[Mika77]

Hello everyone.

I've been diagnosed with BP1 and BPD as I've said before in my previous posts. I post about once a week, because I am constantly getting bombarded by problems I'm having, especially concerning my disorders. I'm in the middle of transitioning to a new medication, and I feel very sad a lot of the time, probably because I'm slowly getting off a medication that made me feel a little better, though it had some nasty side effects. Basically, I've been reading through my old diaries from the past year or so, and I'm seeing this pattern of being too attached to the boys who enter my life... unfortunately every "relationship" I've had has only been fleeting, mostly because the guys just start acting mean or ignoring me for no reason. I really haven't done anything to deserve half of the things they've done to me, or at least that's what my roommates say. I'm convinced, however, that I'm over-bearing or annoying, which makes them want to run the other way. In addition to that, I'm just very critical of myself, and I've seen all of these relationships as my fault because they turned out bad. I'm currently in limbo with a guy I really like who said from the get-go that he didn't want a serious relationship. I agreed, because I too am dealing with too much to be committed, but then he just stopped talking to me and hanging out with me. It's hard to not text him, and I find myself wanting to say things to him, but I know I shouldn't. Is there any advice about doing something to move on? I also noticed that, with some other guys, I reacted to their actions with anger. I'll get upset at their unjust actions and I tell them to go f themselves and say I don't ever want to talk to them again. It's hard to really be okay with what happens, and to let go. Has anyone else felt this way/have some advice to make me feel better? I'm going to see a therapist regularly, but I haven't gone long enough to resolve these problems... please help

[Crazy Hitch]

I had very turmulous relationships with males (until I met my husband).

I bounced around from one to the next during uni and was either dumped or dumped them because I couldn't maintain relationships for very long back them.

Being dumped by a guy felt 10x worse, I couldn't handle the rejection and it put me through some depressive episodes. Looking back they were pretty much jerks but I couldn't see that at the time. I think we all feel the need for belonging and acceptance and I guess that's what I was seeking, but in a very unhealthy way.

It's normal to feel for the guy who has suddenly just cut contacting you. As tempting as it is to want to text him or make some sort of contact - I'd advise at this stage you don't. He's probably only going to tell you what you don't need to hear because he made his viewpoint clear at the beginning of the friendship. I'm not saying what he's done is right. Think of it another way. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe he doesn't want to give you a window of opportunity to have feelings for him if he's not looking for commitment. It's not you. It's him.

We have very rigid ways of thinking in relationships and unfortunately yes we do sometimes react with anger against those who we perceive as having done something wrong. At least you've acknowledged that because the first step in changing something is to realise what exists. I'm not saying their actions are justified because in your eyes YOUVE termed it unjust.

You need to learn to forgive yourself and educate yourself as much as possible on both your diagnoses in order to start figuring out which pieces of your behavior fit the right jigsaw puzzle. Start by contemplating what's happening in your external environment and how you are reacting to it. Is there another way besides the go f*** yourself attitude towards those who have wronged us (in our opinion). Could you simply walk away when you feel like your anger is raging like a bull? Go find somewhere quiete to focus on your breathing and write it all down. You don't have to show anyone. Is there a friend you can contact during these times that understands what you're going through that you could contact to vent in emergency situations? Can you set one positive thing that you will do for yourself that day when you're feeling enraged? Eat an ice cream? (Ok don't do that one if you're feeling the rage every day . Take a nice warm bath? Light some scented candles? What brings you joy?

Be well.