Broken Hearted

I come to you today because I am having trouble differentiating between the borderline, the normal and reality in general.

I'll start with some back story. I met this man many years ago while playing a game. We became friends and soon it became more. Initially this was something I fought as he is American and I am Australian but he was so persuasive and eventually I gave into my own desires and placed faith in our ability to make it work.

Unfortunately he soon became distant and moody and as a borderline I naturally responded by trying to force his affections. I would start arguments because I felt that he wasn't paying enough attention (And to be fair he himself admits that he changed from the person I had met. He says he was going through a tough time and also readily admits to taking that out on me) and I was insecure in his love for me.

Of course this all became too much with the arguments and the neediness and he decided we would be better off as friends. His initial reason was because his physical needs weren't being met although recently he has said it was because he couldn't be there for me when he knew I needed him.

Long story short two years later we were still friends (at least in his eyes. I still don't consider myself 'over' him.) and he was still less than a good friend. If I didn't message him we didn't talk because according to him "he doesn't message first." Having not spoken for several months due to my own refusal to begin a conversation I decided we were no longer capable of friendships and attempted to walk away only for him to write an apology promising to be different. And true to his word we began talking more regularly and he put a lot of effort into reassuring me that we were great friends and that he would never abandon me (his own words.)

Until now. He made a new friend, a lady friend, I became insanely jealous and we had an argument. I questioning his need for us to remain friends and his statement about why we broke up because after all as friends I was still as needy and he was still unable to be there for me. He being his new 'zen' self and explaining that he was over me and that nothing I could do would make any difference to him because he has gotten over his issues and learned to let everything go and I should too but that he still wanted to be friends.

I told him that I obviously couldn't get over him while he was still around and that friends wasn't an option.

We now haven't spoken in a week.

I think this is proving to be especially hard for me because for the longest time I have let myself be dependent on him as my only friend. I've cut most people from my life.

I'm not good at making friends. The pain people can cause scares me too much and I often feel unworthy of friendship or like I'm getting in the way of something a potential friend would rather be doing.

I feel like a terrible person for not being able to move on. For not being able to give him what he wanted and I hate myself for that. I'm mad at him for taking his own anger out on me in the past while now appearing to be so very stable. I feel like it's my fault that he was angry when we were together, like I broke him. I'm mad at him for insisting we remain friends when he knew I was struggling. I'm mad at him for appearing to brush everything that happened between us under the carpet like it never mattered.

Mostly I feel broken and un-whole. Like a part of me is missing. I'm guessing that's normal heart break speaking there but to think that so many others have been though this doesn't help. It makes it feel cheap. He was the first person in my life to really make me feel I could be loved and I thought it was something special. Now I know it was nothing.

Why was he so intent on remaining friends anyway? Was he hoping to cover over all the pain? Did he really in some way care? Was he simply out to terrorize me?

I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I don't know what part of what I'm feeling is just the BPD.

I want to understand how he so easily moved on when I'm still stuck in a rut.

Hi bete. I know exactly how you are feeling. This happened to me as well, although she did not want to be friends and hates me so much its disgusting. Within a week after she said she would always be she left me, took the kids, and moved in with her new "man". Left me like I was a fart in the wind. My point is I to don't understand how she did it so easily. Its hard to tell if its the BPD or a normal reaction. I still don't know and its been almost a year. However you have to try to get over these feelings. I know its hard and you feel like crap over it. But at some point we have to let go and accept that it is what it is. Do you have any hobbies you like to do? Something to make you feel better?

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I'm struggling with my concentration so reading is out and much of my gaming life is now 'tainted' by him so I'm struggling to find a distraction.

I am coping though- to the extent that I've shut down emotionally. I always find that easier lol

I understand the problem with concentration. Mines so bad i m surprised I can read the forums lol. I'm guessing you and him used to game together? It is really hard to find something to distract you when you have something so bothersome on your mind. Come to think of it, I'm not sure how I've done it. Haven't given it much thought I guess. I'm glad you able to find a way to cope, but be careful. I too just shut down emotionally because it was easier. But now I can't seem to get any emotion back. Its like I put them away, threw away the key, then lost them. I feel like a monster without a soul... I don't want you to have to go through that.

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Yeah, we spent a lot of time gaming together. I can't even turn on my PS3 right now because I don't want to experience the horror of him not being on my friends list.

Ah well. I have learned my lesson. If you're both gamers make sure you play different games! lol

I understand, its hard to continue doing something when the person u did it with is no longer around. Now is a great time to start finding new friends so u can continue doing what u love. Lol playing different games is a plus, who knows, maybe u will find a new gaming buddy with a different game. 😊 hang in there, everything is gonna be OK!

