[intheburbs3134]

I just introduced myself in a general way to the group. I didn't realize I could actually discuss my psychiatric disorders openly. I am 59 and dx with borderline, severe depression and bipolar type 2 although there are days this computer can read my thoughts. I usually stay away from it during those periods as it freaks me out to see what I was thinking of right in front of my eyes. I have 4 siblings but only one is alive now. The other two (both brothers) found life too hard to cope with. The last words my father said to me before he died was "Why don't you do the world a favor and kill yourself." So I tried. I crashed 3 times and my husband was told I would not make it through the first night. Bit I did. It has taken me a year of mourning what I thought should have happened did not occur as I planned. I am not starting to think maybe there was a reason I was meant to survive. I am not close with my birth family as my sister is too busy being the "golden child" and my mother is incredibly controlling and knows how to push my buttons. She does not understand anything to do with psychiatry and calls it "jibber- jabber". This last year I have spent a lot of time in and out of hospital. I have had 40 plus ECT's over a period of 10 years. The last round did snap me out of my depression for a short time. My psychiatrist has me interlinked with community groups as I am too "toxic" for the programs they run at the hospital he works in. I see him eery 4 - 6 weeks. I now have a case manager and am linked into services near where I live. I would love to link up with some borderlines as that disorder rules my life with a vengeance. It would be wonderful to talk to someone who has experienced what I have gone through.

I also have borderline personality disorder and depression and you're welcome to talk with me. I'm sorry for what you've been through. Sending hugs your way.

[Mindful55]

Hi...I also have borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. The people here are very supportive, from all walks of life. You will find understanding and support here. I found i do not feel so alone...

[FlowerChild67]

I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and am willing to talk. I can relate to some of what you have said.

[intheburbs3134]

TRIGGER ALERT. Thank you all for responding. It's been a damned hard hole to try and claw my way out of. I lost the plot after my youngest brother found life to hard to deal with. From then it was just a slippery slide down until I had a breakdown. After seeing my then doctor at the time I was diagnosed. I was 44 when this happened. Since then things have gone from bad to worse. My new doctor has had me referred onto community services in the end as versus DBT at one the hospitals. I hated DBT and the group I was in. I do have a new psychologist whom I will be meeting with at the end of January and specializes in both CBT and DBT. It's just nice to talk to someone who has walked a mile in your shoes and can relate to what I am saying. Since my brother's suicide and having my father say that to me about going to kill myself it's been difficult to stay sane. After my attempt I was not meant to last the night so my family were told to say their goodbyes to me. As I said before I crashed three times and got the paddles each time (boy did my body ache from that). So I guess there must be some reason I am still here. I just have to work ot in my head why it is. Thank you all for your wonderful posts. They touched me deeply as I thought no one would bother responding to a loser like me.

[dancinglady]

There is also a "seniors lounge" for us older people. I want to clarify that we r people who suffer from BPD I feel offend when you call me a borderline. Welcome to our group.

[shezbut]

((((hugs))))

I am so sorry that you've had to deal with such tragedies. I can truly understand what you are talking about & it tears my heart out! It has got to hurt, extensively, to have such an unhealthy family life.

My family life was extremely sad & crazy as well, but I never lost anyone that I actually loved...until I was 21 years-old. My grandma. She was the glue that held our sick family together. So, in retrospect, I can see that her death is what started me seeing the "real world". That is when the real pain started kicking in for me. When I actually could see where I stood in other family member's hearts. THAT is what really freaking hurt me.

Gentle hugs to you. In my experience, I've had to quit DBT a couple of times, because I just was not ready. However, I've also recognized cues that I need to get back into it & try a few times too, LOL! So, I'm in it now, and I find myself struggling to continue (from time to time)...I just keep trying. I keep on going (like the little train) because I have to. My daughters need me. That is my motivation to continue in this world. I cannot continue my family's sick and unhealthy patterns, nor can I simply escape it, I must keep trying.

That is what I do. I also gain some pleasure in the thought of possibly helping others with their inner demons as well. It is a daily struggle, I must confess. But, I keep on going...in hope that someday, some day I will be okay.

((((hugs))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( hugs )))))))))

[cosmic.yiana]

I am so sorry that your dad said that to you. I can't imagine how incredibly hard that must be. Stay strong. ((((Hugs))))

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi there intheburbs

Yes, I've been in a similar situation to you (but I hope you don't mind, I don't want to discuss my situation right now).

Words can be hurtful. I am sorry that those were your father's last words. You can't take it back - that sounds like a remark said out of anger. But do you know what anger is? Have you heard of the anger iceberg? Anger is the 10% we see above water. What we don't see is the 90% that bobs underneath the water. And it's name is fear.

I don't care too much about disclosing my diagnosis to others (my husband aside of course). They wouldn't really get it. Well, not in my opinion anyway. I'm sure some would say I'm odd. But each to their own. Sometimes I think I wasn't put on this earth to be liked by everyone. And other times I think what the hell why don't they like me. Push pull push pull push pull and so the cycle continues.