[allme]

Hi

As a child, my brother and I were emotionally neglected. My mum had severe anxiety and depression and my dad's time was taken caring for my mum, which had a server impact on both of us.

I have felt very angry and bitter for years and have never told either of them.

Today I spoke to my dad. I was telling him how far I have come and spoke a bit about BPD. We then spoke about my brother and how he has BPD too. My dad said 'I just don't understand why you are both struggling like this, you were always such happy kids' ...he then asked 'you was happy as a kid wasn't you?'.....well at this I burst out crying and told him exactly how I felt about my mum's behaviour and how it had impacted me so much.

His first response was 'I didn't do anything wrong did I?' ....I was upset that this is what his first question was considering the gravity of what I had just told him. At this point I wish I could of told him I didn't feel he was there enough for me but I couldn't....I just couldn't. I think what I said was enough for him for now to be able to take in.

I went on to tell him different scenarios in which my mum had failed me..one of them being never taking me to get my first bra...his response was 'well she is funny about underwear, she wont even buy them for herself'.

I then told him about all the times I remember her being mean to him and all the depression and anxiety she had and told him how it made me feel. I told him everything.

He didn't apologise once. He just said he didn't think at the time how me and my brother would be affected.

He felt so bad that in the end I was comforting him...which I am now mad at...really I needed comforting but again my needs came last.

He is baffled by what I told him, there was no apology and he made me promise never to tell my mum. He also kept seeking reassurance that he did nothing wrong.

Although I feel good for finally letting him know, I am left feeling upset and invalidated. I imagined this day going so much better.

I have decided to leave it at that. Without tearing my family apart, I am never going to get what I so crave for.

It wasn't their fault, they did the best with the hand they were dealt and although it they managed it in an awful way, I don't really blame them anymore.

[kaliope]

I remember getting myself therapy when I was 18. my parents found out and set me down to talk to me about it....the talk didn't consist of much..."its nothing we did, is it?" I finally got it all out in a 10 page letter to my dad when I was 44. about all the abuse and I basically disowned him. he got a response to me a couple years later invalidating everything I said, making up excuses for everything. he just didn't get it. he too didn't want me to take it out on my mother. after her death last year, we broke the ice. he apologized to me for any hurt he caused in my life. I know he is a different person now. but I haven't been able to forgive him. I am too damaged.

[technigal]

Just before my dad died he apologized for not being the parent I needed. He did not address the abuse or anything else, just that he wasn't the parent I needed. He has been gone for 7.5 years and I still feel angry at him for not apologizing for the living h3ll I grew up in. I have thought about writing him a letter expressing all my hurt and anger.

I am sorry that things did not go as you planned.

[howtosaygoodbye]

Trying to explain how you feel to your parent about the past is frustrating! Sometimes you can just write the letter and then burn it or push delete. If the family is so messed up (like mine was) they just don't have the capability to understand let alone validate. I think its setting yourself up for disappointment to expect so much out of someone who never had it to begin with.
One thing I've learned in DBT is radical acceptance. Like for my mom, I have to learn to accept that she is never going to change. The only part that can change is how my emotions control me when I am interacting with her or thinking about the past.

[Fuzzybear]

[Phreak]

Sorry it didn't go better honey. It's never easy.

My father told me that he only hit me when I was growing up "when I deserved it" so y'know... sucks to be us

If it helps, I'd have taken you bra shopping - although apparently they're not meant as ear muffs :|

You're a special person, remember that. You're a great friend