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a charactistic of bpd is not getting over things and holding onto to insignificant things for a long time. (not saying your situation is insignificant but to non bpd suffers thats how it seems) i recently had a similar situation where someone in my family screamed at me at christmas and told me I was a disgrace and the black sheep of my family. to this day I will not go around my family at all...and i will never talk to her again. I got into a fight with her daughter who is 33 years old and she decided to stick her nose in my business. my family doesnt understand why im still so upset but I just cant get over it. I just try not to think about it..When I was with my ex husband I didnt want to be with him because of my own insecurities and then when he finally left and didnt want me I suddenly wanted to be with him even though I knew he was toxic for me. Its like a psychological game I played with myself. I know how you feel...you just gotta try to keep yourself busy and dont be afraid to cry. I cried for days and weeks. I started talking to other guys and thats how I occupied my time..

Unfortunately my meeting him was a complete fluke I'm usually very anti social in games and by some twist of something this one time I decide to join a guild, I run into him.

Thanks, Gina. My problem is that I realize that this is probably the case but then I upset myself because I feel like I wasted so much effort and emotion on this and then I get mad that I was so stupid and I'm sure you know how the rest goes lol

I've been going over and over this in my head, trying to figure out what I did. How I could have been better and I feel like such an idiot.

There were so many red flags. So many warnings that he wasn't all he appeared to be but in my desperate need to be loved I ignored them.

The way he was declaring his love for me when I was still wondering if we could even be in a relationship.

How after a few months when I was fully hooked he changed from sweet and attentive to apathetic and uninvolved. (He actually admits to "sheltering" me during our initial interactions.)

How every time I brought up my feelings he dismissed them because he hadn't done anything wrong and I was just being over sensitive and needed to get over it. (To be fair I told myself that same thing without his input.)

How he would blow up at even the slightest teasing over a possible imperfection.

How when I finally found the guts to walk away he turned on the nice again. Like a switch, he just started being everything he once was and hadn't been.

And most importantly, he declared HIMSELF a mental terrorist. He admitted that he enjoyed messing with people's heads. It gives him a rush...

But he would never do that to me.

It's his birthday today. *Sigh*

I think though for the most part I've got this under control. Without him there to keep the wounds open I can at least clamp down on the emotions.

The thing that really keeps bothering me though is in our last argument.

He very deliberately baited me into cutting contact. Every time he responded to what I had to say he would end with "you have the power to make it go away" or something similar.

WHY!? Why wouldn't he do it himself? Was it really just so he could take the high ground like he suggested or was there something more?

it sounds like he is playing mind games with you, little comments like "you have the power to make it go away" he's saying that because he knows you won't do that. i had an ex that used to play the same kind of games with me, she knew i was hooked and couldn't leave her alone, so she used that to her advantage every chance she got. it's awful, when they do this. once they know they got you hooked all these silly little games begin, the fact that he said he is a mental terrorist says it all right there, hopefully you can hold it together today i know it's gonna be hard, hang in there and good luck

Yeah, I realize that to some extent he has manipulated and used me (and I'm sure he didn't think I would leave) but there were good times too. Times when he actually managed to break through my own self loathing and make me feel special.

Then things like that last fight happen and he tells me he won't make it easy for me by giving me a reason to hate him and all I can think is that the only reason he did that was so he could take the high ground and say that he didn't abandon me.

In the end there was no concern for me only his own ego and I feel like such an idiot and want to hate him for all the pain only to start thinking it's all my fault for being so difficult or that I deserve to be treated badly and that maybe he wasn't all that bad which he wasn't but does the good stuff make up for the bad?

I'm at a point in my life where I think I could honestly give up all chance at true happiness if it meant I never had to hurt again.

That sounds just like my ex-bf. Right down to telling me he liked to mess with peoples heads. He didn't call himself a 'mental terrorist'---his name of choice was 'demon'. I think he liked the way it sounded. In fact, the one thing he was very good at (and never realized it) was telling me everything he was going to do...months before he did. After we broke up, long after, I started putting the pieces together and realized I had ignored, or set aside all of the warnings, some of which he had unwittingly offered.

If your ex isn't a Narcissist...I'll eat my hat. If you're BPD, be glad you're well out of it. And cry when you need to. It took me 3 months to get over the hurt, confusion, memories that haunted me..seemed nearly everything had his touch on it, and that was the worst. I cried at least once every day for 3 months. Getting over a narc is a process, not an event. You'll do it. Have patience with yourself.

I don't think he's necessarily a narcissist, there were times when I felt like there was genuine emotion from him but he's definitely got some traits.

I find it rather disturbing though that it took someone like that to break through my own issues. Is that all that's in store for me? I need someone who will treat me badly? Am I really so used to being treated badly that that is the only thing that can reach me?

I know I've said at times not to be nice to me because I'm not used to it and it makes me uncomfortable but that is ridiculous!