[Angel of Bedlam]

So my boyfriend came home from his guy night and we ended up having a good time. We made love and he ended up going downstairs into the kitchen and made himself a midnight snack. I was upstairs getting dressed when I heard his phone ring.

I answered, asked who it was, and the woman on the other end of the phone told me it was.his mother. It didn't sound like his mom. She was snippy and rude, so I handed Seth the phone and told him it was someone claiming to be his mom, but I wasn't so sure it was.

He got on the phone and talked to her, figuring out it was actually his drunken ex-wife calling, not his mom. I (remembering her number from the caller ID), texted her and told her to leave him alone and quit being a drunk.

What she sent back completely destroyed me. It was a text from my boyfriend to her, asking how she was because she had hurt herself, then saying I'm pretty sure, word for word this: "I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't want to indulge in making love to you sleeping next to you. I wanted it. Sex with you would have been awesome (it always) is, but that wouldn't have been fair to you, fair to her, and I would have felt like the biggest scum of the earth."

I immediately confront him about this and at first, he tells me that he's never sent that, and then after I read him the texts a couple times he admitted to sending it, but sending it only about a month or two into our relationship.

I don't know what to do. My heart hurts so badly.

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[NWgirl2013]

He's an idiot, but it was a new relationship with you when he sent that. I would try very hard to stay in the present.
1)Ask for clarity as to how he feels about and plans to deal with his ex from this day forward.
2)Tell him it makes you feel insecure about how he feels about you, (which is different from being insecure in general) and then listen to what he tells you.

I hope it informs in a way that will allow you to let this go and be the best girlfriend in the world....you deserve the best boyfriend, not to be part of their former train wreck.

Best to you

[Perna]

I would have trouble with you invading his personal space and sending his ex-wife your original ugly text (after answering his phone). Obviously they had a good relationship at some point or they would not have married? I would not worry about that, he is not married now and you know she is a drunken liar and, besides, the text she sent you states he DID NOT have sex with her because he preferred you; you're lucky! I think trying to be controlling at this point of his life and relationships and butting in where it is not your place is not in your best interest right now?

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would have trouble with you invading his personal space and sending his ex-wife your original ugly text (after answering his phone). Obviously they had a good relationship at some point or they would not have married? I would not worry about that, he is not married now and you know she is a drunken liar and, besides, the text she sent you states he DID NOT have sex with her because he preferred you; you're lucky! I think trying to be controlling at this point of his life and relationships and butting in where it is not your place is not in your best interest right now?

My problem isn't that I think he had sex. It's that HE wanted to- while he was having sex with her. And that he slept in the same bed as her. And that he didn't tell me. What else is being hidden? That's how I feel now.

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[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I have no advice, all I can say is that I can understand why you're struggling because I cannot deal with situations like that well at all. I turn into the crazy person who checks emails and messages and everything.
Whatever you do, don't do that!

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Oh and I'm sorry to say this but Perna your response comes across a little harsh. It fits what I do in times like this, but from what I've read, she didn't really do anything unacceptable in the situation.
Just my opinion, I might be reading it wrong..just didn't seem very supportive or understanding to me.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Bubbles&Buttercup

Oh and I'm sorry to say this but Perna your response comes across a little harsh. It fits what I do in times like this, but from what I've read, she didn't really do anything unacceptable in the situation.
Just my opinion, I might be reading it wrong..just didn't seem very supportive or understanding to me.

Thank you, this is how I felt. So attacked.

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[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would have trouble with you invading his personal space and sending his ex-wife your original ugly text (after answering his phone). Obviously they had a good relationship at some point or they would not have married? I would not worry about that, he is not married now and you know she is a drunken liar and, besides, the text she sent you states he DID NOT have sex with her because he preferred you; you're lucky! I think trying to be controlling at this point of his life and relationships and butting in where it is not your place is not in your best interest right now?

I answered his phone because HE was in the other room, he'd do the same if I was. I wouldn't call that invading any sort of space. They also divorced because she turned into a raging alcoholic so I don't think me sending a text to her (after she invaded MY space is wrong, that's MY boyfriend and MY relationship). Whether or not they had sex IS NOT important, it's that this happened WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER AND IT WAS HIDDEN FROM ME FOR MONTHS. At NO point did I "butt in" where I should not have. At no point did I initiate contact, SHE DID. They have no children together, no ties whatsoever. I see absolutely no advice given, except to be grateful he didn't put his d**k in her WHICH IS NOT THE POINT. I was mislead and lied to, found out they had on and off contact THROUGH DECEMBER. And you're telling me that I'M in the wrong? Just thought I'd respond with how I actually felt after being personally attacked rather than with being nice- you obviously didn't do the same when you commented on the thread in the first place.

