[allme]

HI all,

Been feeling great, bar my outburst the other day, but thoughts of my husband passing away are creeping in again. I say again because it's a reoccurring thing that happens to me. I usually leave myself in severe panic and tears over it. Hasn't got to that stage yet but some thoughts crept in while trying to sleep last night.

Does anyone else have fear about death and/or an intense fear of ppl they love passing on?

[Luvmydog]

Originally Posted by allme

HI all,

Been feeling great, bar my outburst the other day, but thoughts of my husband passing away are creeping in again. I say again because it's a reoccurring thing that happens to me. I usually leave myself in severe panic and tears over it. Hasn't got to that stage yet but some thoughts crept in while trying to sleep last night.

Does anyone else have fear about death and/or an intense fear of ppl they love passing on?

I certainly do. I don't deal well with the thought of death, funerals, etc. I haven't been back to my father's gravesite since his funeral last year, and feel guilty about it, but can't seem to push myself to go.

I don't ruminate about death. I'm sure I obsess/ruminate on other things at times so it's not completely foreign to me.

[Maranara]

I used to constantly. Now, it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

My biggest fear is passing away without being able to tell people, particularly people online where people never know or the same thing happening to me. When I don't hear from someone in a while, particularly since I now live very far from most people I know, I get scared that something happened and I'll never know for sure.

[poptart316]

I used to think about my ex dying and it would make me very sad.. sometimes I think about family members dying. I often thing about death in more of a general sense and kinda freak out because to me everything is pointless.. like I'll be doing something and think that it's pointless or be driving around and be like "all these people are going to die one day" or I'll think about seeing family members in a casket or how I'm going to be old, sick, and dying one day.. thinking about my regrets and how I really don't want to die alone- like I would want someone to be there with me. I think about death a lot and have kind of a nihilistic attitude.

[allme]

Originally Posted by poptart316

I used to think about my ex dying and it would make me very sad.. sometimes I think about family members dying. I often thing about death in more of a general sense and kinda freak out because to me everything is pointless.. like I'll be doing something and think that it's pointless or be driving around and be like "all these people are going to die one day" or I'll think about seeing family members in a casket or how I'm going to be old, sick, and dying one day.. thinking about my regrets and how I really don't want to die alone- like I would want someone to be there with me. I think about death a lot and have kind of a nihilistic attitude.

I have similar thoughts sometimes.

It cropped back up into my thoughts this evening, but it is probably because I posted about it which in turn made me think about it more. My thoughts can snow ball so very quickly and maybe on a different day, right now, I would be feeling a lot worse about it all. However, it isn't a different day and today I am handling it so it's all good

Yeah I get this a lot. Well not so much as I used to. If I didn't hear back from a friend straight away, or my family were late home the first thought that always came to my head would be that they were dead! I'd play out this whole scenario in my head of how it would be without them and it would be so real. Then suddenly they'd be walking through the door or my phone would go. Stupid really lol. It still happens occasionally but not so bad.

Last night I had a dream though that my whole family had a different terminal illness of some kind and were all dying. Pretty horrible!

[Maranara]

I've always had an irrational thought that I was going to die young, never have kids, etc. Now I'm older and still have these thought. I was just thinking last night that I was going to die any day and I had to leave some type of note to my husband or one of my daughters to contact a few people for me in case I can't.

[allme]

Thanks for your replies!

It really plagues me at times to the point of a frenzy. I worry I wont get better at all and will die with BPD. I fear I will never make it up to my husband and one day he or I will die and it will be too late. I fear my life speeding before me and have done nothing but try to get better and then I am on my death bed. I don't think I would fear everyone dying so much if everything was 'normal'. I have been so restricted in what I can do, that I have hardly done anything worth mentioning. I fear more than anything my husband dying without having first, a good life with me. So far it has been a dreadful chaotic whirlwind.

What if he dies before I can make it up to him, before I make significant changes?

Sometimes I just think he is better off without me and I should leave him. Maybe he should leave me...no actually, he SHOULD leave me, I am a terrible person with a terrible personality.

One day it will just be too late and I fear that time is coming at any time