[Angel of Bedlam]

I feel like I'm seconds away from losing my boyfriend and everything I have worked so hard for. My heart just aches over it. This how it always happens. Things are beautiful. Then I do something that sends them spiraling downward, abd no matter what we do, things never are the same again.

I feel like I'm watching a car crash and am powerless to stop the inevitable, but this impact is going to destroy me.

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[Malenursefl]

do you feel you've done something to cause this? one or several events that are driving him away?

[Angel of Bedlam]

We had some stuff happen a couple months back that was my fault. Everything that's happened after has seemed like a ripple I guess.

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[Malenursefl]

Do you feel that what happened is something you cant get through? Is it you being too hard on yourself? Is he still resentful and did you talk about it enough?

[Angel of Bedlam]

We talked in depth about it and I believe I was entirely accountable, even telling him that whenever he felt the need to talk about it I would no matter how uncomfortable or ashamed it made me.

I think I am hard on myself for it, but I tend to do that with everything. I think the problem stems from his insecurity now. I feel like I deserve it, I mean I caused the constant questioning of my motives, the accusations of activities that never occurred, etc. It's just so draining.

We love each other tremendously, that much is abundantly clear. It's just that I'm so hypervigilant now because I feel like anything I say or do will cause heartache to him- and I don't want to do that to him. I guess the good news is that we agreed a counselor may be needed for he and I for a while to help us over this hump.

I'm just terrified that I've ruined him. I don't want that blood on my hands.

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[Malenursefl]

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. I believe you are overthinking this and causing yourself needless anxiety. It sounds as if you are taking steps in the right direction though to fix this.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

I guess the good news is that we agreed a counselor may be needed for he and I for a while to help us over this hump.

That is great news. Couple counselling can really help with communication issues and talking about the hard stuff.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Thanks. I talked to him about this and he agreed that I am hard on myself. I always have been. I wonder how to not be.

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[technigal]

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

Thanks. I talked to him about this and he agreed that I am hard on myself. I always have been. I wonder how to not be.

If you find the answer let me know...

[Angel of Bedlam]

So I tried something different tonight. So my boyfriend didn't sleep well last night. We are training my son to sleep in his bed and he ended up sneaking in bed and my boyfriend went to the couch and didn't fall asleep till very late. I had a panic attack at work and was sent home because I ended up puking all over our bathroom there. My boyfriend picked me up and from the get go we were at odds. I was stressed and he was tired. He got really sad (literally to the point of tears) and was I started getting angry because I was in dire need of validation and attention and help (part of the reason I had the panic attack was because our house was a disaster) and he wasn't giving it to me. We ended up arguing and at one point he compared me to his ex (who also had BPD strangely enough) and it so hurt me. He was making assumptions which weren't true and I waa feeling the night lead to a complete catastrophe.

I left the conversation and thought to myself for a while (and cried as I washed dishes), and realized there was no way I was going to get what I needed from him tonight. I radically accepted the fact that I was going to have to clean the house and do what I needed to alone. I was not going to get the attention and care I needed.

So I decided to make an investment in him. I got the bed ready for him, laid out jammies, and told him to go to bed. I told him I would do everything alone and after he tried being stubborn as insisting on staying up, I explained my strategy and he went to bed.

I stayed up an additional hour and finished all the chores alone. I showered alone. I did my DBT diary.

And because our sex life has went to s*** lately, I did something especially strange to me. I initiated sex and focused my mindset on pleasing him.

He is a different person now. I am hoping he realizes that this was incredibly difficult for me to do. Because of the BPD, tabeling my intense emotions and focusing on someone else's needs is almost a foreign concept to me. But I did it.

My hope is that he realizes how hard this was and that I am still very much in need of his attention and affection and will do that tomorrow.

Maybe this is the give and take thing that is so hard to do in relationships.

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