Freshman, comin' through

Hello everyone,

I'm a new member to this forum. Previously I relied (rather idiotically) on the advice and candor of the group that makes up the majority of my social circle: the people that enter the bar I work at and get smashed every day. It's growing increasingly difficult to keep my inner demons contained. I realized I needed a healthier, more anonymous method of expressing myself rather than unload my problems on whiskey-breathed scumbags who have memory span comparable to a goldfish's.

I was diagnosed with BPD during my junior year of high school. I was convinced it was a fluke, or rather my parents did, because they were adamant about their Old World ways. To them, depression wasn't a disease. BPD certainly wasn't; to them, it was just an excuse for people to shirk their irresponsible and radical behavior by saying "my disorder made me do it." It only took a second opinion in college for the shell of denial to reveal a few visible cracks.

I have been pushed to the limit lately. My job is pretty much like if the tabloids were to have a daily kegger. What's different is that, unlike celebrities, these bar patrons have absolutely no lives. All they care to do is stare (or vomit, depending on what they had for breakfast) into the bottom of their glasses and gossip about other people. I was recently 51 50ed (August 4th) because I had attempted suicide. I said goodbye to my parents via text and they went straight to the bar looking for me. There was only my good friend in the bar and my co-worker "Bob." It turns out, my own coworker was giddy and bursting at the seams waiting to tell anyone who came into the bar that I was "hauled off to the loony bin." I was there for five days, on my return, my job was in jeopardy, and everyone was either treating me like I could be straight from a scene from "Silence of the Lambs" or making fun of me using terms like "straitjackets" and "electro shock therapy."

Since when has a stint at a hospital's adult mental health ward carry such a ghastly stigma? Name one person in your life who hasn't gone through something traumatic, something seemingly impossible to cope with, anything that makes throwing in the white flag the only seemingly rational option. Everyone has their own form of approaching it, whether it's therapy or drug abuse or self mutilation. Obviously many of these paths are extremely self destructive, yet for some reason the severity of someone going to the hospital for treatment seems to stick out like a sore thumb. Ironically I've noticed the individuals who are the most eager to tease and refer to the "funny farm" are the ones with deal with their own problems via hundred dollar bills, a smooth surface, and one hell of a nosebleed.

I have to face the music everyday when I go into work. I am well aware that I should just brush off the things they are saying under their breaths. Bar gossip is like the children's game "telephone." One person comes up with a story to tell, then it gets passes on and on and becomes so distorted by the time it gets to the last person a phrase like "hamburgers and amber ale" ends up "he burned her and went to jail." but it's much easier said, than done. Usually the latest "news" in this small town is a few days and then everyone either gets bored or something juicier comes up. It's not the same this time unfortunately. Friends of girlfriends of my friends are coming up to me and try to play the "I'm here for you act." ... I don't even know most of their first names.

Even my boyfriend is showing signs of distancing himself. He makes any excuse to make himself as scarce as possible. He complains that he is the one initiating all of the intimacy, and that it's become "a one way street." I think we are on two separate worlds when it comes to a logical solution.

My argument: Stop trying to avoid me as much as possible and telling me everything I'm doing wrong and maybe getting you off would be a little more thrilling for both of us, because right now I'd rather watch paint dry than be treated like this.

His argument: You show no interest. Maybe you should take time to work on yourself. You haven't sucked me off in what feels like forever. (Side note: I am pretty sure this is what the cave men were saying to the cave women, but only using grunts and hand gestures instead.)

It's a repetitious argument, but with a basic solution in my eyes. Show some form of interest in me, express just an iota of appreciation and I will be a lot more inclined to do things I'm not too fond of doing but I will for the sake of our happiness. Tit for tat, right?

...Or have I just transformed this issue into a business deal?

Hello and welcome to PC!

It's just ironic like these jerkbags judge you for something you was born with while feeding their alcohol addiction... But it's natural for humans to be scared of something they don't understand, you can't take it personally.
We understand you and you will never be judged here.

Welcome to PC, and thank you for posting. I can relate to much of what you have written. The Old World parents, my mother was a German immigrant shortly after the second world war, but uber-religious. When I was in my teens, if I tried to tell her that I was ideating, she would flip out and begin to cast the devil out of me. The stigma is something else I relate to as well. I think that Aviot is right, ignorance isn't bliss, it's just ignorant.

I am glad that you felt comfortable enough to share with us. You will find many caring people here in the forum. We may not have a doctorate or all the answers, but we all have a heart. Wishing you peace.

Thank you for your responses

I know there is no "quick fix" to become immune to the gossip and the taunting. But are there techniques or distractions that anyone uses that helps cope with it at least a little bit?

I write, draw and go to the gym. Those three things really help my mind become unstuck from the throngs or people who either make fun of me or treat me like I need to be exorcised. But only temporarily so. I can get fit in a good 1-2 hour workout, and by then I'm too exhausted to even think about all that nonsense, and it seems as though the problem's solved. But then I get into work, and yet another person asks to talk to me privately about the rumor they've heard or I get slapped with another 51 50 joke.

Hi, welcome and I hope you find it useful here

I like to write as well, mainly fiction. It helps to keep me grounded and allows an avenue for my mind to create an alternate reality, where the main character may be above the turbulence or just able to deal with it in a better manner than I could, but that doesn't really answer your question about the techniques or distractions. For that, I would write something a little different.

I like to journal, and in this instance I would keep a journal of personal affirmations. Let me explain. I would try to write at least two or three things per day that I like about myself or about a situation that I handled well, or just something that I did that was good. Even if it was simply that I was able to take the dog for a walk, I will write it down. Everyday, read all the positive entries before you write the two or three for that particular day. It will take some time, but after a few weeks, if you keep at it, your attitude will change when someone makes a snide remark. All of the positive things you've seen in yourself will sort of outweigh the negative that others mock (not even saying that what they are mocking is negative, but that they are creating a negative situation for you).

I have found this to be helpful to me in the past, and because I've written all of those things down, it can continue to help me in the present. I simply go to the journal and look at who I should be seeing myself as. I hope this can help you, and I wish you peace.