[shakespeare47]

You're minding your own business, when someone you have only a casual relationship with, says something to you that is quite offensive.

Is it healthy to stay away from them and ignore them as much as possible in the future?

[nummy]

Maybe not. Might make sense to be up front with them about their offensive remark. IMO.

[ifst5]

The thing is, as time has now passed since they've made this remark, saying something more general in their company or having a quiet word with them could end up overstating your concern and serve to make the situation more awkward. Did they make the remark in deference to you or was this something random and offhand? If it's the latter it might be best to let it go...but if they something similar again i wouldn't hesitate in letting them know that others would disagree with such views. This may make them aware, in a more subtle way, that some of their thoughts should probably be kept to themselves. If you felt this remark was directed at you it's definitely best to ask them and then in as neutral manner as possible, state that you don't appreciate such treatment and won't be tolerating it in future.

Was this in a working environment? There are procedures in place to deal with behaviour like this once it becomes more serious, but for now it can probably be safely navigated by yourself.

Avoiding the matter also requires careful judgement because it can lead to unresolved feelings on your side and continued ignorance on their end. No one 'wins' that way. All the best.

[shakespeare47]

It was in a public library... there is a child's storytime open to the public. The offender is the mother of another child. We're both regular attenders. It's difficult to describe what happened, except that she made some disparaging remarks about the way I run my business in an off-handed joking matter. And in the same conversation (or rather she made remarks while I listened) she also make some odd comments comparing her son to mine, in a way that left me feeling she thinks I'm too impressed with my child's abilities...

So, I'm left with the feeling I need to apologize for or defend the way I run my business, and in the way I take pride in my son. Neither of which are any of her damn business.

[ifst5]

Ah i understand now. Sounds like jealousy. If she can't deal with her issues in a healthy way, to the point where she can't even be more direct with you, i think it's understandable to want less contact if any at all. Perhaps next time it wouldn't hurt to follow up any further remarks with what i would call 'positive' acknowledgement. All you need to do is say; thank you, i'm proud of my business, or yes i'm proud of my son, he's worked very hard. Smile, go on your way and leave her to her anger

[woundedsoul]

I agree that she's just jealous of you. Maybe she wishes she had the life you have. Possibly her child isn't as (I hate to say bright) but maybe, advanced? Or possibly learning as quickly? I know when my twins were little, I had a friend who had a daughter that was a month older than my boys were. She was speaking in sentences, and my boys could barely say 2 or 3 words. It seemed like they were so far behind her little girl. And in my head I knew that they had been born 5 weeks premature, which causes a delay. Also, being a boy and being that they are twins (they tend to have their own language) all cause delays. In my reasonable mind, I could understand this, but in my mommy mind, I worried that they were never going to speak. I got them speech therapy, and preschool, and still they were very slow in learning to talk. And you know what happened? Now I wish they'd shut up! I'm sure that's what is going on with her though. She's probably intimidated by you, and some people don't know how to handle those feelings, so instead of trying to be friends with you, she doing the opposite and trying to make herself look better than you to the other people in hopes that they'll like her better. If they have a brain in their heads, they'll see through it, but don't count on it. Lots of people just believe what they are told. Good luck.

[shakespeare47]

^Thanks for that.. Luckily, I'm not even sure that anyone else heard her..... At most maybe one other person did.

[shakespeare47]

Funny that you should mention speech therapy. I am quite proud of our son, he's our only child, and we lost a daughter before he came along..(I just hope we're not spoiling him too much, lol) We were worried about him for a while, because although he met every other milestone, he was wayyyyy behind in his speech. Some in the county's program even tried to suggest he was autistic, or on the autism spectrum (I really doubted it then, and I haven't heard it mentioned in years). So, we got him some free public help (playgroup and speech therapy) and private speech therapy at age 3. He's made huge leaps and bounds in his speech. He's 5 now, and I doubt anyone notices any issues. He'll start kindergarten in the fall.

[Kimaya]

Depends on your threshold level for pain and how practiced you are.

On the one hand because negative feelings are going to attach to this person and then they might also continue their behavior, being safe is important. On the other hand if you ignore them right off, you may never get a chance to build interpersonal skills (or how to manage these situations with DBT).

