[misfit77]

Hello,
I am new here. To tell you a little about myself-we'll my mental health self-I was diagnosed with AD/HD at the age of 10 and depression at the age of 17. I am female, age 36. Recently my depression has gotten worse (again). It and the anxiety and panic has been really bad. My doctor changed my medication recently-I have been on numerous antidepressants and AD/HD drugs...they all seem to stop working and it has seemed like every year and a half it so now I end up crashing down.

I had a psychiatrist appointment today and did not expect what he said-I show a lot of characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. I know a little about it from having a client with it (I am an Employment Counsellor). My initial thought was-we'll probably like a lot of people with a mild understanding of it-I thought of Single White Female and Fatal Attraction.

I then downloaded a book he recommended and see a lot of the traits are there. I'm surprised I never suspected it-maybe in a way I did-but like with many things I saw the extremes of it and thought that couldn't be me. I also thought of things I knew about it-like that many people who have it were abused as children or had horrible parents and I didn't have that.

I see that Do have some of the characteristics but still seem confused by it all. I noticed the test he gave me was the Zanarini scale. I checked off most of the things. The three I didn't check off were questionable...he asked me about one then changed my answer.

Some traits I have:

Fear of abandonment -this fear is mainly of a close loved one dying. I worry about it a lot. I don't know that I have done things in an effort not to be abandoned by someone. What I have noticed and never understood about myself is why I haven't been able to forgive people who have hurt me, such as children that bullied me (even though the rational side of me says they were just kids-the other side of me says they are mean evil people who if I saw them today, would still think the same way about me). I also know I never got over my first boyfriend dumping me. It was almost 15 years ago. I think he broke up with me for someone else (though he said he met her after we broke up I'm pretty sure he didn't). He ended up marrying her and I have hated him and her since. I've tried to let go of the anger. But it always comes back. Especially because I think of all the times I was alone-and they were together and happy. And that's another thing-I avoided relationships even though I desperately wanted to be in one. I was single for about 8 years. I hated it. But I was too shy to meet anyone. My self esteem was too low and I was too afraid of getting hurt.

Self-injury - I cut myself sometimes

I am very moody and have quickly changed moods. I get very angry but hide it as best I can from others. I get angry at people I don't know, other drivers, people I see in stores that look a certain way, etc. YET-I am extremely empathetic, compassionate and often see the good in people that others don't see. I never try to hurt or manipulate others. I can be very cynical and complain a lot and have been told many times to "stop being so negative".

Boredom kills me. It causes me anxiety.

My current relationship is full of arguments, chaos and "break-ups". I thought it was because of his drinking (which is a big part of it-he can be a jerk when he's drinking).

Mild Bulimia-I sometimes purge if I feel I have eaten too much

Poor self image. I'm obsessed with my body image-I think the world is obsessed with beauty and perfect bodies and don't think I measure up.

Perfectionism-I am a perfectionist at work-I have been having panic attacks because I can't handle my job. I beat myself up for letting people down. I take forever to do certain tasks for them because I feel that if I don't do it right they won't get a job.

I'm impulsive...I buy what I want -usually not big things-but they add up and I am in debt because of it. If I get it in my mind that I need a new comforter for my bed-we'll I won't talk myself out of it. I will try to find it cheaper-but in the end I will buy it-put it on credit and let the bills pile up. I'm not reckless though-I'd feel too much guilt if I did something bad. I stole a pair of sunglasses when I was 14 and stewed in guilt about it for months. I thought I'd get caught somehow after the fact and that my parents would be disappointed in me.

I have felt distrustful of people but I thought its from my dad cheating on my mom my whole life and the fact that I majored in criminology in university. But who knows.

I have a huge sense of justice and what's fair and have tried to get over that. I hate admitting that I have felt like life hasn't been fair to me. I get mad at myself when I start acting like a victim. I've seen people act that way and I hate them.

So that's my story. Sorry it's kind if a novel. Thank you for reading it.

Misfit

[ImNotHere]

Hi there, Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story. It does sound like you have a lot of characteristics of BPD and I think that it is good your psychiatrist brought this up (my therapist wont take me seriously, she believes all BPD's are the stereotypical manipulative attention seeker). Can I ask what the name of the book is?

Just know you are not alone with what you are going through. Now you have lots of people to help you through everything and who completely understand and can relate to you.

[bpdtransformation]

Welcome! It sounds like you already have some good awareness about your issues. Are you in therapy at the moment, or do you only see a psychiatrist for medication?

[misfit77]

Hi guys,
Thank you for your replies.

I am not in therapy right now. I have been in therapy before. I tend to have a lot of ups and downs. I have felt myself skipping for a while, then around mid-January I crashed. I was fortunate that I got in with a psychiatrist so fast...usually it takes so long. He wants me to read " Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder: Relieve Your Suffering Using the Core Skill of Dialectical Behavior Therapy" by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen. Then I am supposed to go back to do another assessment or something to be actually diagnosed with it.

I am really trying to be objective-not be like a first year psychology student and diagnose myself. I am seeing a lot of things though-a lot of light bulbs are coming of.

There are so many things I never understood about my depression-like why I was so moody-how my mood could change so fast. And why it takes me so long to get over things. And a lot of other things. The psychiatrist said that it could be why I have gone through years of different therapists and medications but still feel this way. I think the thing that probably has brought the symptoms out now is from living with my boyfriend. He's the first boyfriend I have lived with...so I think it's caused a lot of hidden anxiety and made it hard to hide from the symptoms.

Anyway, thanks again for your replies and leading my very long post
Misfit

[henrydavidtherobot]

You sound a LOT like me. Boredom and perfectionism kill me.

I was terrified of my BPD diagnosis, but then you learn more about it and realize that it's not as awful as you think.