life. They are unknown and therefore intimidating and frightening.
Take your time and know that things are not getting worse because you are reacting to them, but that it is your personality disorder coming into play. It isn't you, it is something else that is alien inside of you. I really wish you luck with your therapy.

Thank you so much everything you have said in this reply is so right, I have been so confused recently and I have even found myself questioning my relationship with my partner to. I'm finding it really difficult to cope with anything at home but at the same time I am really enjoying going to and being at work. I think its because I don't feel like I'm being judged because I've not long been there they don't know much about me yet. And that's how I like it . Thanks again its helped that someone understands

I am so happy I could help in some way !
I think you just need to give it time and let the changes settle. I know that I get as confused as you do when things change, because I feel that I am an entirely different person before and after the change. I think it is due to our condition and that we just don't have a stable core like others do. We lose ourselves very easily.
Work is probably helping you becoming distracted so you don't have to focus on your fears about starting therapy. I'm glad there is something you can do that helps you escape your inner turmoil while it lasts! Give your relationship a chance till you are more settled and your therapy has become everyday, so that you know you are looking at it with more objective eyes.
Glad I could help