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#1
Jul 11, 2014, 09:45 AM
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hello! i have an interesting question for you all...
i suffer from bpd and i'm curious to know if bpds tend to pick partners who are not right for them? i like a guy who i think is not right for me...am i thinking this because i have bpd or is he genuinely not good for me? a brief background about the guy : its a long distance, huge age difference, says he doesnt want to be emotionally involved till he can afford to come see me...we have been talking for months now...when i say i love him or miss him, he doesnt reciprocate which gets me mad...i know i shouldnt be saying that unless i have been with him in the flesh, but we have skyped and talked for months...he says he has feelings for me. But he doesn't have any problems having naughty chats with me. Last edited by angelarun2001; Jul 11, 2014 at 09:58 AM. |
 anon111614, shezbut
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#2
Jul 11, 2014, 10:39 AM
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My guess is, long distance relationships are extremely difficult. No matter if you have BPD or not. My guess is, is that you pick the wrong partners because (yes this psycho babble) you're not ready for it. Long distance and age difference are two complicated things (especially if you're young). The best way now, especially since he's not 'reciprocating your love', is either to confront him about it. Tell him what you need, if he doesn't agree, well.. then you have your answer.
I do agree, as a BPD I tend to make dumb choices. I've never been in a relationship though. I've fallen in love, multiple times, but the thought of actually dating that person, kind of freaks me out. To be very honest, I feel very uncomfortable around single guys, once I know they're in a relationship I tend to loosen up a little bit and am finally able to talk to them. I guess then I know they're not interested. Anyway, I believe that this is different per person, and has very little to do with your disorder. Best of luck! |
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#3
Jul 11, 2014, 11:38 AM
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I don't know if we 'attract the wrong people' per se, but I know, with our issues with abandonment, we may attract people who we perhaps, internally know may very well abandon us....and then struggle our best to keep them even if that means becoming clingy and driving them away, or just driving them away before they can abandon us.
In your case, however, I feel you've chosen unwisely simply because he does not sound like a man who is ready to commit to you or anyone else. Not in a romantic way, at least. He 'has feelings' for you? How vague is that? He won't say he loves you even as you say it to him and you've been talking/skyping for 'months now'? By now, he should either be willing to reciprocate or explain WHY he cant or wont ( and believe me, I'm sure he knows he's making you angry--at the very least upset--when he doesn't say it to you). BUT he's willing to have 'naughty chats' with you, yet won't say he loves you??? Girlfriend...run, don't look back, just run and be grateful he hasn't had the money to come and see you in the flesh. IMHO he is bad news that is just getting more stinky with every passing day. He's taking advantage of you. And trust me, as you should trust your T and I'm willing to believe your T would say the same thing: YOU DESERVE BETTER. Take care... 
__________________
 Sometimes the opening of wings is more frightening than the challenge against gravity. Both make you free..............the secret is perception. |
 shezbut
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#4
Jul 11, 2014, 12:23 PM
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Hey @waiting4, Thankyou so much for your reply. Really appreciate it! I will definitely follow your advice.
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| waiting4
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#5
Jul 11, 2014, 12:25 PM
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Quote:
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| shezbut, waiting4
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#6
Jul 11, 2014, 10:19 PM
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Quote:
like you said, you probably shouldn't be saying you love him unless you have been with him in the flesh..totally agree with you ( i have been guilty of this ,too). you haven't held his hand, or kissed him or made love to him. you could only possibly be in love with the "idea" of what you think you are getting. people pretend to be all types of things online and you don't know what you got until you are with them in the flesh. IMHO "in the flesh" is so much better because there can be very little false pretenses, online is full of frauds,fakes,impostors and "catfishes" so to speak. even if you do get past the photos(usually photoshopped and who knows what else! yikes!) and such (skype is a good way to do that) you just don't know what you really have until you sit down at the table with them. he is wise not to want to become emotionally involved until he can come see you..very smart. he only knows what you present, he has never been around you. us BPD's tend to fall in love very quickly, so i can understand your disillusionment, i like to hear "i love you" asap..it re assures me and makes me feel better about myself and the "relationship" i am with with the person at that time. IMHO LD relationships are just a bad idea, you really need to be there with the person, especially for a BPD..that person isn't there in the flesh & they don't answer the phone right away... i don't have to say anymore!
