Bpd?

I'm 43 years old, diagnosed with bipolar disorder 3 years ago. I'm sure that diagnoses is correct I experience the cycling of the hi's & lows of bipolar. My son was diagnosed with it 2 yrs before I was at age 7. So my diagnosis wasn't a complete shock. But after one of my posts about problems with my son someone mentioned that it sounded like bpd. Not knowing anything about it I decided to look it up. Now that's when the shock came. I have every single symptom. I took a test and scored way above severe. And I am so scared. I've screwed up my life over and over again. And now I feel like I'm destroying my family's as well. So many times I've thought of leaving them, they'd be better off without me I tell myself. My overwhelming love for them and knowing how hurt they would be if I left has stopped me, so far. But I'm terrified that one day it won't. Especially if I don't get some control over myself. I'm very good at taking care of others but I fail completely when it comes to taking care of myself. I'm very aware of my faults, for lack of a better word, but admitting them to anyone else terrifies me. I'm so afraid of losing my husband the only person in my life, besides my children, who I know loves me with all his heart. My heart breaks when I think of how he'd feel about me if he knew all my secrets. It breaks just knowing them about myself.
I've spent my whole life trying to be what I THOUGHT others expected me to be. If they liked blue I had to like blue, otherwise how could they possibly like me??
I was raised by a single mom, between her 5 husbands and countless boyfriends that is. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused throughout my childhood. Although my mom loved us she could never put our welfare before her own wants and needs. She has, I think, bpd as well.
So besides my childhood fitting the criteria, what makes me so certain I have bpd. Well let's see, where to start??
- when I recall my childhood it's like it was someone else's. I feel nothing. Also I can't remember details only glimpses of it.
- I can't stand the thought of anyone disliking me even if I don't like the person.
- I'm impulsive, acting on whatever emotion I'm experiencing at the time.
- I can't handle any form of criticism I feel like it's an attack and immediately get on the defensive.
- I disassociate myself from anything that can hurt me.
- I gamble money I don't have thinking I can win and help our financial situation.
- I spend money we don't have, never on myself (except gambling).
- my moods can change in an instant
- I have an obsessive need for people to understand me.
- I feel empty inside and have no idea who I am.
- I can't let things go
- I can go from loving someone to cutting them completely out of my life in an instant.
(I didn't speak to my sister for 5 yrs because of a perceived slight).
-

There's more but my post is already so long.
I'm so scared, I hate myself for the things I do and have done. But I can't seem to stop myself no matter how much I want to.

so buffieann
now that you have this insight, what are you going to do with it? are you in therapy? there is a very good treatment for bpd. it is called dbt. read up on it. I took it for my ptsd and it did great things for my uncontrollable emotions. dbt cant really be treated with drugs because it is a personality disorder. you have to be consciously aware of what you are doing and make efforts to change that behavior. but from your post, it seems that you are pretty insightful and you have gone against your impulsive behaviors to stay with your family so I think your prognosis would be pretty good with treatment. take care.

Well kaliope the one thing I do know about myself is that I'm a survivor! My family means everything to me and I know they need me. I have got to get control of this. My first step has got to be telling my husband the truth about my gambling problem. That's my biggest source of guilt. We are in a financial crisis and I keep thinking I can win enough to help us out. But every time I win big I just put it right back. Then I have to find a pdoc who I feel comfortable enough to be completely honest with. That's going to be tough. Thank you for reaching out to me. I've never been able to be this honest. I'm always to afraid of judgement to tell anyone about my problems.

It's ok to be scared, but it's also unlikely that you have it. There is a well known overlap between the criteria to score BPD and those for Bipolar, as the two conditions often have symptoms which look identical.

BPD is also not terrifying, but don't forget, we only need five of the nine symptoms to qualify for BPD, so there are actually 151 different presentations of the condition - none of us are alike!

If you are truly scared, ask your mental health professional to score you using one of the BPD scoring systems (don't do it yourself, the results are automatically invalid due to the nature of BPD thinking); and see.

If you've got it, you'll be treated. If not, nothing to worry about. But don't go around in circles wondering and wondering, it's not helpful, and it won't cure it.

Dear buffieann, your story is very touching, and I won't lie ... you have me in tears right now. My response is going to be long, because I have a lot to say to you. Let's address the various questions and issues one by one.

