Explaining everything under the sun

Is it just me, or do people with BPD generally feel the need to explain EVERYTHING? Why they do certain things and justifying their responses to situations? Or, like me, do you second-guess yourself to the moon and back? Ugh. I didn't used to second-guess myself all the time; that came after a physically and emotionally abusive long-term relationship. But I have always, for as long as I can remember, felt compelled to explain everything. Who else can relate?

Me, dear. I can relate. I used to do this much more than I do now. Getting older and wiser than I used to be caused the change

And abusive relationships can certainly make us question ourselves. Our self-esteem gets flushed down the toilet when someone treats us like that, so it is only natural to second guess everything when in that state.

This is only my opinion. In a nutshell, I think we feel the need to explain everything because we value others' opinions (i.e. approval) of us, and we feel the need to fit in or be "normal" to some extent.

I think the more someone's identity has formed, the more sure someone is of him/herself, the less this is going to be a problem. May I ask which decade of your life you're in ? That in itself can be a factor. In your late teens and early or even late 20s, most people's long-term identities are still forming.

My experience, over time, has been that I have learned what I have to offer the world, that I am intelligent, I can analyze things very well, and I have a better sense of how I compare to others, and so, it is less of a problem these days. I may come off as being weird or eccentric, but I'm harming no one. If anything, I entertain others with my "weirdness", so I don't have to second guess my behavior or my statements all the time.

Probably the only time you'll see me completely dumbfounded in life is in the astronomically unlikely event of some woman showing interest in me. I'm gonna be clueless then, but in most other situations, by now, I've learned to trust myself.

Hope this helps

I will be 31 next month. So.... young enough to have fun, but old enough to know better

I just replied to your Sciatica post I turned 31 last week

Yup, that's a good way of looking at it ! We're all getting wiser over time ... we have to be.

Oh yes, I can relate.

I completely understand this need to explain everything... Perhaps I am thinking of it differently than you - but here's what comes to mind upon reading what you have written:

My parents and siblings avoid arguments with me because they say I go round and round nonstop. It has, in the past - got to the point where I try to explain what I feel and try to decipher why it is that we have so many issues in the relationship - then they either run away - or I am so furious that I have to run away for my own sanity... When they run away before I get to explain myself - I am struck with abandonment in combination with unsettling feelings of unresolved conflict. This is recipe for disaster - for me. I cannot stand having to be around people when there are things between us that aren't jiving. I have felt the need to speak my mind - the older I get - and perhaps it is the wrong way to approach conflict.

When someone doesn't want to listen - typically I will chase them down and further escalate the argument for the sake of, "conflict resolution..." When really - what I am after is something that I will never get - the absolute guarantee that they will not abandon me...

I think for me, and please let me know if you relate; I feel the need to explain everything - in order to convince myself that everything is out on the table - and there is no other possible reason why they would abandon me... Essentially - my trying to explain myself and, "get to the bottom of the issues in my relationships," is a hallmark of my strong desire for a guaranteed security in the relationship...

Anyone else relate?

Thanks,
HD

This.

I didn't actually realize this about myself until I read your post but having read it I can see it with clarity.

Thank you, HD7970GHZ.