I do believe that practice helps in coping beyond DBT... I know that when I used to post my art getting an even somewhat negative remark could send me into a spiral of darkness for a couple of weeks.

But years of practicing how to negotiate commenting on other people's art (your behavior to another person) and accepting criticism or even crazy flames, entering contests and losing way more than winning has made me functional even with the negativity surrounding my art (I have my triggers LOL). In fact I feel pretty comfortable with someone's negative and honest opinion about my work, and I enjoy their feedback. I know my arts worth, I am not illusioned nor do I devalue it either though. You could say my feelings about my art has solid identity.

edit - take a break from her and build up your stamina again... that sounds... 'owie'. I also find pitying another person's own problems/poor skills in communicating helps me feel confident. *hugs*

Growth. Its what our ego got shorted on.

[shakespeare47]

Thanks Kimaya. I haven't seen her in a while, but the next storytime is tomorrow, and I might see her then.

[Kimaya]

Its a sad world when storytime can turn ugly... :3 You are doing good, IMO.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

You're minding your own business, when someone you have only a casual relationship with, says something to you that is quite offensive.

Is it healthy to stay away from them and ignore them as much as possible in the future?

absolutely, i would!

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

It was in a public library... there is a child's storytime open to the public. The offender is the mother of another child. We're both regular attenders. It's difficult to describe what happened, except that she made some disparaging remarks about the way I run my business in an off-handed joking matter. And in the same conversation (or rather she made remarks while I listened) she also make some odd comments comparing her son to mine, in a way that left me feeling she thinks I'm too impressed with my child's abilities...

So, I'm left with the feeling I need to apologize for or defend the way I run my business, and in the way I take pride in my son. Neither of which are any of her damn business.

i would have asked her how her business is doing, seeing how she's the expert...oh..she probably doesn't have one!

[woundedsoul]

Hey Shakespeare, actually one of my boys still needs a little bit more speech therapy. He's going into 6th grade this coming year. I took him to a speech therapist once already but he wouldn't cooperate, so i told him until he was going to behave himself, he could just have a speech impediment. We have had a really hard time with his behavior the last couple of years, especially in school. He was bullied by a teacher at one school, and also by the students, which caused him to start throwing tantrums again like he was 4 years old. Even though he's no longer in that school, he's still throwing tantrums, and has horrendous behavior. He's been to numerous therapists, and been on a couple different meds, but still no change. My other child has tourette's syndrome with OCD, and ADHD. So, together with my issues, it's just a wonderful place to live. Wouldn't you think?

[Lefty_Mac]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

You're minding your own business, when someone you have only a casual relationship with, says something to you that is quite offensive.

Is it healthy to stay away from them and ignore them as much as possible in the future?

HELL F___N' YEAH.

I shouldn't even explain why; but life's to short to waste on mediocrity.

[shakespeare47]

Hey Woundedsoul... so sorry to hear about the troubles with your son. My son can embarrass me at times... he does have his flaws, too.

[Fuzzybear]

Avoiding and ignoring could lead to unresolved feelings (on your side) and continued ignorance and poor judgment on theirs (IMO)

On the other hand, life is too short (**** them..)

[shakespeare47]

^I'm at a loss as to how to communicate with her after her comments.
ifst5's comments make sense..

All you need to do is say; thank you, i'm proud of my business, or yes i'm proud of my son, he's worked very hard. Smile, go on your way and leave her to her anger.

but, I'm not sure if I can pull it off.

[Fuzzybear]

leaving her to her anger sounds like a good idea

Peace to you

[Kimaya]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

^I'm at a loss as to how to communicate with her after her comments.
ifst5's comments make sense.. but, I'm not sure if I can pull it off.

You can!

[shakespeare47]

Well, I chickened out and just avoided her. I'm still pretty pissed off at her. But, I feel like whatever I do say to her will only continue a relationship I don't want, because someone who would make comments like she did, is not someone I want to even communicate with. Maybe I'll just offer her a piece of gum next time I see her, and hope she chokes on it.

Why do I spend waste so much time thinking about people I don't even like?
Actually, I do know why. This reminds me of similar seemingly no-win situations I've been in before.
Option1. I don't do anything. She see's this as my agreeing with her. She continues to mock me, knowing that I won't do anything in return (it's happened before, with others).

