[DLR7885]

I had been suicidal again the last few days. I left the house early yesterday to determine whether I should implement my plan. After my wife realized I had left and actually started to do what I had said the day before that I felt like doing, she tried desperately to reach me. I finally heard her two distraught voice mails but by that point, I had decided to abandon the plan.

I did speak with her. I strongly felt her caring and concern. And the whole episode spurred me to take a bay step toward a new career as my current job is a major and constant source of my angst and depression.

But I returned to form today after another dreary day at the dead-end job and basically ignored the positive, close feelings that had just been strengthened with my wife. I expressed a lot of negatively, in the end really upsetting her, which I don't want to do after all she has been through and how she has been there for me.

This is one example of the roller coaster I have been on for so long. I don't know if I can get off of it since I have such strong feelings, and a lot of flooding, pulling me in different directions one after the other.

Is there a way to get off?

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by DLR7885

I had been suicidal again the last few days. I left the house early yesterday to determine whether I should implement my plan. After my wife realized I had left and actually started to do what I had said the day before that I felt like doing, she tried desperately to reach me. I finally heard her two distraught voice mails but by that point, I had decided to abandon the plan.

I did speak with her. I strongly felt her caring and concern. And the whole episode spurred me to take a bay step toward a new career as my current job is a major and constant source of my angst and depression.

But I returned to form today after another dreary day at the dead-end job and basically ignored the positive, close feelings that had just been strengthened with my wife. I expressed a lot of negatively, in the end really upsetting her, which I don't want to do after all she has been through and how she has been there for me.

This is one example of the roller coaster I have been on for so long. I don't know if I can get off of it since I have such strong feelings, and a lot of flooding, pulling me in different directions one after the other.

Is there a way to get off?

i don't know if there is a way to completely get off( i'm on a roller coaster too!), but i do know you can lessen the impact of the ride, this forum has done that quite nicely for me.
when i first came here i was at the end of my rope and ready to end it all.

i'm glad i didn't.

since i have come here i have met some great new friends and wonderful people, it's been very therapeutic for me & i believe we can help you too.
it sounds like a you have a wonderful wife and i don't think you would want to put her through the pain of losing you.

my advice begins like this, first you are going to want to work on getting a new job ASAP and know the dead end job is not the end for you, you are getting better by getting away from that place that brings you down.
those feelings you are having means it's time for a change and you are unhappy.

life at times is hard, other times it downright sucks and then you get the good times...it won't always be bad and things do get better, hang in there if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to pm me anytime! hope this helps!

[Frankbtl]

Hi DLR, first of all really well done on talking to/opening up to your wife!! That can take a lot of strength and a lot of courage!!! And it is really good that you found how supportive she can be as well.
Now you had that drive, that motivation to find a new job, so it's still under there somewhere, if you can chip away at the feelings you have now (and it sounds like your wife might like to help you with that). Sometimes when you know the positive feelings might not last (with you having to walk into another day on the job) it's worth making the most of that positivity.
So maybe write down your feelings at that time inc. "I do have to get another job!!".........and set yourself some goals/steps in doing that with timescales.
Something like tomorrow I will get two application forms.......because you know if you leave any planning until you're at the bottom of the rollercoaster you're not going to have the inclination to do very much, you'll have almost forgotten that drive, you won't know/care where to begin, so at least if you've got something concrete you're to do it can help a bit. And have your wife help you at that time too.
And as for work, can you take a holiday, to take a bit of a break, and look for another job But the job you look for doesn't even have to be as good as the one you've got even, does it? The main thing is your emotional well-being!! What's best for you, regardless!!
But just keep on talking......to your wife.....to us.......and if you think (??) to your doctor. Your doctor may be able to help you to get in a better place to be able to start the ball rolling/to feel better on your own in time (and with support form others if/when you need it!!).
Alison

[DLR7885]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi DLR, first of all really well done on talking to/opening up to your wife!! That can take a lot of strength and a lot of courage!!! And it is really good that you found how supportive she can be as well.
Now you had that drive, that motivation to find a new job, so it's still under there somewhere, if you can chip away at the feelings you have now (and it sounds like your wife might like to help you with that). Sometimes when you know the positive feelings might not last (with you having to walk into another day on the job) it's worth making the most of that positivity.
So maybe write down your feelings at that time inc. "I do have to get another job!!".........and set yourself some goals/steps in doing that with timescales.
Something like tomorrow I will get two application forms.......because you know if you leave any planning until you're at the bottom of the rollercoaster you're not going to have the inclination to do very much, you'll have almost forgotten that drive, you won't know/care where to begin, so at least if you've got something concrete you're to do it can help a bit. And have your wife help you at that time too.
And as for work, can you take a holiday, to take a bit of a break, and look for another job But the job you look for doesn't even have to be as good as the one you've got even, does it? The main thing is your emotional well-being!! What's best for you, regardless!!
But just keep on talking......to your wife.....to us.......and if you think (??) to your doctor. Your doctor may be able to help you to get in a better place to be able to start the ball rolling/to feel better on your own in time (and with support form others if/when you need it!!).
Alison

I appreciated the statement that, "The main thing is your emotional well-being!! What's best for you, regardless!!"

It should be the case, but it has taken a back seat for a long time. I find it hard to tend to while stuffing myself into a straightlaced persona and doing what I have to do to function in the world. So any suggestions on how to balance that with emotional well-being would be welcome.

Thanks

[Frankbtl]

Hi DLR, firstly is there maybe a bit of flexibility in what you have to do to function. Sometimes we think I have to do x, I have to do y (sometimes to try to keep up an appearance, sometimes for others............) but just how hard would it be to "back out of" certain things?? And how big an effect would it really have if you minimised some of the things you think you should be doing?? If some things just weren't done??
If there are any practical things which have become your responsibility, could your wife, a friend, a family member help you out a bit more? It's not saying that you can't do some of those things, just that right now you might need a little more help with them or to just pass them on. There's only so much you can do while helping yourself too.
And if you need a bit more emotional support then, what's wrong with that? It sounds like your wife especially, wants to be there for you. And it's a partnership, right? So at times one or other of you is going to need a bit more support from the other, so now is maybe your time. So try not to "cut her out".
And do you think you could get a bit more support from people at work with what you need to be doing there. Worth trying?? Even if it's only with a few things, just something to take the pressure off a bit.
Or even talking to your coworkers may help a bit, you might at least find some of them are finding things hard too. And even a little understanding/empathy might help just a bit?? At least until you're on track to looking for another job.
But for the rest of your time are you making time to be doing things that might help you? Whether that's finding a way to unwind from work/everything, finding time to do something you enjoy, finding time to just relax, finding time to do nothing, finding time to spend time with/contact people who are close to you/could be close to you...........
And any expectations you feel either from yourself or others maybe challenge those a bit, it should be a lot more about what you need right now.
And you know, if you need to check in with your doctor about the way you're feeling/check in with anyone, then try not to stop yourself from doing that. What you need is important!! How you feel is important!! No shelving it!! It matters!! And just keep reminding yourself that you matter!!!
Alison