Hello, good people. I'm able to control my anger in most contexts, but, for some reason, not very well at work. Any idea why that might be the case ? Also, what are some strategies y'all use to control anger at work ?

I have lost my temper at work countless times, and have cursed, shouted, and just been really unpleasant to people, and that is not fair to them. More importantly, it worries me that I lose control like that. I work as a computer engineer, so at least I don't deal with customers (thank God for that), otherwise I'd get fired for losing my temper with them.

Some of the crap I deal with at work:
- A high-anxiety micromanaging workaholic boss who counts every dollar and innocently suggests things like "Wanna get dinner and hold a conference with the (overseas) team at around 9 pm ?"
- A completely lazy, incompetent, and arrogant junior team member (I'm her mentor) who does nothing and expects all the praise available
- Unfair salary distribution and promotion criteria
- People who kiss buttocks and perform good oral sex rise through the ranks fairly quickly, while intelligent people stagnate at the bottom of the ladder.

[Frankbtl]

Hi lilodian, well from what you've said, I'd say you had the right to feel some anger, thought about getting a new job??
But for now.....let's maybe think about how you can separate yourself (at least in your head) from other people's problems/inadequacies, hey?? Because they don't have the right to be making you feel so bad/to bring you down.
You're still you, you still know the job, and you're still achieving right?? So you should be able to feel good about yourself regardless of what other people do/their problems.
Do you think that you could say "No" a bit more to unreasonable requests, and throw in some solid reasons that they're going to find it hard to argue with?? Even if you have to take a deep breathe and come back to them later with the "No"/with the reasons???
Maybe have your schedule written out/or "on the tip of your tongue" if someone asks/expects you to do something and tell them quite clearly that, OK you can do what you're asked, but you won't be able to do x, y or z......then make it their responsibility in dropping something.
And when you're doing jobs you make sure you're able to list them straight off afterwards, hey?? That way if you're being pushed into more you can clearly show that actually you have done........easy for people to loss track of what you actually have done, and think you're "slacking"??!!
For that junior member though, perhaps document things you're asking of them so as when they haven't done things it doesn't "come back on you"??
And of course document the things that they haven't done despite having the skills and the knowledge ect alongside the fact that you've addressed them with the member, so as you can take it higher. Once they realise you're addressing things "formally"/"officially" maybe.............
And the people who kiss buttocks..............well just remember that you've got to where you are because you deserved it............wherever they're at is pretty meaningless right??!! And what have they got that they can be really proud of??!!! I'd almost be inclined to feel sorry for them if they have to "sink to that level" to get/stay anywhere.
But the stress/anger...............you could start watching the clock a bit more till it's time to finish
But otherwise maybe try to mark things off hour by hour, or task by task..........thinking of the whole day can maybe get on top of you a bit??? Definitely try to schedule in when you can take breaks though. And maybe some grounding techniques or breathing exercises??
And when things are actually going right (or not as wrong as they could go!!), maybe try to recognise/hold onto them them a lot more, then when other things don't go as right you've got something to "fall back on".
And I don't know..........maybe try to see where other people are struggling too, if applicable??? Perhaps it may help "tolerate" some of the difficulties they may be throwing your way??? Afterall if you're "up against it" maybe some of them are too??
If there are any coworkers you can talk too as well, if they're having similar problems maybe it would be good to talk to them?? Even if there are no practical things you can share that might help, it might at least help you in feeling less alone with the stresses???
Anyway.............just some thoughts.............

Alison

Alison, thanks so much ! And merry Christmas !

You're right - I need to set boundaries to deal with unreasonable requests. And, I need to document my coworker's poor performance. I was recommended this by my manager also.

I'm actually thinking of buying a couple of books that talk exclusively about setting boundaries to deal with difficult people. It's an intriguing subject, isn't it ?

Say, if you don't mind, can you share a bit more about the strategies you employed on your very own path to recovery ? Anything you want to share, I'd love to know. Your secrets to happiness, contentment, anything !

Thanks again

[Frankbtl]

Hi lilodian.

Alison, thanks so much ! And merry Christmas !

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you too!!!!

You're right - I need to set boundaries to deal with unreasonable requests.

I'm actually thinking of buying a couple of books that talk exclusively about setting boundaries to deal with difficult people. It's an intriguing subject, isn't it ?

Sounds like you're already a lot more insightful than you're giving yourself credit for!!!!
I think sometimes a difficulty in setting boundaries is having the confidence in doing that, as well though?? Don't forget, at times you might have to respond to unreasonable requests in life but there do have to be limits.......and you have every right to say "No" when you feel you need to!!! Don't forget........you matter too!!!!

Anything you want to share, I'd love to know. Your secrets to happiness, contentment, anything !

Did I deserve that question????!!!!
I'd say different things can resonate for different people.........but if that's too open ended then it can't harm to aim for self respect, self compassion, self empathy, kindness towards yourself and self belief..........and where possible turning those feelings out towards others too (within reason!!) as well as letting those things guide your way. And finding a sense of meaning or a purpose??? And that can be in anything!!!
So just a few thoughts for now.........have a feeling it could turn into an essay otherwise.........



Alison