[allme]

Hi everyone

Not sure what is going on right now...or maybe I am, I don't know. But anyway, my brother came to stay with me for a month cause he left his fiancé so needed somewhere to stay till he found his own place. He is the most manipulative, soul draining, emotional vacuum I have ever known. He has gone now but I am left feeling this awful panic and glumness. He messages me every day telling me about a new big drama in his life and I just can't take it anymore. He has triggered me into a tornado of emotion and rage. Yesterday I told him I didn't feel well but it didn't stop him. I have already told him he drains me but it doesn't stop him. If I don't help him, I feel a terrible huge amount of guilt.

We grew up with a mother with severe mental health issues. I wont go into details but we learned if we pleased her, she would be happy...and we felt as though it was our responsibility to make her better again. I feel the same responsibility towards my brother I don't know how to explain this, but my brother is VERY ill equipped to manage his life, he is totally out of this world....just like my mum. He lives in a bed sit and isn't washing his clothes or anything. He opted for drugs rather than a bath towel to take a shower. Somehow he is managing to keep his cleaning job but I don't know how long for as he is back on drugs again.

And another thing, while he stayed with me, he introduced me to a new drug which I am still taking. I know it is not his fault but he knows I am an addict myself and still he gave me some.

I am in such a mess....I don't know where to turn or if this is me back in the pits for some time.

Just needed to air that...thanks for reading

That is quite a dilemma. But, I think your priority, given the situation, is to protect yourself first. If your brother is getting you back into drugs, I think you need to stay away from him.

I know you feel it's your duty to support him, but not at the expense of your own health and well being. He is an adult, and needs to take responsibility for himself.

Maybe you could help him make arrangements to stay elsewhere ? Friends, family, etc ? Not with you if he's going to tempt you with drugs.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Yeah I agree that if he introduced you to a new drug, you got to keep him away from your life. I'm sorry that he did that, he can't possibly know all the damage he causes. Thinking of you.

[Frankbtl]

Hi allme, I've got to agree with the others, you really need to put yourself first. You really have to draw the line somewhere and the longer you allow him to have this effect/drag you in the harder it's going to be for you to draw that line and to take care of yourself. The more he's going to be taking from you.
And as for the guilt..........well you have already tried to be there for him, but there has to be a point where he starts to take some responsibility for himself. Now obviously that might not be easy for him, and without your support/being there for him he might even get worse but maybe that could eventually lead him to standing more on his own/getting help. You've heard of the "tough love" approach, right?
And he doesn't really seem to be using your help right now in putting things more together for himself anyway. But taking a step back from him doesn't need to mean you're "abandoning" him. Not responding to messages (trying to ignore them) doesn't mean you're going to do that with every single message that comes through, saying you haven't got time for/can't do........and he needs to talk to/find someone else doesn't mean that you're never going to give him some time/do something for him, telling him he can't stay with you again if he asks doesn't mean you can't still catch up with him.
And let's face it, you're not asking for too much from him are you e.g. giving you some space, respecting your feelings, caring just a little when you have problems, trying to help himself.........??!! Afterall he is your brother!!!
And, from a distance, you can still be throwing information at him about other support he can get e.g. with his addiction. And if there's a time you have real concerns about his mental health/addiction and think he's putting himself at real risk, he's not going to thank you for it, but in his best interests you probably should be letting someone e.g. Social Services know anyway, right? There is only so much you can do.
So, time to think about you a bit more, yes?
Time to try to kick the new drug? Time you had some support, hey?
And here for you..............
Alison

[allme]

Thanks guys!

I know what you are all saying is right...but I don't think I can show him tough love until I really grasp the truth of it all.

You see, I have a deep deep urge to look after him, to make him happy and to answer to every whim...this is a pattern that appears with anyone I love or even just close to. This behaviour, this wanting to make him and others happy is all from my relationship with my mother as a child. I learned (wrongly) that if I was good, funny and pleased my mum, she would love me and not be so depressed. I learned this from a very young age and although I know why I do it, it is still at my core as a belief. For now, I think it even unhealthier to not carry on what I am doing. I have tried and it just leaves me with feelings, that somehow, I am abandoned and intense feelings of anxiety. First, I need to be in therapy to explore these feelings in a safe a loving environment. Once I am in that environment, I will take steps to step back a bit.

The sick thing is, my brothers KNOWS I am always there for him even at the cost of my own mental health and he takes full advantage of it. Even knowing this, even knowing its not healthy for either of us, I still take away a feeling of satisfaction...that need to please and make him happy again is satisfied and leave me feeling wanted, loved and needed.

Wow sorry...just been thinking about it a lot lately. Especially today as he has been messaging me how anxious and depressed he is. I spent 2 hours txting back and forth until I broke down in tears ..the result didn't end in him feeling happy...as I mentioned before, all I felt was anxiety and fear of abandonment.

At least I am aware of all this...to know is the first step to recovery! Hopefully therapy will help me actually believe I don't have to make everyone happy and to express my feelings in a healthy way!

If you read all that, thank you so much!

[allme]

I feel like I know all the right things to say and do but I just can't put any of it into action! Sometimes I wonder why I was even born. To be given life but then to waste it on all the nonsense I have wasted it on...to waste it feeling bad and basically a strain on the worlds resources and a burden to society. That's the truth of it all really...sorry just need to vent

Originally Posted by allme

I feel like I know all the right things to say and do but I just can't put any of it into action! Sometimes I wonder why I was even born. To be given life but then to waste it on all the nonsense I have wasted it on...to waste it feeling bad and basically a strain on the worlds resources and a burden to society. That's the truth of it all really...sorry just need to vent

Be mad at your parents for giving birth to you, not at yourself for being born I'm mad at my parents for that reason.

[allme]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Be mad at your parents for giving birth to you, not at yourself for being born I'm mad at my parents for that reason.

I am already mad at them and it gets me nowhere...the thing I want most is to forgive them...then I can move on partly