[HD7970GHZ]

Hey everyone,

I have never tried a social networking app before. I decided to try it - and I was matched with a girl who happens to have VERY similar tastes in specific things in life, specific creative themes, etc.

After a couple hours messaging - she gave me her number. I was reluctant to send any messages - because I could already sense my BPD anxiety rising. I told myself that I would continue messaging her - but try my best to remain aware of my BPD.

Anyways, now we want to hang out. She wants me to go out with her and do some photography. I wouldn't call it a date - more of an excuse to go out and do something fun with someone else who likes doing the same thing...

I think I may actually like this girl - and I don't want to scare her away. I want to maintain boundaries and be able to function around her and without her. I want to be stable enough to handle this without falling down hard again - and realize the importance of loving myself without getting lost in it all.

I have a feeling this could become very intense.

- Is there any chance you guys and gals could help me remain aware of my BPD?
- Is there anything in particular I should think about before going into this further?
- Any tips or dating ideas?
- Any advice for a fellow borderline entering into a relationship. Anything at all - please share!

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi HD

I will give some of my thoughts on some of the questions you have posed. Here goes .....

- Is there any chance you guys and gals could help me remain aware of my BPD?

Remember we are emotionally vulnerable. Be aware of what your symptoms are when you're start to feel vulnerable. I think you're erring on the side of caution by what you've said in your post. You're aware that this may have challenges but it's certainly not to say this won't work. If you enter into a relationship- don't come across as being needy because of your bpd. Don't let her feel like it's all or nothing or that there are ultimates in this relationship. Allow her her own space and independence. Let her come to you rather than come across as demanding to see her. And if you're upset - stay away from texting her - especially repeated texts - she won't understand where you're coming from and may get confused.

- Is there anything in particular I should think about before going into this further?

Yes. Prepare yourself beforehand that there is a possibility that this may not work. You don't really know that much about her. You may find that you're not really compatible. I say this merely as caution because I'd hate to see you in a position where this doesn't work and you go spiraling out of control thinking you've been abandoned or rejected. This wouldn't be the case.

- Any tips or dating ideas?

Ask this question again when you've discovered what kind of relationship you're entering in to. She may not be ready for dating, just yet. You wouldn't want to move too quickly on this one until you know how she feels. You wouldn't want to come across too strongly too quickly.

- Any advice for a fellow borderline entering into a relationship. Anything at all - please share!

Relationships take hard work. From both parties. You'll have good times. Youll have challenging times. But if it's meant to be it will be.

I guess my point is, tread easily and walk slowly. Don't go nose diving straight into this. Take it easy and let her see the fantastic side to you that I know you have. You're a likable person and you share some common interests which is a great thing. Be honest with her without being tooooooooo honest - as in don't burden her with your past issues, initially in the relationship. That's not her burden to share. Doesn't mean you can't open up at a later stage. It just means let her get to know you first. Relationships certainly can work for people with bpd. But keep tabs on this forum as to how you are going so we can support you emotionally. You could find there's a wonderful first connection- especially because you have so much common ground. Share your interests and passions together.

Wishing you all the best at each stage of this journey. This can be quite exciting!

[cryingontheinside]

Thats geat good luck. I dont think i can give good relationship advice though.

[allme]

Hi

I agree with Hooligan...best to take things slowly. Try to have fun and although it's a good idea to stay aware of your emotions, you also need to relax as much as you can and let that lovely side come through. Just take it for what it is right now, and that's 2 ppl just hanging out having fun, no need to go into the bpd stuff right now. I guess you will just need to find a balance of staying aware and also letting go a bit enough for you to shine through.

I am excited for you, that initial rush when you're first getting to know someone is a wonderful feeling, and I hope you're able to enjoy it!

Just have fun and let us know how it goes

[ifst5]

Just try and remain aware of what this situation really involves - the two of you haven't really decided upon anything and the main focus of your meeting is to have fun. If you feel your anxiety rising focus on preparation - make sure you're ready in time, get there in time, and have everything you need to duck out early if you want too. I think the best advice to anyone entering into new partnerships is to be strict about the amount of time you're spending with them both physically and mentally. It might turn out that you're not as interested in her as you thought you were - or she might decide that she doesn't wish to take things further. You both might decide you're better of as friends. It's best to try and safeguard yourself against such possibilities.

Have something interesting to come home too - a project, some housework, something distracting but nothing overly stimulating/boring. That way you won't be tempted to send her any texts - if you feel you might be set off after sending her a thank you one after getting together, mention at the end of the meeting that you'll be quite busy when you get back, so please excuse any lateness in further texting/replies.

That will also give her the chance to cool off and not text you any more quickly than you can handle. If you feel you're not ready to take things further after your first meeting, keep any other 'dates' well spaced apart and activity-neutral i.e. public places. The issue with borderlines is that we attach ourselves too quickly to people we don't really know, so make this experience a learning curve whereby you're interested in getting to know who they are without worrying what the implications may be.

If things don't work out, they may turn out to be a very good friend. I think often these days people expect a partner to be just that as well as a best friend - when personally i think the two were already separate for a reason. Both can give a lot - if not more - individually. If played the right way, this experience is something you may not really lose out on, even if they become only a friend - that's still something highly valued in today's world. It's rare that people meet and maintain friendships with people who are a lot like them.

