can a BPD be happily married?

trying2survive · Apr 08, 2014, 10:48 AM

i've been sitting here thinking about all my past relationships (8 of them total)
and they have all failed,i've pushed and pulled people away in one form or another. i've always wanted to get married one day, but it seems like i keep getting in my own way, has anyone else experienced this? do you guys think we can every be in a happy stable relationship? or is this wishful thinking on my part. is it possible for people like us to be happily married someday and put all the pain,anxiety,self loathing and mood swing behind us? what do you guys think?

ginaaa22 · Apr 08, 2014, 01:19 PM

yes it is possible. I'm getting married probably in the next few weeks because of health benefits but we have been engaged for awhile anyways. Before being with him I never thought I would get married or be able to be happy. It takes time and hard work- on both parts- to make the relationship work. He knows about my BPD and bipolar and comes to counseling with me...reads books about it..and always tries to talk to me. Our communication skills have really grown and I think that is what makes our relationship to great is that we can talk to each other.

skyxblue · Apr 08, 2014, 01:51 PM

I do think it's possible. You need to find the right person. One that is understanding with what you go through. I too am one for pushing people away and I end things before they can. In any healthy relationship (not just bpd) both need to work at it. I've had partners who knew I had mental health issues but wanted to pretend it wasn't there. The most important thing is what ginaaa22 said.... communication.

Apr 08, 2014, 02:36 PM

I have been married 22 years (I married very young) so yeah it is very possible, You will find the right person, I honestly don't know how my husband has put up with me for so long Lol.

technigal · Apr 08, 2014, 02:37 PM

In a couple of weeks I will have been married for 12 years. Is our marriage all sunshine and roses? Of course not, no marriage is. My husband has been by my side through my diagnosis and has loved and supported me. Yes, it is possible and like any marriage both people need to want the marriage to work.

trying2survive · Apr 08, 2014, 03:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ginaaa22

yes it is possible. I'm getting married probably in the next few weeks because of health benefits but we have been engaged for awhile anyways. Before being with him I never thought I would get married or be able to be happy. It takes time and hard work- on both parts- to make the relationship work. He knows about my BPD and bipolar and comes to counseling with me...reads books about it..and always tries to talk to me. Our communication skills have really grown and I think that is what makes our relationship to great is that we can talk to each other.

congratulations! that's awesome, great news..so that means there is hope, huh?
i/m so happy to hear this,thank you

JadeAmethyst · Apr 08, 2014, 04:07 PM

Dear Trying
It IS doable, and lots of work for each partner of course. H and I have been through hell and back a lot in the last 14 years, but maybe we're more flexible with each others issues and strengths as well.

Jade

trying2survive · Apr 08, 2014, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skyxblue

I do think it's possible. You need to find the right person. One that is understanding with what you go through. I too am one for pushing people away and I end things before they can. In any healthy relationship (not just bpd) both need to work at it. I've had partners who knew I had mental health issues but wanted to pretend it wasn't there. The most important thing is what ginaaa22 said.... communication.

that's an excellent point, finding the right person & communication,
do you think it's a good idea to speak about mental health issues early in the relationship or no? just a thought. i wish i could stop pushing away, control it.
make it stop, you know?

trying2survive · Apr 08, 2014, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krazy Cat

I have been married 22 years (I married very young) so yeah it is very possible, You will find the right person, I honestly don't know how my husband has put up with me for so long Lol.

that's awesome 22yrs huh? proof it can be done, what do you think was the hardest part?

trying2survive · Apr 08, 2014, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by technigal

In a couple of weeks I will have been married for 12 years. Is our marriage all sunshine and roses? Of course not, no marriage is. My husband has been by my side through my diagnosis and has loved and supported me. Yes, it is possible and like any marriage both people need to want the marriage to work.

12yrs, nice, you guys are doing something right! teamwork is the answer then, huh?

Apr 08, 2014, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trying2survive

that's awesome 22yrs huh? proof it can be done, what do you think was the hardest part?

That is a tough question, If you mean by me being BPD then I would say..My husband putting up with my moods and the anger and him finding out about my self harm Luckily he understands, I know he feels helpless at times.

trying2survive · Apr 08, 2014, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadeAmethyst

Dear Trying
It IS doable, and lots of work for each partner of course. H and I have been through hell and back a lot in the last 14 years, but maybe we're more flexible with each others issues and strengths as well.

Jade

that's great, glad to hear it. very encouraging indeed

so the ability to be flexible is pretty important then? i imagine a truckload of work too..

waggiedog · Apr 08, 2014, 05:17 PM

Hi there. YES, it's very very possible. I spent 12 very happy years with my partner before he died suddenly. It was a huge blow but I KNOW for sure we would have remained together forever!! I have a very extreme type of BPD. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Apr 08, 2014, 05:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by waggiedog

Hi there. YES, it's very very possible. I spent 12 very happy years with my partner before he died suddenly. It was a huge blow but I KNOW for sure we would have remained together forever!! I have a very extreme type of BPD. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I am sorry about your partner

trying2survive · Apr 08, 2014, 05:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krazy Cat

That is a tough question, If you mean by me being BPD then I would say..My husband putting up with my moods and the anger and him finding out about my self harm Luckily he understands, I know he feels helpless at times.

you are so lucky!! it's great to have a partner that understands & i know you probably feel bad when he's feeling helpless, but that is so wonderful that he is there for you, i know we can really be something else to deal with, we don't mean to be, but it just happens that way!

trying2survive · Apr 08, 2014, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by waggiedog

