[Freewilled]

Hello - I'm not diagnosed with Bpd (as far as I know - I've never asked my T) but I've suspected I could have this disorder for the past 14 years of my life....I am really struggling with positive feelings right now. I know that sounds weird but I'm feeling ok today for no reason and just a hand full of days ago I was so depressed I was having lots of suicidal ideations. I get really anxious when I feel ok - to the point of obsessing about it like I am right now /:

I just don't understand how I can go from feeling like I want to die and not being able to imagine anything will ever get better to feeling fine and having a hard time imagining things will ever feel bad again. It makes me so nervous like waiting for the other shoe to drop, if you will......what scares me is when things get bad, seems like they get just as bad or maybe a little worse even each time. I had a knife in my hand on Christmas Eve thinking about ending it but I was too afraid and would never do that to my child - to find his mother dead Christmas morning. Unthinkable and horrific. That I even thought about it makes me sick to my stomach.

This back and forth, up and down, makes me not trust myself or my feelings. I start feeling on the edge of super crazy and I see my t on Thursday and so afraid because I don't want to talk. Talk about what, you know? That things are seriously just fine and dandy now? I don't know why I'm like this. I fit all the criteria for bpd but I know self-diagnosis is just that....self-diagnosis. I haven't seriously cut myself in several years now but I struggle with urges to do so when things are bad. Sometimes I think I'm just incredibly self-absorbed.

Thanks for listening....

[technigal]

I totally get the waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things have slowly been getting better for me but I am worried of when the next meltdown will occur. I am trying to find happiness in the good days but it is hard.

[River11]

I'm 'feelin' ya', Freewilled. What you described is so like me.
It feels stupid going in to see the T when I'm going great and feeling good etc - but then last time I did we got into some eye-opening territory. Then I'll feel like the BPD stuff was a crazed dream. And then there'll come times when I feel there's way too much pain and bleakness to want to go on. Or those in between times when I'm not really in myself, or feeling like there's no way I can be those worthwhile things I was so motivated about before ....

I know it helps, esp in the depression phase, to get our attention off ourselves, but I also think that it's not that you're self-absorbed - it's just that there's so much to be watching in ourselves

Anyway, I hope you get some more helpful perspective and feel good about yourself as a person, and as the caring parent you clearly are