I've nothing more to add really, you've already been given a lot of great advice. To sum up, i would say enjoy getting to know her and remember that you have a life outside of her that you're also entitled to enjoy. Don't focus so much on whether she's appropriate girl friend material. Because even if she isn't, that doesn't have to be it for the two of you. Best of luck - and congrats on meeting her.

[HD7970GHZ]

Wow. You all rock! There's amazing advice on this thread. Thank you so much!

I already noticed that I am unable to be present by myself or around my family. I am glued to my phone. I feel urges to text her. When she doesnt reply as fast as I do - I get anxious. I didnt realize it but I had texted for over 8 hours yesterday - and I didnt do anything else. I cannot believe how absorbed I got. This is bad for me. I've been here before. For some reason I feel like I should persist with this girl and utilize my DBT to buffer my emotions and test new skills. I will do my best to remember I have a life outside of hers. This definitely was an issue yesterday. I lost myself in a cloud for sure - and I can still feel it lingering.

Will this always be a tightrope?

I feel tempted to shut my phone off - what do you all think of that? I feel the need to avoid right now so I can concentrate on my own existence. I have a very important creative project I must complete by the end of the month - and this had already lost me a day.

Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

[Crazy Hitch]

It's good you're keeping the communication flowing with us.

You've recognised that you got a bit lost yesterday. Good. I'm glad you're aware of it.

You don't need to avoid completely. You just need to balance firmly on the tight rope.

Try this.

Don't text her today.

Wait and see if she texts you.

She may be busy so she may not text you at all.

If she does text, send her ONE reply.

Just one.

Okay?

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey Hooligan,

Thank you! I have already texted back and forth a lot with her. Its been a mutual exchange of texts though. She sends as much as I do.

She sent me a few messages about 15 minutes ago. I won't reply until I go to bed. I will try your technique.

Thank you,
Hd7970ghz

[Crazy Hitch]

She probably thinks the texting thing is cool for now.

Just don't do it if you're in a bad place where you bombard her with 500 texts

[ifst5]

Do you think messaging her with your intentions might also be useful? If you say; 'im signing off now as i need to go to bed' that will be an indication to her not to text you anymore. The same goes if you're doing a project or going out for lunch etc. I think it would be wise to involve her like this as it will remove the incentive for her to text you and therefore remove your guilt/anxiety in responding.

Are you out of the house during office hours? Could you maybe make something up if you aren't? Perhaps that would be another good way of initiating clear boundaries - if she knows that you're busy from 9-5 she can reserve her messaging for later on in the day. That way you have more guilt free time to yourself.

If you employ little devices like this - a pattern will develop whereby she'll only contact you when she knows you're free. If you don't want to message her you can always explain that you're busy but add that you can do so at a later time. Once again this is about prearranging the contact so that you know what to expect, how to navigate it, and feel comfortable that's it been fitted around the rest of your day.

I wouldn't advocate locking your phone away or any other such action, as it only deepens the temptation to make contact. Keep it close by but out of your natural eye line. From there get on with a project or two - Pinterest has some great project ideas. I would also recommend keeping a journal as this helps you to channel your feelings and concerns to a disinterested party. You might find that once you've got out all your fears and anxiety - you'll feel a healthy tiredness that prevents you from messaging her as much. As a final thought, what about online games that can keep you in contact with her but less directly? This might be a good one if you're finding the guilt of not messaging her too strong to contend with. Something like words with friends which you can dip in and out of. This might prove too tempting for you i don't know, but it could prove a good way of bridging the gap between feeling detached and overly involved.

Just a few thoughts. Again i wish you the best.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey everyone. Thank you very much for the responses. I will definitely keep you all up to date with this. Please keep posting!

So I went for a run and lifted weights for a bit. This got my mind clear and focused on myself. Then I went to the creative project - my phone was on but under the desk. I have not responded since about 10 am. In that time she has sent 4 long messages and a few small ones, the most recent was about 3 pm. I feel tempted to reply but I won't until I'm back on track with my project.

My question: I am confused as to whether or not I should tell her I am busy and most likely cannot reply for awhile. Do you think this is the best thing to do? This could drag me back into intense feelings even with the intention of avoiding it.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey guys and gals,

So I texted her once after 6 hours! I have to thank you all for helping me reach that 6 hour mark - because my impulse was to reply within seconds.

Anyways, she responded with another text - saying that she wants to call me. I said I would rather not tonight because I am really busy and would rather not rush a phone call with her.

She said she would be having a shower, then calling me - and I had better pick up.

LOL.

This girl seems very needy. The roles have switched - now I get to see what neediness looks like from the other side. (It feels like she's invading my boundaries)

Anyways, I am sitting here waiting for a call and I don't know what to do. I think she would banish me if I didn't answer the phone - but then again - setting boundaries is healthy and should be respected. Right?

What should I do?

If she calls before someone replies - I will update the situation in my next post!

Thanks,
HD

[Crazy Hitch]

If she calls ... You answer

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey!