Hi there. YES, it's very very possible. I spent 12 very happy years with my partner before he died suddenly. It was a huge blow but I KNOW for sure we would have remained together forever!! I have a very extreme type of BPD. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

i have an extreme type of BPD as well, so this is especially satisfying to hear this from you, i've been having doubts about my suitability for marriage, but i don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, i'm sorry to hear about your partner, that must have been a devastating blow, it's so good to know there is hope though

Maranara · Apr 08, 2014, 10:52 PM

Been married 25 years. Been rocky at times but still hanging in there.

trying2survive · Apr 09, 2014, 09:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maranara

Been married 25 years. Been rocky at times but still hanging in there.

that is truly amazing, rocky at times but still going strong, huh? it's so nice to know there is hope, i was beginning to think i could forget about it, never gonna happen, but hey 25 years is living proof ,right? that is so awesome

Samwise_23 · Apr 09, 2014, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trying2survive

i've been sitting here thinking about all my past relationships (8 of them total)
and they have all failed,i've pushed and pulled people away in one form or another. i've always wanted to get married one day, but it seems like i keep getting in my own way, has anyone else experienced this? do you guys think we can every be in a happy stable relationship? or is this wishful thinking on my part. is it possible for people like us to be happily married someday and put all the pain,anxiety,self loathing and mood swing behind us? what do you guys think?

It's never worked for me, had two attempts. Longest relationship recently was 7 years, but I hope to do better. My take, you/ we need someone special who is strong and gets what we're about. Someone who won't run. Jury is out for me at the moment after a bad weekend.

On a positive note, you're not me........ Lucky bugger....... So you may / will have a chance if you stay positive. At 55 I'm still trying.

Paul

Withered-Rose79 · Apr 09, 2014, 11:11 AM

I think we can be happily married. I was married for 12 years. The relationship ended, but not because of my BPD. We both had our struggles and I loved him very much, but he was an alcoholic in denial and that life had become unhealthy for my children. I'd like to think that if he had ever confronted his drinking problem, we would still be together today. I think it takes two people willing to work through the struggles together, but it can be done.

trying2survive · Apr 09, 2014, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Samwise_23

It's never worked for me, had two attempts. Longest relationship recently was 7 years, but I hope to do better. My take, you/ we need someone special who is strong and gets what we're about. Someone who won't run. Jury is out for me at the moment after a bad weekend.

On a positive note, you're not me........ Lucky bugger....... So you may / will have a chance if you stay positive. At 55 I'm still trying.

Paul

you got me beat by a year, my longest was 6 yrs( wasn't easy, either!) i think you right in the respect that we need someone strong and understanding too,
extremely affectionate would help a lot to is my guess, staying positive is a must, but at times it sure ain't easy..gets me down sometimes!

Samwise_23 · Apr 09, 2014, 11:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trying2survive

you got me beat by a year, my longest was 6 yrs( wasn't easy, either!) i think you right in the respect that we need someone strong and understanding too,
extremely affectionate would help a lot to is my guess, staying positive is a must, but at times it sure ain't easy..gets me down sometimes!

You and me both!!! I'll stick with my choice though, I don't seem to need the physical side much any more. Age or the meds to blame. Keep going there has to be someone who will understand us at some point.

Paul

trying2survive · Apr 09, 2014, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Samwise_23

You and me both!!! I'll stick with my choice though, I don't seem to need the physical side much any more. Age or the meds to blame. Keep going there has to be someone who will understand us at some point.

Paul

hee hee, i can agree with you there. that was one of my older relationships( the one that lasted 6 yrs) i can't seem to get past the 3 1/2 yr mark now.
i feel like i just can't get enough affection or effort out of my s/o's
but that's just one of the issues i guess, but like you said all we can do is keep going, gotta be someone out there, right? i'm hoping i can work things out with my last ex, but only time will tell..

trying2survive · Apr 09, 2014, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Withered-Rose79

I think we can be happily married. I was married for 12 years. The relationship ended, but not because of my BPD. We both had our struggles and I loved him very much, but he was an alcoholic in denial and that life had become unhealthy for my children. I'd like to think that if he had ever confronted his drinking problem, we would still be together today. I think it takes two people willing to work through the struggles together, but it can be done.

12 yrs is a long time, it's good that things worked for at least a lil while.alcohol can be a huge problem, when i was with my ex i was able to quit drinking, no problem..didn't even miss it, when we broke up i gradually started back up again.
it takes a lot of effort to confront a drinking problem, drinking is not easy to quit for most people, when i quit before i did it for me & for us & for the relationship.
after we broke up, holding it together was a lot harder than i thought, i know i shouldn't say this but i felt like i couldn't do it without her support, not easy to work throught the struggles though, huh? i wish i would have been more willing to work through them than push her away and run

Samwise_23 · Apr 09, 2014, 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trying2survive

hee hee, i can agree with you there. that was one of my older relationships( the one that lasted 6 yrs) i can't seem to get past the 3 1/2 yr mark now.
i feel like i just can't get enough affection or effort out of my s/o's
but that's just one of the issues i guess, but like you said all we can do is keep going, gotta be someone out there, right? i'm hoping i can work things out with my last ex, but only time will tell..

Good luck with that, honestly. I'm of the never look back persuasion I'm afraid, once the relationship has ended I cut and run. Actually the BPD makes me sabotage most relationships before they get going. As I say I'm a monster! Some say I have a heart like a swinging brick.…… what do they know? I'm a softy really.

Paul.

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