[Maranara]

I've been thinking about it a lot.....my BPD and problems, and crisis points I've reached in the last few weeks, and I've come to a conclusion though this could be very premature. This is kinda repetitive to some things I've said on other threads lately, but in order to explain myself I need to add them here.

I believe I've had BPD my whole life. It was horrible in my teens and early to mid '20's with dating and starting married life, but after a while, it settled down as my life did. It NEVER went away but I could cope for the most part. Not perfect. I've had other times of prolonged unemployment or working at home, I worked for a horrible principal and had horrible kids (during which time I disassociated much of the time), I became suicidal for a while after my son was born, and when my dad died and I was disowned by my mom, I pretty much lost it. In each incident, however, life would go on and the traits would soon subside again or at least get where no one was the wiser. I had no friends...I vehemently pushed everyone away, but it was necessary and I could life with the loneliness.

My life has completely changed in this past year and a half. My daughter was raped and I befriended her boyfriend because it was the only way I knew to try to help her. Within a few weeks, everything came out. In addition, my daughter moved out of the house, the blow up with the boyfriend occured, I moved 2,600 miles away to try to escape and avoid arrest (he threatened me with harassment charges because I wouldn't leave him alone) leaving my job as well as my two daughters behind, tension with my husband was through the roof because he didn't understand any of what I was feeling and I was often criticized, I've been working nonstop from home working insane amounts of days for over a year, and I've attempted to make more friends. Like I've said before, I was okay without friends for a long time, but that friendship made me want friends, opened the door, and I've had issues along those lines with clinging to people, getting too close, and feeling persistantly lonely ever since. With everything, I became a mess and for the most part am still a mess. I've been doing anything I can to try to help myself and have entirely embraced the mindfulness/meditation. It's not perfect, but I do believe it's one of the only things that has kept me sane the last few months. Ask anyone who's watched me over the last six months or so...I've deteriorated gigantically, and I blame most of it on my work.

Well, within the last few months, my overall life has settled back down. I've once again reached the "status quo". My husband has a job and the tension for the most part with him has decreased...not that he understands, but he honestly doesn't see most of the mess I'm in now so isn't on me about it. I've gotten used to Idaho, have made peace with quitting my job and being away from my girls, I'm still having issues with friends but I feel as though I'm doing a little better, and I'm regulating my time on PC a bit better so I don't start flipping out or building too much paranoia there. There's only one major element still missing....an outside job. I'm hoping, and if my "history" continues as it has it should...that once that last thing is acquired I'll reach that "coping phase" again.

I could be totally wrong. I could just be having a good day and it's manifesting itself here....but I hope so.

[unaluna]

I think one thing ts look for is HOW you tell the story of your life, as a reflection of how well your mind is organized at the moment? and this was pretty cool calm and collected, esp compared to previous assays. You're sounding tons better. And so what if it is just for now? I figure, hey before I couldn't even reach those high notes, so I will celebrate them when I can.

[Luvmydog]

It is good to hear exactly what you have said. I too, was in a much better frame of mind and situation until about a year and a half ago. It gives me hope that as I continue to iron out all the roughness of my life that I can also eventually get back to the point of living again, instead of just breathing and taking up space. I've slipped greatly, but thanks to you and many others here, I can see the route that I need to take to pull myself back to, as you said, "the coping phase of life."

I am hopeful for you as you continue on your own road to the status quo. Once again, best of luck with your search for that outside-of-the-home job, and thank you. It may not have been your intention, but you have helped me greatly and given me much hope.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think one thing ts look for is HOW you tell the story of your life, as a reflection of how well your mind is organized at the moment? and this was pretty cool calm and collected, esp compared to previous assays. You're sounding tons better. And so what if it is just for now? I figure, hey before I couldn't even reach those high notes, so I will celebrate them when I can.

That is true...I've been all over the place lately, on a real roller coaster ride. Yesterday was a good day. Today started out good but I'm angry right now. People (at home) don't seem to understand that I'm working.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by Luvmydog

It is good to hear exactly what you have said. I too, was in a much better frame of mind and situation until about a year and a half ago. It gives me hope that as I continue to iron out all the roughness of my life that I can also eventually get back to the point of living again, instead of just breathing and taking up space. I've slipped greatly, but thanks to you and many others here, I can see the route that I need to take to pull myself back to, as you said, "the coping phase of life."

I am hopeful for you as you continue on your own road to the status quo. Once again, best of luck with your search for that outside-of-the-home job, and thank you. It may not have been your intention, but you have helped me greatly and given me much hope.

Thank you. Unfortunately, the "status quo" will not be reached while I'm working this job for so many days in a row. It eventually causes everything else to surface: the loneliness, relationships issues, constant thinking with no way to express anything...just sitting here. You'll literally be able to see it happen, the worst is the few days after I'm off. All of the emotions and stuff I've been holding in comes to the surface. It's very, very hard and I don't know how to stop it..... Just have to get that job.

[shezbut]

(((Maranara)))

Last night's post sufficed everything very clearly. I'm glad that you were in a calm state of mind, and able to take a step back from the emotions. That's a terrific improvement!

I am sorry that this afternoon isn't going very well for you. Things will get better again... I know it! Have you had any luck finding a decent T to work with? Seeing one could really help you work through some of these experiences & hopefully be an appropriate safety net for you to rely upon.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by shezbut

(((Maranara)))

Last night's post sufficed everything very clearly. I'm glad that you were in a calm state of mind, and able to take a step back from the emotions. That's a terrific improvement!

I am sorry that this afternoon isn't going very well for you. Things will get better again... I know it! Have you had any luck finding a decent T to work with? Seeing one could really help you work through some of these experiences & hopefully be an appropriate safety net for you to rely upon.

When I'm not working, within a few days I am clear and can cope. It took longer this time, getting longer all of the time due to how bad it's getting. Within a day or two of going back to work, I start sliding again. It's an endless up and down cycle with the downs getting more severe all of the time. It's a cycle I have to break.

I go have a T, but she's 30 minutes away. The distance isn't the big deal. It's the cost of seeing her, the cost of gas money, and the constant hiding I'm still doing so my husband doesn't find out.

I'll be okay. Everything is linked to working at home and the sheer need of finding something else at this point. Sitting in front of the computer everyday in the same room with no outside connections is doing a number on me....would do a number on anyone I think in the exact same conditions. Too much stagnation, too much thinking, and absolutely no outlet at all.

Was going to say more, but suffice it to say I'm getting paranoid again....sigh.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

maranara, why not try getting out of the house if you can? Even just a 10 minute break to walk around the block. Get some fresh air, sunshine and exercise. I find that that helps me. It is especially helpful at work. I often use my breaks and lunch to take a walk. Even tho I am in an office, I don't "play well with others" and it is often stressful for me. I kind of envy you being able to work from home. And keep writing!!

[allme]

Well that's great! Whatever it is, try and hold onto it! I work from home and mostly love it but it can become isolating

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by allme

Well that's great! Whatever it is, try and hold onto it! I work from home and mostly love it but it can become isolating

It's not the working from home that gets to me. It's the sheer repetitiveness of it. I work on a modern-day assembly line. If I was doing something creative or something where I could set my schedule a bit, I'd be fine. I've been fine working at home in the past. I've had many, many jobs working from home....