1 - Do you have BPD ?
From everything you have said, I am convinced that you have BPD, for several reasons - it very commonly stems from a bad childhood (esp abuse or bullying), and the emotional fluctuations and impulsivity you mentioned are characteristic of BPD. One more thing (very important) - many therapists and shrinks will REFUSE to diagnose you as BPD for insurance reasons (most private insurance companies don't even consider PDs as treatable). Also, note that us borderlines are unique in that our symptoms present themselves in GREAT VARIETIES, so it is hard to group a bunch of people as borderlines. Example - On the one hand, you could have a sex addict who has a different partner every night, while, on the other hand, you could have a total loner whose only love comes from his/her right hand. BTW, I self-diagnosed myself with BPD.

Bottom line: BPD is hard to diagnose, and therapists are hesitant to diagnose someone with it, but it definitely sounds like you have BPD.

2 - Bipolar and BPD comorbidity
It is widely known that Bipolar Disorder and BPD frequently occur together in a person. In fact, if you look at the symptoms, it is not all that hard to see the similarities - fluctuations in mood. Again, this is the case with me as well.

3 - Your family
I see this as a big positive for you. If you'll let me talk about myself for a minute, you'll see why I say this.

Two months ago, I was in the hospital (following an attempt ...). I did NOT HAVE ONE SINGLE PERSON TO CALL TO MY BEDSIDE. To this day, I don't have anyone to call on a Friday evening. I've lived my whole life alone and will meet my maker alone.

Just from my shoes, I think you're blessed to have a husband who loves you, and your son. Not only are they people you love and people who love you, but also your support system. Now, nons generally have a hard time understanding mental illness, and there is a societal stigma and/or ignorance about mental illness, so take time and ease your husband into understanding your condition, if you feel like you want to get it off your chest. You know him better than I do, but I just know in my heart that HE WILL SUPPORT YOU FULLY. But, again, ease him into it. Don't overwhelm him with info, and try not to be too dramatic when you tell him this.

Bottom line: You're lucky to have a loving (and supportive) family. I think you should tell your husband, and that he will understand. Just be careful how you do that, because of general stigma and/or ignorance.

4 - Treatment and taking care of yourself
Do you see a therapist currently ? If so, tell him/her that you suspect BPD, and see what he/she thinks. Do more research about BPD, and if you're convinced that this is your condition, there is unequivocally undoubtedly one proven treatment option out there - DBT. I can't vouch for it personally (I'm just about to start), but it is THE treatment for borderlines, and focuses on accepting who you are and mindfulness.

You mentioned a lack of self-esteem, and I think DBT would be great for that as well, because of the acceptance component of the program. We feel bad thoughts (about ourselves and our lives), but we can learn to accept them as facts and move on, without dwelling on them.

I unequivocally recommend exercise to you (I'm a fitness junkie, so I'm biased), because it can do absolute wonders for your mind, apart from the obvious physiological benefits.

A good diet can do wonders as well. Again, this comes from the fitness trainer in me.

Bottom line: DBT + exercise + eating well

5 - Not being able to recall your childhood
Stating the obvious, you're suppressing terrible memories, a well-known defense mechanism. EMDR is a good therapy that can help you confront those terrible incidents from your childhood, and come to terms with them, and move on past them.

Often, I find that a huge percentage of people's problems have to do with not letting go of the past. If you can manage that, it can help a lot, I think. Again, this holds true for me as well.

Of course, given your BPD, I think the DBT (or whatever you choose) is a higher priority for you right now than EMDR, which is specifically for dealing with past traumas.
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I sincerely hope this helps you buffieann. Feel free to PM me if you wanna talk more. Best wishes to you

lilodian4ever, you have helped me more than you know. You and others from this sight kept me from running last night. My mind was set and I was almost out the door. Then I came on here. Now this morning I'm a little shaky but still holding it together. You're right about my husband he loves me so much and I have talked to him a little, when I read him the symptoms he agreed that they fit me. But I haven't told him everything I have this paralyzingly fear that I have to try to get past first. Then after I have to get past the overwhelming guilt. I feel like I've failed everyone I love. Thank you again for reaching out. Hugs