[hawaii04]

I am so livid and feel hurt since last night, I can't stand it. I don't know if I can even compose an adequate post, but I need to expel my thoughts somehow. Let me start by saying that within the past year or so, my b/f has ALWAYS said he would NEVER work a third shift position unless they placed him on it at work and he had no say. Many, many times we talked about how hard it would be for us individually and as a couple. I full well let him know I absolutely do not like the idea at all. Often he would tell me that so-and so-went to third shift and hates it, etc. I have been so afraid it could happen because they can pretty much put anybody where they want to at any given time. I have felt safe and somewhat comfortable with my b/f being on second shift; he gave me that honest reassurance, he wouldn't post out and end up on third (he didn't want to). A couple months back, he told me there were going to be new postings coming up. I didn't say much as he said that if he signed up for them there would be the possibility of going to any shift. He came home one night and said there were new postings and he was thinking of signing up. I simply let him know I wasn't comfortable with it. But gain, I didn't say much, trying to let him make his own choice based on everything we talked about. A couple of days later, he said he signed ... my heart sunk. I was not too happy at all and said a few not so nice things. Last night it all came up and he let me know there's only a 90% chance of third shift. It all started all over again. I was so pissed off . . . for him to put me/us in this position after everything he always said. I feel betrayed, lied to (though he doesn't look at it as though he lied) My attitude is so bad toward him, not nasty thus far, but I am so bitter and resentful. I reminded him that everything is difficult for us now, and I am struggling and now he wants to take my/our whole world and turn it upside down?!?! He is having some health problems, doesn't sleep well as it is . . . I don't want to sleep alone being in a relationship and have to live a subdued lifstyle during the day so he can frickin' TRY to sleep. I think the bigger part of it was he knew how I felt (we both agreed) and he didn't seem to think it over much, nor did he talk with me about it really. What I wanted is what I think of respect being . . . and maybe asking me about what I thought of him giving it a try. Under 'normal' circumstances I would think that's how it would be, but maybe I'm overreacting and as clueless as I always feel about how I should feel. Honestly I don't think so. All I know is that I feel like a g/f who got left out in the cold with a major change and that doesn't make me feel like a partner. Any thoughts . . . am I wrong?!

[technigal]

I know that I would be upset if my husband were to make a major decision like that without talking it through with me first.

[Truth in Ruin]

What was his reason for signing up?

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by hawaii04

I am so livid and feel hurt since last night, I can't stand it. I don't know if I can even compose an adequate post, but I need to expel my thoughts somehow. Let me start by saying that within the past year or so, my b/f has ALWAYS said he would NEVER work a third shift position unless they placed him on it at work and he had no say. Many, many times we talked about how hard it would be for us individually and as a couple. I full well let him know I absolutely do not like the idea at all. Often he would tell me that so-and so-went to third shift and hates it, etc. I have been so afraid it could happen because they can pretty much put anybody where they want to at any given time. I have felt safe and somewhat comfortable with my b/f being on second shift; he gave me that honest reassurance, he wouldn't post out and end up on third (he didn't want to). A couple months back, he told me there were going to be new postings coming up. I didn't say much as he said that if he signed up for them there would be the possibility of going to any shift. He came home one night and said there were new postings and he was thinking of signing up. I simply let him know I wasn't comfortable with it. But gain, I didn't say much, trying to let him make his own choice based on everything we talked about. A couple of days later, he said he signed ... my heart sunk. I was not too happy at all and said a few not so nice things. Last night it all came up and he let me know there's only a 90% chance of third shift. It all started all over again. I was so pissed off . . . for him to put me/us in this position after everything he always said. I feel betrayed, lied to (though he doesn't look at it as though he lied) My attitude is so bad toward him, not nasty thus far, but I am so bitter and resentful. I reminded him that everything is difficult for us now, and I am struggling and now he wants to take my/our whole world and turn it upside down?!?! He is having some health problems, doesn't sleep well as it is . . . I don't want to sleep alone being in a relationship and have to live a subdued lifstyle during the day so he can frickin' TRY to sleep. I think the bigger part of it was he knew how I felt (we both agreed) and he didn't seem to think it over much, nor did he talk with me about it really. What I wanted is what I think of respect being . . . and maybe asking me about what I thought of him giving it a try. Under 'normal' circumstances I would think that's how it would be, but maybe I'm overreacting and as clueless as I always feel about how I should feel. Honestly I don't think so. All I know is that I feel like a g/f who got left out in the cold with a major change and that doesn't make me feel like a partner. Any thoughts . . . am I wrong?!

No, you are entitled to your feelings. I would be heartbroken if this happened with my bf and I. The thing you have to try and do is step inside your bf's shoes and look at the big picture. Did he want the position because of better pay? To make headway in his career so he can provide you with a better life? If this is temporary, try remembering that and look for ways to be sure you get quality time together. Best of luck.

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[hawaii04]

Originally Posted by Truth in Ruin

What was his reason for signing up?

The reason is primarily financial as the position does pay more. That was also a part of our conversation(s) in the past and agreed upon it not being a necessity right now. I'm just really upset that he didn't confer with me over something as monumental as this, knowing full well how it can effect everything.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by hawaii04

The reason is primarily financial as the position does pay more. That was also a part of our conversation(s) in the past and agreed upon it not being a necessity right now. I'm just really upset that he didn't confer with me over something as monumental as this, knowing full well how it can effect everything.

I get your frustrations. Try and be gentle. To me a 3rd shift job is a sacrifice he is making for the greater good for you two.

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[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by hawaii04

The reason is primarily financial as the position does pay more. That was also a part of our conversation(s) in the past and agreed upon it not being a necessity right now. I'm just really upset that he didn't confer with me over something as monumental as this, knowing full well how it can effect everything.

I know what you mean, I'd be upset about it too. Personally, I HATE 3rd shift. I was an unhappy A-hole when I was on 3rd.

In this situation, it might be a good idea to look at the nature of his action. It was a promotion/raise increase. That is what he did it for. He didn't do it to make you mad. That said, he isn't perfect, he's going to make mistakes at times. You have the right to feel the way you do about it. But, it sounds like he won't end-up on 3rd shift anyway. So... rate increase... no 3rd shift... it looks as if things could work-out for the better, right?

[hawaii04]

I so needed to hear all of this ~ I've have viewed it all with understanding in a rational frame of mind and it makes some sense. I'm truly hung up on the other (some negative) aspects of it. I simply hate the whole idea and what it entails ... period. The 'news' will come soon, I'm afraid and I need to get a grip.

[hawaii04]

He came home tonight and the news is that he IS going to be on third shift. I am shaking all over and coming unglued. I can't stand it!!!!!!!

I think you have the right to feel let down.
He may not have intended to lie or let you down, but negative emotions such as disappointment can be oh-so overwhelming for us BPD folks.
-Hugs-

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by hawaii04

He came home tonight and the news is that he IS going to be on third shift. I am shaking all over and coming unglued. I can't stand it!!!!!!!

Okay. So you were upset at him with good reason now. Now I think it's safe to say that you didn't nessessarly over react. How long is he going to be on 3rd shift? I'd tell him that getting of 3rd should be his next priority.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm also sorry for him, because he has to work 3rd shift now.