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[lazydog]

I would feel the same way as you, crazed. But from an outsiders perspective it sounds like he knows how to "deal with her". Complimented her, showed he still thought of her well and said "no" without being too confrontational. He said no and that's what is important.

[Wingnut13]

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

I answered his phone because HE was in the other room, he'd do the same if I was. I wouldn't call that invading any sort of space. They also divorced because she turned into a raging alcoholic so I don't think me sending a text to her (after she invaded MY space is wrong, that's MY boyfriend and MY relationship). Whether or not they had sex IS NOT important, it's that this happened WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER AND IT WAS HIDDEN FROM ME FOR MONTHS. At NO point did I "butt in" where I should not have. At no point did I initiate contact, SHE DID. They have no children together, no ties whatsoever. I see absolutely no advice given, except to be grateful he didn't put his d**k in her WHICH IS NOT THE POINT. I was mislead and lied to, found out they had on and off contact THROUGH DECEMBER. And you're telling me that I'M in the wrong? Just thought I'd respond with how I actually felt after being personally attacked rather than with being nice- you obviously didn't do the same when you commented on the thread in the first place.

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You had every right to do what you did. I would've done the same thing. From what you've said I see no reason for the 2 of them to have any communication at all. He was wrong to lie to you about it. Hope he makes it up to you and shows you how much he loves you.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Wingnut13

You had every right to do what you did. I would've done the same thing. From what you've said I see no reason for the 2 of them to have any communication at all. He was wrong to lie to you about it. Hope he makes it up to you and shows you how much he loves you.

I do too. He's a good man.

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[Mercedes87]

He was VERY wrong for sending her that text and for keeping secrets. You are not in the wrong, I would have reacted exactly the same.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Mercedes87

He was VERY wrong for sending her that text and for keeping secrets. You are not in the wrong, I would have reacted exactly the same.

I'm just heartbroken.

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[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Mercedes87

He was VERY wrong for sending her that text and for keeping secrets. You are not in the wrong, I would have reacted exactly the same.

The biggest thing that he wants me to mention is the fit of.rage I went into after I found out. I pushed him, banged my hands on his chest, and starting beating myself. He says I'm overreacting and that my hands aren't clean, but his our (for some of my past sins in the relationship), in no way am I perfect. So my actions probably aren't justified.

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[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by lazydog

I would feel the same way as you, crazed. But from an outsiders perspective it sounds like he knows how to "deal with her". Complimented her, showed he still thought of her well and said "no" without being too confrontational. He said no and that's what is important.

But why sleep in the same bed as her? Why not come sleep here?

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[lazydog]

I am pretty sure that any guy that would hook up with a BPD probably has his own issues. Trying to figure out "which way is up "is probably an issue for him also.

I like how he included you in the text and said it wouldn't be fair to you either. He was thinking of you. And any guy that still cares for his ex and still is there for her is way better than any guy that detests and hates his ex.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by lazydog

I am pretty sure that any guy that would hook up with a BPD probably has his own issues. Trying to figure out "which way is up "is probably an issue for him also.

I like how he included you in the text and said it wouldn't be fair to you either. He was thinking of you. And any guy that still cares for his ex and still is there for her is way better than any guy that detests and hates his ex.

His last relationship was with someone with BPD, and he had a hard time before deciding to give us a go. The way I see it, when you say you wanted to sleep with your ex-wife but didn't because "it would be unfair to me," you decided against going with your **** and instead took pity on me; not to mention the fact he should have never ended up in that bed in the first place. Am I seeing this wrong? This is how I'm interpreting it now.

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[foreverlonely]

Thinking of you in this stressful situation. I do not have any advice as im not in place of clear thinking but hope you are coping ok

[Mercedes87]

Originally Posted by lazydog

I am pretty sure that any guy that would hook up with a BPD probably has his own issues. Trying to figure out "which way is up "is probably an issue for him also.

I like how he included you in the text and said it wouldn't be fair to you either. He was thinking of you. And any guy that still cares for his ex and still is there for her is way better than any guy that detests and hates his ex.

I disagree. There is a difference of staying pals with and ex and telling them they wish they could sleep with them.