I answered the phone. I was nervous to be honest. I wasn't sure how I would handle the conversation if there was any hint of rejection. It was a good conversation though. We kept things light - laughed and shared a bit more about ourselves.

Turns out she isn't a very healthy person. She alluded to a history of mental illness and drug use, was sent to a boarding school when she was a teenager. I'm getting the feeling I will need to set very rigid boundaries with her. She may be very similar to me in a lot of ways - but we shall see. I won't sell my soul to anyone if I can help it. Here's to hoping I can help it!

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Crazy Hitch]

Wow. She's openin up to you. Means she feels comfortable around you. Well done.

[HD7970GHZ]

She wants to meet now.

This is interesting to me. It seems very fast to me too. I feel like I should slow it down a bit. I think this girl is worth befriending and potentially more - but it just seems so fast for me. I can't help but think she's desperate and she doesn't care who she gets into a relationship with. Is it me or is this too easy?

Thanks,
HD

[Crazy Hitch]

I say .... Let her do the reeling in.

Get rid of that negativity in your head that she's desperate so she chose you. It's unhealthy thinking and it's simply untrue!

You're still treading with caution. Good. But don't let it stop you from being you.

Come on.

You deserve this. Indulge in the moment!

[HD7970GHZ]

Now I'm starting to feel like I should avoid her...

[HD7970GHZ]

Just an update ---

I told her I will be shutting off my phone and checking it periodically until my project is done.

[cryingontheinside]

It sounds like you are getting anxiety/ mixed feelings/ indisisive. Are you sure your not my twin? Lol (i am exacetly the same)

[Kmdpgh]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Hey everyone,

I have never tried a social networking app before. I decided to try it - and I was matched with a girl who happens to have VERY similar tastes in specific things in life, specific creative themes, etc.

After a couple hours messaging - she gave me her number. I was reluctant to send any messages - because I could already sense my BPD anxiety rising. I told myself that I would continue messaging her - but try my best to remain aware of my BPD.

Anyways, now we want to hang out. She wants me to go out with her and do some photography. I wouldn't call it a date - more of an excuse to go out and do something fun with someone else who likes doing the same thing...

I think I may actually like this girl - and I don't want to scare her away. I want to maintain boundaries and be able to function around her and without her. I want to be stable enough to handle this without falling down hard again - and realize the importance of loving myself without getting lost in it all.

I have a feeling this could become very intense.

- Is there any chance you guys and gals could help me remain aware of my BPD?
- Is there anything in particular I should think about before going into this further?
- Any tips or dating ideas?
- Any advice for a fellow borderline entering into a relationship. Anything at all - please share!

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I have found that looking back on my life, I can only get "lost" in people that have limited interest in me. I believe that many people with BPD fantasize about others and obtaining their love, affection, and especially their attention. It as if we are reliving our childhoods, and in particular, trying to obtain the love that we did not get from our mothers. For those people that actually do love us and pay us attention, and are emotionally available to us, we act indifferently because there is no idealization or fantasy involved. We get attached to the chase of obtaining the unattainable, and those that really do love us, we discard. Sighing.

[HD7970GHZ]

We get attached to the chase of obtaining the unattainable, and those that really do love us, we discard. Sighing

.

Wow. Very insightful - I needed to hear that!

The girl is still texting me and sending cute pics of herself. She's cool. I'm texting back - but protecting myself so I don't fall too hard.

[Crazy Hitch]

[HD7970GHZ]

Just an update for anyone who wants to know lol.

So I've been texting this girl and I have set boundaries with her in such a way - so that she is the one reeling me in... I make sure to send text messages after a healthy period of time - otherwise I risk falling into neediness and dependency. So far I've been able to maintain balance - though I felt like I was falling into the borderline trap and had to set major boundaries. At one point I couldn't handle her not responding to my text messages and almost called her... It would have been a disaster.

Anyways, finally she responded with this text: "I know I always bug you to hang out and call me and stuff I just like you and honestly I've never had a guy blow me off like you do. And for some reason I put up with it from you because you are super interesting and you get me on some level that most don't..."

What does this mean? And should I pursue this girl?

I need advice!

Thanks,
HD

[Kmdpgh]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Just an update for anyone who wants to know lol.

So I've been texting this girl and I have set boundaries with her in such a way - so that she is the one reeling me in... I make sure to send text messages after a healthy period of time - otherwise I risk falling into neediness and dependency. So far I've been able to maintain balance - though I felt like I was falling into the borderline trap and had to set major boundaries. At one point I couldn't handle her not responding to my text messages and almost called her... It would have been a disaster.

Anyways, finally she responded with this text: "I know I always bug you to hang out and call me and stuff I just like you and honestly I've never had a guy blow me off like you do. And for some reason I put up with it from you because you are super interesting and you get me on some level that most don't..."

What does this mean? And should I pursue this girl?

I need advice!

Thanks,
HD

Meet her in real life. Texting is just a fantasy world, for the most part, and allows us to ease our lonliness without putting in the real work. It's the easy way out. Meet her and see if there's anything there. It's the only healthy thing to do at this point.

Good luck!

Ken