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!  
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#7
Jul 12, 2014, 04:27 AM
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yes i agree with both @mary-jane and @tryingtosurvive, i tend to pick people who are not available, hence i tend to go for long distance...so he's bad news.....thanks for the reply guys!
 )))
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#8
Jul 12, 2014, 04:35 AM
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I tend to become friends with people, and I only see the good in them. I don't see anything wrong. Then when others talk about my friends - its in a totally different way. I get stressed and depressed about it. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong....
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#9
Jul 12, 2014, 04:47 AM
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See, we tend to create to ourselves a false image of people who couldn't care less for us, so we're constantly used. I'm 34 years old, my first girlfriend was using me to get back at an ex when I found out, my second was a long distance relationship, I could visit and stay with her a week per month in her house....until I've found out I was a spare, and the third is too traumatic to tell to you guys - I just don't wanna mention her.
And I deemed them as goddesses, as people I should do everything in my power to please them, but they just took advantage of my clinging, supportive and highly sycophantic demeanor towards them, with sex being the most important element. I would try simply to sum it up, to be someone worthy of their love....there was no love. And it angers me because I have a strong repulsion for causal sex, even masturbation...there must be a TRUE and LOVING human touch for me to become aroused. And I have to live bitterly knowing that I failed three times in 34 years...but not failed THEM. I've failed myself.
__________________
"Did you ever wake up to find A day That broke up your mind Destroyed your notion of circular time? It's just that demon life that got you in its' sway..."
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| waiting4
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| waiting4
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#10
Jul 12, 2014, 10:22 AM
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Thank you for your words. I wish I could stop doing that, but I keep hoping eventually....I'll be right and they won't be false. Except they always are. 
__________________
Sometimes the opening of wings is more frightening than the challenge against gravity. Both make you free..............the secret is perception. |
| Lefty_Mac
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| Lefty_Mac
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#11
Jul 12, 2014, 03:24 PM
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I hope you have better insight and don't get hurt . . .again. |
| Lefty_Mac
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#12
Jul 12, 2014, 05:55 PM
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Well...it has only been months, dear and love is a powerful word. He can't use it cause he knows he is not there. This is too one sided and being in person ....you can learn so much more about people. Hmmm...talking naughty... RUN ANGEL RUN! I don't mean to make light of it but IMO you are setting yourself up for hurt. Please take caution.
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#13
Jul 12, 2014, 10:19 PM
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OP
most assuredly we sure do!!!!
__________________
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#14
Jul 13, 2014, 12:00 PM
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i used to sleep with anything with a pulse. all of them were wrong. i found the right one eventually though.
__________________
desperately trying not to drown |
| Lefty_Mac, waiting4
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#15
Jul 16, 2014, 11:48 AM
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Thankyou for all the kind words and lovely advise!
I appreciate it a lot... And I'm sorry to hear about those who are hurt just like me.. Love for you all
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#16
Jul 17, 2014, 03:28 AM
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#17
Jul 17, 2014, 04:22 AM
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Quote:
__________________
"Did you ever wake up to find A day That broke up your mind Destroyed your notion of circular time? It's just that demon life that got you in its' sway..."
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| waiting4
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#18
Jul 19, 2014, 01:46 PM
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Quote:
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
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#19
Jul 19, 2014, 01:53 PM
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I think in general borderlines struggle with vulnerability and abandonment issues which may or may not make them targets for users, like sociopaths. No one knows one's inner life, but I've learned to recognize predators. And they are all around, even here.
__________________
"Men’s vows are women’s traitors". Act 3, Scene 4 - "Cymbeline", by William Shakespeare |
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#20
Jul 19, 2014, 02:10 PM
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Quote:
__________________
I have learned that i and i alone am responsible for my happiness, most people these days are as reliable as wet toilet paper!
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#21
Jul 22, 2014, 12:35 PM
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Quote:
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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