Angel, this is a very difficult situation and I wholeheartedly empathize with you. I KNOW how this must feel because I've been there and it hurts deep. It matters very little that he is NOW with you and that it may have been something just in text and nothing really happened. The thing is that he thought it, texted it and it was after he was with you. I cannot even begin to tell you how badly I feel for you about this.

To his credit and indeed many people who go through this transition of relationships, it happens. That does not in any way make it ok, it doesn't. I hope that he will come to you and really try to give you security in knowing he loves you, as I do believe he does. I think it was a mistake and he didn't think about what he was saying at the time when he did. The ugly truth is, we, and I think almost everyone, deal with temptation. Even as your bf, he will be attracted to other women, it's a fact. But this is what you should remember. he was TEMPTED or attracted but he is with YOU. That's hard to absorb, I know but after all this time, and I guarantee all the other alluring and attractive women out there, he continues to CHOOSE you everyday. Trust him. He has not cheated and I truly, knowing him, do not believe he will.

Remember he can go and have many other women out there any day of the week. But he is with YOU, everyday. His mistake is one of actually verbalizing his attraction and temptation.

HOpe this helps!
S4

Originally Posted by lazydog

I am pretty sure that any guy that would hook up with a BPD probably has his own issues. Trying to figure out "which way is up "is probably an issue for him also.

I like how he included you in the text and said it wouldn't be fair to you either. He was thinking of you. And any guy that still cares for his ex and still is there for her is way better than any guy that detests and hates his ex.

Wow really? Seriously you should think before you type, as this is extremely offensive. That a guy has to have issues in order to "hook up with a bpd"? I'm sorry but that's like saying "a bpd" as you stated is someone only a mesed up guy would date.

and a guy that still cares for his ex is better than one that detests his ex? Interesting perspective. I guess I'm not much of a catch either since I really have very little liking for my ex. I'm kind to her as best I can be but I surely am closer to hating her than caring. I guess in spite of her basically dumping me and our kids for the fun world of drinking and men, I should still care for her though o.O Otherwise I'm under judgement?

I seriously question your perspective and disagree.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Angel, this is a very difficult situation and I wholeheartedly empathize with you. I KNOW how this must feel because I've been there and it hurts deep. It matters very little that he is NOW with you and that it may have been something just in text and nothing really happened. The thing is that he thought it, texted it and it was after he was with you. I cannot even begin to tell you how badly I feel for you about this.

To his credit and indeed many people who go through this transition of relationships, it happens. That does not in any way make it ok, it doesn't. I hope that he will come to you and really try to give you security in knowing he loves you, as I do believe he does. I think it was a mistake and he didn't think about what he was saying at the time when he did. The ugly truth is, we, and I think almost everyone, deal with temptation. Even as your bf, he will be attracted to other women, it's a fact. But this is what you should remember. he was TEMPTED or attracted but he is with YOU. That's hard to absorb, I know but after all this time, and I guarantee all the other alluring and attractive women out there, he continues to CHOOSE you everyday. Trust him. He has not cheated and I truly, knowing him, do not believe he will.

Remember he can go and have many other women out there any day of the week. But he is with YOU, everyday. His mistake is one of actually verbalizing his attraction and temptation.

HOpe this helps!
S4

It does. Thank you for being a good friend.

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Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

It does. Thank you for being a good friend.

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Of course. Always very welcome

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Wow really? Seriously you should think before you type, as this is extremely offensive. That a guy has to have issues in order to "hook up with a bpd"? I'm sorry but that's like saying "a bpd" as you stated is someone only a mesed up guy would date.

and a guy that still cares for his ex is better than one that detests his ex? Interesting perspective. I guess I'm not much of a catch either since I really have very little liking for my ex. I'm kind to her as best I can be but I surely am closer to hating her than caring. I guess in spite of her basically dumping me and our kids for the fun world of drinking and men, I should still care for her though o.O Otherwise I'm under judgement?

I seriously question your perspective and disagree.

That's okay, I realize my perspective of emotions and relationships may be off, that is why I am here in this forum reading and learning. I wasn't trying to be mean or disrespectful, just trying to give some perspective to her that he isn't perfect either....... we all make mistakes. And I didn't say he only cared for her because he was messed up.

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by Mercedes87

I disagree. There is a difference of staying pals with and ex and telling them they wish they could sleep with them.

I agree with you, now. In that moment I thought different.