[woundedsoul]

My husband kept coming in home, and I would have to close out, and by the time I would open my screen back up, it had timed out. Now I have to rewrite everything again. And it was a long post.
Ok, here goes. So my whole life, all I've really ever wanted was to have some close friends. Like the ones that people make in childhood and have for the rest of their lives. Well I don't have that. By the time I graduated, I had moved at least 10 times. People always asked me if my parents were in the military. Nope. But they were FOB, ( fresh off the boat,) from Scotland, them and my brother were born there. They came here in 1964. I had to learn not to be sentimental about possessions, because when you move a lot, everything gets lost. I don't even have any pictures of when I was a child or a baby. I have one picture of my sister and I when I was about 8 months old and she was about 3. That's it. I grew up wishing for aunts and uncles, and grandparents like everyone else had. I wanted to live in just one house and have the same phone number for my whole life. But once your parents have left their country, moving houses, or cities, or even to different states, is no big deal. Because no place really feels like home to them anymore. But for me, I always felt so insecure. Always being the new girl. When we left upstate NY for AZ, I was still chunky but that summer I started losing weight, and by the time I started school, I had lost all the extra weight I had been carrying, although I still had low self esteem. I was hanging around the kids where I lived, and I thought they were so cool. They were all smoking, drinking, and smoking pot, so, so was I. That was the beginning of my teenage years. Amazingly, I still managed to keep a 4.0 grade while doing all of these extra curricular events. While learning by osmosis in class (especially history, one of less appreciated classes), during the day. And even while I was doing all of these things, my sister would still manage to somehow outshine me in the"I need more attention than you do, even though I don't even live at home because I'm married now" department. But, I am thinking this is probably where most of my problems are stemming from. Well, this and the other things I've written about. What do you all think? Hope you guys didn't fall asleep,

[ifst5]

It sounds like your early life was very unsettled - i had a similar experience myself. When we're not able to put down roots for very long it can make us feel unsure of what to do next or even who we are. That's tough to know how to handle. I hope you're feeling more stable now and as for friends - i've struggled with that too. Bizarrely i've done better with relationships but friends has been the real sticking point - i've always wanted someone i could really trust, really open up too, and i've only ever gotten hurt/let down. So now i've reevaluated my understanding of friendships. I take more what i can get and i don't invest myself too heavily. I too am one of those people who prefer less transience in life but unfortunately, as that seems to be the pattern, i now largely go along with it and try and find the silver linings where i can. I hope you find your own peace with the situation too

[serolod]

That's what I always wanted too... a close childhood friendship that lasted forever. My story is different in that I had childhood friends... then I moved far away and that traumatized me. I feel cheated, like I could have had this beautiful friendship but it got taken away from me. (Family too...I miss that). I feel selfish in a way b/c some people don't even have their parents near them and I do, but I guess leaving everything behind when I really didn't want to affected me in a very negative way. Anyway, frienships have been very rocky for me, and that's putting it nicely.

Didn't mean to hijack this with my experience, just wanted to let you know that I understand. It also sounds like it took you a long time to get help... I have yet to see a therapist myself. I've read through your posts and you sound like somebody I'd be friends with.