Option 2. I respond by saying "I'm proud of my son and my business", she laughs at me and asks why I'm so defensive (it's happened before, with other people).

Option 3. I get even... and then feel guilty. she tells her friends and they harass me further (it's happened before, with other people).

How do I get into these situations with people, where I feel like I can't get away from reacting somehow?

I suppose there is at least one other option. I just ignore her... whatever she does, however she responds... and just keep living my life the best way I know how.. and leave her to whatever she chooses to do... knowing that the only power she has over me is the power I give her.

It's time to do some mindfulness exercises. All this is over 60 seconds or less of her talking...

[Lefty_Mac]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Well, I chickened out and just avoided her. I'm still pretty pissed off at her. But, I feel like whatever I do say to her will only continue a relationship I don't want, because someone who would make comments like she did, is not someone I want to even communicate with. Maybe I'll just offer her a piece of gum next time I see her, and hope she chokes on it.

Why do I spend waste so much time thinking about people I don't even like?
Actually, I do know why. This reminds me of similar seemingly no-win situations I've been in before.
Option1. I don't do anything. She see's this as my agreeing with her. She continues to mock me, knowing that I won't do anything in return (it's happened before, with others).

Option 2. I respond by saying "I'm proud of my son and my business", she laughs at me and asks why I'm so defensive (it's happened before, with other people).

Option 3. I get even... and then feel guilty. she tells her friends and they harass me further (it's happened before, with other people).

How do I get into these situations with people, where I feel like I can't get away from reacting somehow?

I suppose there is at least one other option. I just ignore her... whatever she does, however she responds... and just keep living my life the best way I know how.. and leave her to whatever she chooses to do... knowing that the only power she has over me is the power I give her.

It's time to do some mindfulness exercises. All this is over 60 seconds or less of her talking...

First of all, I'm APPALLED at the fact that she does this to you. Don't ignore her;. Do Options 2 & 3 AT THE SAME TIME and teach her a thing or two, then simply just not ignore her; LEAVE HER FOR GOOD. It's people like her (see my own post about my father) that keeps us from improving our lives - CONFRONT HER AND SAY EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK, AND WHERE YOU STAND - you'll regret, oh yes you will, but then you'll simply turn to be PROUD of what you've done -it its due time. Like I've said, LIFE'S TOO SHORT TO WASTE IN MEDIOCRITY; and I'll add: LET ALONE PEOPLE WHO WISH US BAD.

[Raindropvampire]

I took entirely too much crap when I was younger from family to ever accept it from other people now. If someone offends me I tell them. If I decide that I need to cut contact and avoid them I let them know that is what I am doing and exactly why I am cutting them out.

[nummy]

I'd hold me head up high, glare , then give her a cold shoulder. But I love the posting saying life's too short to be spent worrying about the opinions of mediocre people. Next time she offers her opinion, laugh it off, and tell her that. That'll teach her.

[Kimaya]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Why do I spend waste so much time thinking about people I don't even like?

It's time to do some mindfulness exercises. All this is over 60 seconds or less of her talking...

Hey, don't beat yourself up. It's what we do. I might have missed storytime... you went, and you should take that for what its worth. Give it some time and when you are ready *and* if you feel its worth it talk. She is obviously not worth it, only trying to cope is what is important. Whichever way we choose.

2+3 = exactly what you said, which is why I agree its not the right road. A bad situation will become worse and they will win everytime by feigning surprise. It always feels worse to me after I have lashed out with viciousness. Even though at the moment I am relishing the shock and the understanding that passes - yea, thats right, im actually meaner and more clever than you. Surprise!... but the after sucks.

My favorite tactic is still to kill them with kindness, even be oblivious that anything could possibly be wrong. Find something really nice to say about her somehow and leave her wondering.... Its not easy, but its satisfying if you can do it... they have no clue what hit them. On my best days I am a cheerleader to my enemies. With multiple interactions though if they are toxic, yea, increase of failure rate. :X

Problem is you will still spend a lot of time ruminating about it, even when you do well interacting. And its not easy with blatant attacks and on something so personal as your work and your child

You could always go crazy route and enlist a friend to ruin her day... er,ok, I better reel it in - my crazy is coming out.... its just, yea wtf storytime *****! She better not be saying that in front of your son.

*hugs*