I hate bpd

Hey everyone.
I have had emotional "issues" for as long as I can remember. Around age 12/13 I started really lashing out at my mom. She decided to call social services on me and I had to deal with some jerk off telling me to stop being "bad" . After a few months she finally sent me to a therapist who quickly decided that I was depressed and had ptsd. I spent the next 12 years with multiple different therapists and every possible medication. The highs and lows were tough to say the least. I attempted suicide more than once. At the age of 24 I was diagnosed with bpd. I remember the therapist telling me not to go home and look it up on the internet.(I look up everything! ha) I remember at first being in denial about it. That cant be me?!?! The way some of these websites described this disorder made me feel like I was a monster that needed to be locked away. Like I was poison to everyone around me.
A few months went by and I got a DBT book and I was given a much more clearer picture. I wasnt a monster (although some days idk..eh) and I wasnt poison. I had a disorder that explained so much of my childood. It explains the unhealthy relationships it explains so much.
I have yet figuerd out how to be "ok" for more than a few months in the last 5 years. It feels like as I get older it gets worse? I used to work, go to school. That was 4 years ago. I now sit here more depressed than ever. My life has been such a **** show. So many angry outbursts. So much yelling, screaming, crying, breaking things, cutting, alcohol abuse, drug abuse and i could go on and on.
The same therapist that diagnosed me also suggested I apply for ssdi. I was offended at first. I am not disabled! They wont approve me! Well they did 5 months later without any issue what so ever (was my history that bad?!).
I tried returning to college 3 years ago. I lasted 2 semesters. I havent done a thing in 2 years.
All I do is clea,n cook and care for my two kids. Insert a few crying episodes and thats pretty much my day. I obsess about what a failure I am. How I rather be dead. How its my fault. How its my moms fault, or my ex. All my internal dialogue is negative , distorted, morbid and just plain horrible. And its constant.

There is so much more but I think this is enough. It hurts to write this. Idk why.

I feel at a loss right now. I am just trying to maintain on a daily basis.

Hun I feel you. I'm 22, and as long as I can remember something has not been right with me. I was finally Dx with BPD and Major Depression at age 20. It was a relief, but also quite horrifying all at the same time.
I went to DBT and flunked out after 8 months. I was using anfetimines, alcohol, and prescription medication to try and escape the intense emotional outbursts of anger/depression. Child Services also were involved in my life more than once during childhood. Guess teachers figured the horific way in which I was behaving must be caused by abuse in the home. Which simply isn't true. At least not by mom. Neglect? A lack of validation? yeah. Early sexual abuse by others.. yeah. but my mom certainly wasn't an abusive monster. just an over worked single mother dealing with a difacult child. She told me and in my heart I fully believed that I was a monster. but now I know that's not true ((although as you said, eh IDk somedays).
I've been clean now for 17 months and am returning to DBT. but right now all I do is sit at home and care for my two children (aged 3 and 5 months). I hate BPD too. I wanna act normal. I wanna feel normal, I wanna not be toxic to the one's I care about the most. I'm taking things one day at a time.

You're not alone, all of us are out here at various stages of working on ourselves. Here for support if you need a friend who gets it.

Thank you so much for your kind words.
And your upbringing is painfully familiar. My mom was a single overworked mom working three jobs at a time sometimes. She wasnt abusive, but unavailable and neglectful. I was also sexualy and physicaly abused by others, one being my babysitter and her husband.

I still remember being about 7 years old and telling my mom about the abuse. She didnt believe me
I remember feeling so crushed and so alone. I feel like that moment in my childhood was a very defining moment that started the downword spiral.

I applaud you for being sober!
My sister had issues that went untreated for years. She ended up dying of a drug overdose. She was 27 with 3 children who were already taken from her.
I myself have used drugs and alcohol to "help" me feel "better".

It feels better knowing I am not alone. I so desperately want to be ok.

If you dont mind i'd like to add you as a friend

I get the monster too much. Last night I was a monster with my son. My husband was at his second job and I really wanted to call him to come and deal with the both of us. My son is an aspie and there are times I lose it.

Your history is not necessarily that bad, just I am sure they have dealt with BPD before. I am in the process of getting the Canadian version (Canada Pension Plan Disability).

