I push, I pull, I run like the wind...

... and I'm bloody tired of it, but have no idea how to not and even less idea I'm doing it until its too late.

Its chaotic, its exhausting and I wish I weren't so. Probably ruined the only good thing I had going and its my own fault. I can never just stop and breath, always full speed ahead on the impulsive train, only stopping to see the damage left behind.

*Siiiiigh

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much.

push? pull? Sounds like too much work - you are making me tired just reading this.

Hang in there!!!

Thanks for the replies I want to hang in, I am, but I'm not quite sure what for ya know? Its like I have 2 choices, be alone and miserable or live in emotional chaos...

I'm exhausted, I can only imagine what he feels like. I know I need help but none is available to me until I find gainful employment.

Feels like there's less and less hope for me...

I'm just complaining now, but nobody else to say these things to.

I've been pushing and pulling and running and going back to my husband for the last 6 years. I don't even know if he's still holding the other end of the rope anymore. He has been deployed to Korea for the last 2 years and that has probably been the best thing for both of us, although I push, pull and run via "emails" now.. They don't seem to have as much impact.

I'm coming to the sad realization that it's easier to just be alone, it's the lesser of 2 evils for me.

I hope things get better for us, if I learn any techniques to alleviate it i'll keep you posted but for now, for me, unfortunately it's solitude..

Solitary Confinement seems the best course yes. I'm sorry you and your hubby live on the same rollercoaster.

That rollercoaster is no fun thrill ride as i'm sure you know..

The only information I can find about the push/pull is the DBT and at least a year of it. If I could just stick with it..

I also found this: Until a certain amount of healing is done, and insight achieved through help from a qualified therapist, someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is just not capable of stable emotional intimacy.
(I have to agree with this statement)

Are you doing DBT or therapy?

None No funds at the moment, but I do have a T in mind who runs DBT groups.

Ugh it really does look hopeless hey, I think after 4yrs of this crazymaking behavior he's done, and I dont blame him 1 bit....

I just want peace, and its really unfortunate that peace comes wrapped in loneliness.

My husband has stayed with me for 13.5 years and I have told him many times that he needs to divorce me. I hope you are able to find employment soon. When you mentioned looking for work I looked to see if you had posted where you are from, my grandma was born in Capetown (it was Cape Colony when she was born). I would love to visit SA.

Could you try to the get the DBT workbook? I am on a waiting list and told it is a year so I am buying the workbook so I can try and get something started.

Speaking as someone who is already in self-imposed solitary confinement -- it's not all it's chalked up to be. It's excruciatingly lonely, and I feel sometimes that I'm losing touch with reality because I'm so socially isolated. It's as crazy-making as trying to sustain a relationship. No win here.

I don't have much in the way of self -discipline, working on my own seems so daunting and even futile. The workbook I did manage to download was somehow corrupted and I was unable to print it, but I guess it can't hurt to search for a new one...

Cape Town is cool, lots to see do and experience, tourists love it, wish I could travel some day though, I feel so stuck.

I'm glad your hubby has stuck by you

Thanks for the heads up, I'm sorry things are so rough for you

(((((((((((((( Trippin ))))))))))))))

Love you too Fuzzy!!!!