[drpepperqueen]

Hello everyone, and thank you for reading.

I don't post much on here. I feel though that this really needs to change. I need support. I also feel that I could possibly give support.
I am not sure where to begin with this. So I appologize if it is a bit long, and slightly disorganized.

First of all, I have a diagnosis of Boarderline personality disorder, and I have had this diagnosis for years now. I also possibly have impulse control disorder. Along with major depression, and I worry constantly, and think constantly. Nobody has ever really addressed this. But then again I have not been too upfront with it either.
I feel I deal with enough. Psyical health problems also. Including chronic pain. Which I realize adds to my depression.

Anyway, for about the last 6 months now, my symptoms have been much worse. I don't really understand why this has happened. I do feel that most of the meds I am on, aren't working for me. I do see a new psychiatrist in mid January. I can't wait, and I hope that I can build up a great relationship with this person.
I live in an apartment in Missouri, with my wonderful boyfriend. We started talking in April, and he moved in in mid June. He loves me dearly, and I am crazy about him. I adore him, and think the world of him. He deals with major depression. So to a point, he understands my mental health struggles. What he doesn't understand, he tries really hard to get.

I feel lately I give him a very time. Usually I am very sweet to him, and good to him. But when we get in to a struggle, I can become what he calls, hateful to him.
For instance, last week I took some money out of my account, and I got a dog from a lady. I didn't discuss it with him, and when he got home from work, I told him I found the dog.
I lied about this all night. By the time wegot ready to go to bed, I was ready to tell him the truth. He got angry that I lied to him, which I don't blame him at all. He said he felt he couldn't trust me. He told me that I needed to stay of CraigsList, using the computer, and my phone.
I got angry, and I told him that he could have the computer. Then I told him I didn't want my phone anymore. He said I needed that. And I told him I would throw it against the wall. He told me that he wasn't going to put up with me acting this way.

Last night, I told him that on Saturday, using my phone, I purchased a $20 item for my phone. He was angry again, that I didn't discuss it with him, and that I lied to him. He said my reaction was impulsive, which he is probably right.
We have talked about getting married, and last night he said that we need to put this on the back-burnner for a while. That he needs to build up trust in me again. I became very upset. I cried hard! I told him over and over that I was no good, and to just go away. He said he would not go away, that he loved me. But if I kept this up, he would have no choice but to leave. I can understand this.
I started to harm myself. I tried slamming my head against the wall, and hitting myself in the face. He stopped me.

I was in DBT a long time ago, and this waas very helpful. I am waiting to get in to the program again. But there is a waiting list. I do see a therapist, who I like. But she is not very familiar with DBT.

I have had several hospitalizations in the last several months. Mainly, due to being so depressed. But also for harming myself. I didn't want to die. I just wanted the pain to go away. My boyfriend does struggle to understand this.
He says that I need to be completely honest with myself, and others. I know he is right. But it is so scary, and difficult.

Why am I acting this way again?
Why am I going down heal?
What could be making things worse?
And why do I treat my sweet boyfriend so badly at times.
How can I improve on treating him better?

Any thoughts, or advice would be very much appreciated. I can not stand this roller-coaster any longer. It has got to end.

Thank you,
Drpepperqueen

[jelly-bean]

It sounds like your meds (if you are taking them) are not working properly and maybe you should talk to your T about changing them or raising the dosage. You should also bring it up with your new T and see what you can do about your behavior problems. Coming here and posting the way you did is a good start toward finding and fixing the problem.l

[kaliope]

i think the answer to most of your questions is that you are acting like a classic borderline. i know dbt is a successful treatment. do you remember any of the skills from when yu took it before? there are workbooks out there until you can get into a group. i really dont know if saying if you want it bad enough you can change is an accurate statement because i wanted to get better from my illnesses real bad and that didnt help. there is a technique called STPA. think of a stop sign. before you do anything, respond to anything, think of the stop sign and think stpa instead..s=stop..meaning dont do anything right away...t=think..think about what you are doing and the consequences of those actions..play it all the way through and the different possibilitys. P=pause...take a minute to make sure you are making the right choice...a=act...if you are making the best choice,,,then act on it.....

[Fuzzybear]