[thevitaminu100]

Hi, I'm a newbie here. I signed up primarily for this BPD section. I've been diagnosed with BPD and AvPD, and dysthymia. I first started suspecting that I may have BPD around age 18, but the diagnostic criteria sounded too extreme. 6 years later, after many more pdocs, 2 suicide attempts (one serious) and 2 hospitalisations, more self-mutilation, inability to keep a job or study, numerous car accidents, much indiscriminate casual sex, many more regretable actions, years wasted doing pretty much nothing, etc, I was being discharged from hospital for the 2nd time -- and they'd written those three diagnoses on a medical report I needed. Never did anyone tell me... it might have made a difference when I was younger... but probably not. I guess as a teen it's easier for people to write off BPD symptoms as "typical teenage" stuff, but when it drags into your mid-20s it starts to become obvious something is wrong.
Over the years things have improved, and right now is probably the best I've been in a very long time. I no longer self-injure, my social anxiety has mostly disappeared, I'm doing something with my life and doing well at it, and my relations with my family are good and they are supportive. The hardest part for me now are the transient negative feelings which I'm sure everyone is familiar with. For me, as the social anxiety is much better now, the discomfort and negativity I experience when amongst others (particularly, amongst strangers, as we all are in our modern societies) arises from my BPD. I'm hyper-sensitive to peoples' expressions and actions, and probably detect more disapproval from them than is real, and it really affects me still. So being in crowds or anywhere busy is not fun.
Along with that it's just the loneliness. I deal with the interpersonal hypersensivity by avoiding people mostly, "especially" relationships. It's in that sense that I'm lonely. I do have supportive family who I appreciate very much (I occassionally think that they should've just disowned me years and years ago), but that's it pretty much, besides a few faculty at school.
So pretty much, I'm just wondering how BPD has progressed for you over the years.

[allme]

Hello and welcome. For me (am now 32) it gradually got worse. Then it gets better then it goes bad, up and down up and down and so forth. I hear it is supposed to get better with time but who knows. Sorry a bit wound up today so not very optimistic

Hugs to you

I have to agree...it goes up and down...mostly down here lately but thats because I'm having issues with my bf who is also BPD...and my overwhelming feelings of fear that we're going to break up after he leaves from his visit in a few weeks and how I'm supposed to cope with that. Once he said 'why does it always have to be about you and how you feel?' Because, baby, this time its not ME walking away. For once, I'M not the one giving up...it's the person I love who's giving up. So...as I say, it's up and it's down.

I have to admit I at least understand a lot about my reactions before they start although I can't always get a handle on them. That, I gather takes practice and patience. I'm willing to go for the fomer, but I have very little of the latter.

K...wasn't too cheerful either...sowwie.

[transientsoul]

Hi TVU, welcome to the forum. I'm pretty new here myself.

As my last therapist was a real asshat, I'm not sure she officially Dx me with BPD, but of all the things I've read it definitely fits me better than the original Dx of Bp2 from an MD.

I think once I lit on "Aha... that's it." It did help somewhat to realize there was an actual condition and that even though I didn't have disorder a,b,c or d, there -was- a legitimate reason for the vacillating emotions I had and the tendency toward feelings of abandonment, clinging and alternately toward F-you, I hate you leave me alone. You know reading about it was like the little lightbulb coming on over my head.

Over the years, just because I'm getting older I think I'm learning to cope better so far as BPD symptoms, or maybe it is just a sort of acceptance around certain circumstances in my life that seem inevitable. I've also become more spiritual along the lines of Buddhist thought and practice, and that helps at times.

Good luck with your Dx, treatment and finding help here at PC. It seems like a really great forum.

[thevitaminu100]

Thanks for the replies.. I'd like to say I'm hopeful, but not really...

[d00mbunneh]

I'd like to think eventually things will start taking a turn for the better, but every time I start working on one problem I get diagnosed with something new lol.

[TheRealFDeal]

I avoid relationships too, because they are too dangerous emotionally. But the loneliness is excruciating.

[greentires4me]

long story short...my alcoholism is taking a stand at the back of the bus...
I am really emotionally hurt I have never had this before and don't know how to deal with it. I am really depressed and sleep most of the day which is also hard to deal with. I can only emotionally do one thing a day I find before exhaustion slips in I feel like I need to sleep. but I don't find the need to be suicidal like before I was almost everyday. I am just trying to stay awake which seems impossible. I am not bored, or lonely I am just really tired.

[allme]

Originally Posted by greentires4me

long story short...my alcoholism is taking a stand at the back of the bus...
I am really emotionally hurt I have never had this before and don't know how to deal with it. I am really depressed and sleep most of the day which is also hard to deal with. I can only emotionally do one thing a day I find before exhaustion slips in I feel like I need to sleep. but I don't find the need to be suicidal like before I was almost everyday. I am just trying to stay awake which seems impossible. I am not bored, or lonely I am just really tired.

Oh I am sorry you are feeling this....sending you such big hugs Do you have someone you can speak to? Anyone close to you or a T? Sounds like you're in need of a lot of support right now

[Mustkeepjob32]

I have BPD too and I'm 35. It's gotten worse over the years. I haven't been able to keep a job for a long time.
vitamin, it seems that you are doing OK. The fear of friendships is very normal in BPD. I am gay and I personally have a hard time having guy friends because I invariably "fall in love/lust" with them and this is very damaging to me.
Also, feeling like you don't deserve love from family is normal too. Sometimes I feel that way about my family and sometimes I feel like they are to blame for my BPD! Then of course I feel guilty for thinking that way...

Z

[greentires4me]

Originally Posted by allme

Oh I am sorry you are feeling this....sending you such big hugs Do you have someone you can speak to? Anyone close to you or a T? Sounds like you're in need of a lot of support right now

I have a counselor she does wonders for me...but she is only one day a week and I often miss her to help me deal with these problems. My mental health workers aren't to par with things going on my life I do say they try but its all for show because they get paid...stupid government employees

[thevitaminu100]

I'd like to have a deep and meaningful friendship/relationship, but then I'm scared they'll leave... maybe just acquaintances is better. I know what you mean about family, I do the same thing... I guess it's part of the idealization/devaluation of BPD.

Sorry to hear that for you and others it's gotten worse over the years. I have read a few places that it tends to get better over time (probably in middle age though).

Originally Posted by Mustkeepjob32

I have BPD too and I'm 35. It's gotten worse over the years. I haven't been able to keep a job for a long time.
vitamin, it seems that you are doing OK. The fear of friendships is very normal in BPD. I am gay and I personally have a hard time having guy friends because I invariably "fall in love/lust" with them and this is very damaging to me.
Also, feeling like you don't deserve love from family is normal too. Sometimes I feel that way about my family and sometimes I feel like they are to blame for my BPD! Then of course I feel guilty for thinking that way...

Z