How have you dealt with REAL abandonment?

Once again, I'm SORRY for all of these post about my family memeber. I feel like a nuisance......

I ended it with my cousin yesterday. It was like the 8th day she didn't talk to me or reply to any of my texts & she kept ignoring all of my calls. I was going to give her to friday to say SOMETHING but it was driving me nuts. I texted her a few goodbye texts through all the numbers I used to contact her with informing her that I'm deleting all of the numbers & apps & changing my Apple ID on my ipad, telling her I'll miss her, she's still a mommy to me, I still want to be close friends. I told her to take care of herself & take her blood pressure medicine, & to tell her daughter happy birthday.

I also explained that I was going to give her till Friday but I was really torturing myself with the constant anticipation for her to respond or answer the phone.

It's so hard. I feel like going on Google voice & making a new number to call her from that. I feel like begging my mom to let me call her from the house phone so I can say happy thanksgiving.... I miss my best friend..... How do I deal with this?

All break ups are hard. I would suggest you write down a list of all the reasons that lead you to taking this action and then place it somewhere prominent. You need a continual reminder of why this relationship is absolutely no good for you.

Personally I think you've done the right thing. There are some people we just can't have relationships with. They aggravate our symptoms and turn us into a complete mess - and let's face it, no one's really worth us doing that to ourselves.

What does your immediate family think of such a close bond with a much older, more distant relative? This may be a cultural thing but I've not known anybody to form this sort of a bond with a much older cousin. I'm guessing that the fact you refer to her as a mother implies a more complicated relationship with your actual mother? I think you do still require professional input - you're so enmeshed in the affairs of your family that its important other aspects of your life don't suffer as a result. Am I right in thinking you're only 16? Right now your primary concerns should be your schooling, your friends and future. It's not fair to you to have so difficult a problem weighing down on your shoulders. If you can't access appropriate help at least try and seek out a school or community counsellor. If you go to church they also offer some form of family counselling I believe.

It's ok that you want to keep talking about this issue - we'll try our very best to help you. But like having a broken arm - for it to be set you have to go to a doctor. In the same way that we can't substitute professional help, you need somewhere else for that. So long as your mindful of your expectations here that's all you can do. I hope I was vaguely helpful. I still wish you the best.

Letting go of what was/might have been if only...etc. is a process, sometimes a long, painful one, good advice from ifst5.

Well, I guess some people think that I should be trying to make friends my own age. I never gave a crap about her age. If she was 80, it'd be the same. Her daughter kept saying I was weird but didn't care much. My aunt said I was acting like she was my "lover". That almost made me regurgitate. I feel AWFUL that it comes off that way. I don't know.... I put her on too high of a pedestal when I first met her. I admired her & got carried away. I felt like I belonged somewhere & I was accepted. I've never connected with people too well & have never really felt accepted.

I don't have a complicated relationship with my real mom. That's another problem! My mom loves me more than anything & she gives me a lot of affection & I know she won't leave me. I've always been confused as to why I crave more motherliness & nurturing. I don't know why I feel like I need my cousin so much. I used to think about how great it would be if they were the same person, then I'd have both their qualities that make me feel better. Thank god my mom reassured me that she felt no jealousy.

School is a primary concern even though if I wasn't homeschooling & I was in public school, I'd probably be failing. I can't focus for more than 10 minutes. And I haven't had any other friends. I just sort of reunited with one yesterday just as I was in the process of delete those numbers... I feel a bit better having her to talk to.

I must say, from the get go on your posts about your cousin, this has been so hard on you emotionally.

You're really battling at the moment.

There's the possibility that you "let her go" to see if she would come back.

The problem is, she hasn't.

So now this has made it worse.

Take it easy and be kind to yourself.

A temporary separation- in the short term - may serve you some good as you process your feelings.

I'm sorry that it's turned out this way.

Take care.

I did something really dumb. I held on to my apple id I use for my iPad. I signed back in and started texting her again. She sent a happy thanksgiving picture. Immediately, I ask her what happened the past 10 days & if I made her angry & what exactly she's angry about. All she said was "give thanks" & that's it!

I texted her telling her I need some sort of closure. I said "If you don't want to talk to me then please tell me. If you do want to talk to me but need a break then tell me that". I called her cell & her house several times. She won't answer. I begged her to tell me something so I can close the door without feeling the urge to go back. I asked her if she's trying to teach me a lesson. She never answered! If I change my Apple ID, I will wonder & think too much for who knows how long. It will be torture. If she tells me she doesn't want to talk, I don't want to bother begging for her to still be my friend. I'm sick of this too. Especially after ignoring me for 10 FREAKING DAYS.

Last time I texted her, I got angry & told her she must get some sick satisfaction out of seeing me act pathetic & desperate.

I promised her I wouldn't bombard her with texts if she decides she wants nothing much to do with me. I hardly ever make promises so I thought it would help her feel secure.

She still hasn't said anything. I almost feel abused, like she's playing mind games or playing with my emotions. She does this a lot but this is the worst. It will be torture if I let go completely & it will be torture if I keep my id, hoping she'll tell me where I stand.

I don't know why she's doing this. It's confusing.

I think you've hit on something in your first statement there. And yes, you are being abused. It's not like she's doing this because she's struggling to know how to deal with you at the moment and feels its best to create some space - you say she does this a lot. Therefore her motives are more suspect.

I think you know in your heart of hearts that it's best to let her go. You just have no idea of the most effective way to do this. This person means a lot to you for a lot of different reasons and you're scared about the vacuum they're going to leave in your life once they're gone.

