I don't know why

I continue to try, there is no point. My motivation is gone, I'm off my **** and regretting it. I'm in pain, it feels like my body is wrapped in barbed wire, I'm annoyed, ready to snap at anything, aggravated, I even annoy myself, hypersensitive to everything, little noises in the background sound like they are screaming in my ears, can't focus on anything, thoughts are racing too fast. Putting myself through the wringer reading something I don't enjoy reading. Stressing myself out over stuff that isn't that important (my future and financial security are not that important). I was born poor so I'll probably die poor so I might as well just accept physical slavery since I've already succumb to mental slavery (anxiety). Anxious about everything, sweating bullets over getting 2 answers wrong on a self-test, I'm frustrated with everybody even myself. I'm torturing myself, my computer makes me want to scream and I have.

I keep beating myself down in my head, my own biggest critic, my own worst nightmare. I have no patience, I road rage at every stop light. I can't sit still, I can't sleep, I have nothing positive to look forward to. I doubt that a drug can fix it, I'm out of my God damn mind. I don't just need a drug I need like 4-5 of them. And thinking about taking any of them makes me anxious beyond belief. I'm falling apart, I'm a mess, but I have people in my life fooled that I have it all together. When nothing could be further from the truth, I don't know what to do, or why to do it. I'm too wound up to sleep, too miserable to want to be awake, too many flashbacks today. I think trying to study this material is putting way too much pressure on myself. I'm making myself miserable, my nerve pain is driving me insane once again. Ever heard "gets on your nerves" yeah things literally get on my nerves and cause me heaps of pain.

HealingNSuffering,

Wow. There are a lot of deep deep things in your post. I had to read it twice to really capture what's going on. I'm really, genuinely sorry that you're experiencing everything all at once right now. It sounds to me like you're caught up in a ruminating episode... It's terrible. You know it, I know it - everyone on this forum knows it.

I'm speaking from experience here - because I get like that a lot too - and the best thing you can do for yourself is to stabilize yourself. I think you have plenty of awareness - enough to recognize that you're in black and white thinking mode - and it is an episode - and it will pass.

You know that you're catastrophizing. You've been through it before, you've survived countless times. And I know you know this already. Anything I say won't help. It's a storm - you just gotta ride it out because it only lasts a little while.

Breathe - let me know when you're back.

Thanks,
HD7970Ghz

sorry you're feeling so bad right now I really hope the intensity of this darkness eases for you soon. It sounds like such a horrible place to be.

Here for you

This to shall pass as it always does and soon you will feel stronger. When we are like this it is hard to see the forest through the trees. Some how we hold on and then pick up the carnage we left in its wake.

Thanks, this really helped last night. I read it a couple times so the message could really sink in and I ended up going to sleep. I was having flashbacks in my sleep, I was getting bullied in elementary school again. But this time it was as a grown man in a classroom full of little kids it was embarrassing, I wanted to punch the kid, but I settled for spitting on him instead. He was making fun of me and he pushed me. I was very anxious in my dreams. I took my herb this morning, because it keeps me happy, the same day I take it, it hasn't kicked in yet so I'm still blah. When I go off of it the depression comes back full force after about 2 weeks or if I relapse on alcohol again sooner. I've spent so much time in depression a high for me is probably just normal for other people.
Thanks It is a horrible place to be, the day started off bad because I was all alone. I went through my childhood in that thread, it awakened my inner bully, I even slapped myself a few times last night. I felt like everything was a conspiracy against me, it started with this alarm they do around here, that sent waves into my ear drums at frequencies that made me go berserk when I was in the shower. I was thinking about it, maybe they do this noise making to make people go crazy? I wanted to delete everything last night but couldn't.
This is true, thanks for the encouragement. I'm still pretty agitated and hypersensitive, but I'm almost ready to pick the pieces of where I left off. Today its still too early to see if the storm has passed yet, the morning is usually "the calm before the storm" for me.

Sorry you had such a hard time last night and I do hope today is better for you

Thanks, so far it is a lot better, the happy pill made the depression go away quick.