Parenting your kids are the most important job you will ever have. And as a mom who has worked outside the home and been a stay at home I can say both are hard. I find being home harder, too much time, of course if I caught up on all my cleaning I would be much busier during the day.

Good job on the cleaning and cooking! I have trouble doing that much. (((( Imalooney)))

me too! I have tons to do.

Parenting your kids is the most important job you'll ever have!
(I completely agree with this statement)

Too many of us here had inadequate parenting, or abusive parenting, or both.


Being a good parent is so important, you'll break the cycle of abuse!

yes, yes and yes!

No problem, anytime.
There were a series of events in my childhood that made me who I am today. There were many, but the 4 major events are as follows.
1. Age 5, was taken to play with my cousins for the first time. They taunted and would not play with me because I am legally blind. That was the first time I remember realizing that something was wrong with me. I had been so excited to play with them and all they did was taunt me with games like "hide and seek' where they hid, and taunted me to find them knowing I couldn't see well enough.
2. Age 6, my mom's ex-husband took my baby brother who I was very close too away. I remember screaming and sobbing as he took him away because no matter what load of BS he told my mom about us being able to visit, I somehow knew it was a lie. I never saw him again. I would cry for hours after that.
3. Age 6, I was molested by my mom's friend's 12 year old daughter.
4. Age 7 or so, my mom got pregnant. She talked about the baby and even give him/her a name. Around 3 months pregnant she decided to terminate the pregnancy, but didn't explain that to me. I mentioned the baby in front of someone and in her humiliation she yelled and screamed at me. That was the first time I can remember hurting myself. I scratched up my face because I felt bad and thought I was bad for making my mom mad at me.
By the time I was Dx in 2011 I thought I was over those 4 things, but I broke down when I talked about them in therapy. and I am crying right now. but letting it out and knowing that others have the same extreme emotions I do really has helped.
Sorry if that was a bit personal but I identify so much with feeling crushed and alone. I'm lucky I didn't lose my daughter in the system. I don't think I'd forgive myself if the state took her away. I was clean by the time I got pregnant with my second child.
I don't mind that you added me at all, I added you back.

Not too personal at all I can imagine what it must have been like. The pain of my childhood and then later abusive relationships is something I just cant seem to make "peace" with.

I have gone to drugs and alcohol a lot in my life to feel "normal". Honestly I feel the best when I smoke pot. I know that there is a big debate and many perceived pros and cons, but for me personaly, small amounts a couple times a day have helped me more than any med ever did. Its frustrating because if they would just give me "pot-Pills" I feel like it could change my life.
Maybe one day. For now I cant afford to smoke like that so I am just on wellbutrin. Been on it for about 4 weeks now. it helped me quit smoking. Thats it so far

I have tried so many meds. Have you found a med that helps more than others?

I am very sensitive to all meds which makes it very difficult to stick them out.
A lot of them trigger my anxiety and insomnia which is unberable to me.

I have sobbed to my therapist more than once begging her to just give me a lobotomy or ECT. Of course she refused but I feel so desperate at times.

I just want a light at the end of the tunnel. Something that gives me hope.

This site and talking to people like you that truly know what its like has helped a lot.

No one around me "gets" it. They either dont know about BPD or they kinda do but dont care to realy find out how it affects me and how they can help.

I always feel so needy. Like help me please help me needy. I would assume that comes from childhood neglect? Idk but it makes me feel so pathetic.

Hope we all have better days ahead..

Wow you are so similar to me. I use small amounts of medical marijuana to manage my moodswings. I no longer drink, pop pills, or use hard drugs though because they only stopped the pain temperarly, and then it would always come back worse cuz of the stupid things I did under the influence.
Lexapro/Abilify seemed to be the most effective combo, but I never slept on those meds. I'm not taking them now because I'm exclusively breastfeeding a nearly 6 month old.
I know what you mean by needy. I feel that way a lot. Even though I'm doing so much better these days, my emotions over come me sometimes. It's frustrating to deal with difacult realities sober.
This site is great. a now ex friend kinda ran me off for a while, but I'm back and here to stay this time.