Please seek professional input, even with the best of intentions/advice it sounds increasingly unlikely that you can do this all by yourself. Can you rely more on your immediate family right now to help you through? Perhaps sit down with your mum and explain that despite any personal issues you may or may not have with each other, you're really struggling to come to terms with this problem. What does your mum think of her behaviour? I know i'd be having words with this woman if she was behaving in such a way towards my daughter...

Its coming up to the holiday season...people are winding down and focusing more on each other. So try and devote your attention towards this instead - you have other family members who love you i'm sure and would hate to see you suffer like this. Now is the time for distraction and preoccupation - lessening any kind of dependency takes a lot of willpower but it also requires the sort of engrossing activities that other people come to depend on through out the difficult times in their lives. Partake in craft projects with your mum, go out with your friend, wrap up gifts with each other, maybe do a charity drive. Once you become more familiar with the fact that a better life exists outside of this relationship, you'll come to desire it less.

Maybe this is purely a self esteem issue and your cousin represents everything you want and need but haven't yet acquired through age and experience. Maybe make some positive affirmation posters and stick them around your bedroom - ones that tell you you ARE worthy, that people love you and that you have so much more to come. Continue with that list about all the things your cousin has done and why they're no good and perhaps put it in a box with other distraction tools/toys - tangles for anxiety, puzzle books, stress balls etc etc.

Implementing small steps is probably the best way to start building up defenses and bridging the gap until you can seek professional help.

You had a slip up but you can continue as you mean to go on. We believe in you and will be here to listen further. Good luck.

Thanks for the advice. I will focus on my immediate family & my one friend. When I've gotten anxious & over emotional over my cousin, I usually try my best to think about all of the GOOD things she's done & said to me. Now whenever i miss her, I will remind myself of all of the BAD things she's done & said to me. I won't dwell on them too much because it could worsen my nonexistent self esteem but I will remind myself so I'll miss her less & crave a stable friendship with her less. I will do what you said about the posters & puzzles etc.

I don't know how I'll ever get over the guilt. Even though it's been confirmed that she has not been the only who was abused, I still can't help but think it's still 100% my fault. I mean, if I wasn't like this, we probably would have never had problems. I don't have to be this sensitive! It's so hard. I've been so mean to her. Idk if you've seen my posts about the AWFUL things I've said to her. I shouldn't allow her to provoke me. She's VERY insensitive but I need self control. I also should have some sort of "pause button". When I feel like I hate her, I tell her. She said she starts to think it's true. She thinks I'm confusing. She says when she thinks all is well, I turn a different color. I wear her out. I put people on a roller coaster because of my crazy emotions. I was terrible to this woman.... I feel like once a verbal abuser, always a verbal abuser. Some people have said that since she's more than twice my age, she should know better but still....

Wow. I just found out that for 10 days, she didn't even read ANY of the texts I sent her. She read NONE of them! She said she swiped delete on them whenever they popped up! She didn't even bother to see what I had to say! She thought they were all the same redundant things. She could have at least said she needed a break. I can't belive this! All of that pouring my heart out & she didn't even read what I said!

It's so hard. I'm shaking & crying like crazy. It's taking me three times as long to type this. I feel like I'm on the verge of something awful. Like I'm dying. She didn't care about what I had to say! She could have read SOME of them!

She said I'm important to her but I feel like she doesn't treat me that way! I asked her on a scale of 1 to 10? She said 10. It's confusing. I feel like I've got shackles around my ankles. I know I have to let go. I just can't. I crave close relationships badly but can't have any. I can't stand loneliness. I just can't.

It's like the emotional version of being crippled!

This is so pathetic! I just want to be a normal teenager with normal friends & a normal personality. I need a personality transplant.

You know, you have been treating her like a therapist. Not a friend, not a cousin, not a mother. Can you see a therapist?

No I cannot see a therapist. I am with my mother now. She doesn't belive in therapy. My dad will let me see a therapist so I have to wait until I move back with him in a couple months.

Yes I do treat her like a friend, cousin & a mother. She has treated me the same, like a friend, a cousin & a daughter. I treat her like that most of the time. Yes I get angry & ugly with her sometimes. Yes I have treated her like a therapist but she's also talked to me like she was a therapist or a doctor or something, asking me questions, trying to figure out the root to my problems.

I would have appreciated if you asked before assuming. There's a whole lot more to the relationship than the things I've posted. I posted those things because that's the most difficult thing I am dealing with right now.

I can see now that i stated that completely awkwardly. I can hardly figure out what i even meant. Are you in contact with your dad while you are living at your mom's, or is it like you have 2 separate lives according to each of their rules? Do they live near each other so you could see the same therapist, or are they far away from each other? I think you are doing an excellent job of identifying and facing your feelings similarly to a therapy client; the problem is i think, you could use a qualified therapist to hear you and help you process these things. Your mother "not believing" in therapy is ridiculous, imo - my mother doesnt either, but my brother is a therapist and i have been in therapy for 40 years, so what exactly does her not believing accomplish?? You are advanced beyond your years - i suppose you have had to grow up quickly because the parents would not adapt to this culture, or something.

It's okay. It's just that past few days I've been feeling even more painfully sensitive & real defensive.

I don't really different lives per se but my dad has definitely seen me express my unbearable emotions more than my mom has. I can't see a therapist living with both of them because my mom lives in New York & my dad lives in the deep south.

She doesn't believe in therapy because she feels like no one ever gets that much help from it. She thinks God is the answer to everything. Yes I believe in God & Jesus but I need more than that! God works through therapists & doctors! & yes they do help a lot of people tremendously! I need support from actual human beings who live on the earth, no disrespect to God.