[lostinlindon]

Hi everyone,

I am wondering if anyone would mind sharing a few of their coping skills, learned or taught. I have found that as I get older my coping skills have changed.

When I was a teenager I would ride my bike all day long, I mean funny biker shorts, shoes, jersey...the whole getup. It got my out of my house (the main spiraling agent). I would also run a bunch. All of this while listening to my Guardians of the Galaxy type Sony Sports Walkway.

Now I am older and uhhhh "thicker" and its a struggle making time with kids, housework, etc.

My therapist tells me that I need to self soothe and gives me a list of generic ideas.

I want to know what real affected people do.

Thanks all

Great question, and a very interesting topic. I have found and developed a few coping skills I find priceless.

- Don't lose your calm over things you cannot control: People will do what people WANT TO do. You cannot do a damn thing about it, except control your response to it. Say a person makes a racist comment or other derogatory comment in front of others. Do you lose your cool, let your heart race, start cursing, and become the laughing stock in public ? Or do you say to yourself, "Forget it, my health is more important.", stay calm, and draw respect from others ? I think you know.
- Zero expectations: Expect nothing from anyone or anything. Then, when someone disappoints you, as people tend to do, you will not be affected by it. You'll just say "Oh well, I kinda expected that.". It sounds very cynical, and it is, but it works.
- Don't take things personally. If a customer service rep treats you like crap, it's likely he/she treats others like crap. Learning not to take things personally helped me a huge deal. Not every bad thing that happens is the result of a conspiracy against ME.
- Compassion/Empathy: When you are mistreated, try to empathize with the other person. Maybe he/she is having a bad day ? Maybe they have issues of their own ? Maybe their issues are worse than yours ? People aren't perfect. Give them a break. That way, you will also learn to curb your own anxiety.
- Better time management: As your doc said, make time for self-soothing and self-care. It can really help with anxiety. Things like exercise, meditation, relaxing before bed, relaxing with tea/coffee after waking up (as opposed to rushing through your routine)
- Remind yourself that you are stronger than you think you are. Often, when we're in a tough situation, we are only thinking of the NOW. We forget that, we have had numerous tough situations in the past, and we HAVE DEALT WITH them successfully. It's easy to wallow eternally and feel like a weakling. It's smarter to just tell yourself that you can get through it, then do your best, and have no regrets. This sounds cliche, but it works !
- Emotional control ... deep breaths or the 30 second cool-off period: When someone criticizes you and you feel your anger beginning to develop, hold your emotions and your words within you for a few seconds, take a few deep breaths, neutrally (without a bias) analyze the information: Ok, he made fun of my appearance. I can get back at him, but what will that get me ? Also, he is my boss, so it is not in my best interest to talk back bluntly. Let me just smile for now. Later, in my one on one meeting with him, I can politely and calmly mention to him that I did not appreciate his comment. Problem solved, no one comes out hurt or vengeful. LEARN TO SHELVE EMOTIONS.

Hope this helps some.

[lostinlindon]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Great question, and a very interesting topic. I have found and developed a few coping skills I find priceless.

- Don't lose your calm over things you cannot control: People will do what people WANT TO do. You cannot do a damn thing about it, except control your response to it. Say a person makes a racist comment or other derogatory comment in front of others. Do you lose your cool, let your heart race, start cursing, and become the laughing stock in public ? Or do you say to yourself, "Forget it, my health is more important.", stay calm, and draw respect from others ? I think you know.
- Zero expectations: Expect nothing from anyone or anything. Then, when someone disappoints you, as people tend to do, you will not be affected by it. You'll just say "Oh well, I kinda expected that.". It sounds very cynical, and it is, but it works.
- Don't take things personally. If a customer service rep treats you like crap, it's likely he/she treats others like crap. Learning not to take things personally helped me a huge deal. Not every bad thing that happens is the result of a conspiracy against ME.
- Compassion/Empathy: When you are mistreated, try to empathize with the other person. Maybe he/she is having a bad day ? Maybe they have issues of their own ? Maybe their issues are worse than yours ? People aren't perfect. Give them a break. That way, you will also learn to curb your own anxiety.
- Better time management: As your doc said, make time for self-soothing and self-care. It can really help with anxiety. Things like exercise, meditation, relaxing before bed, relaxing with tea/coffee after waking up (as opposed to rushing through your routine)
- Remind yourself that you are stronger than you think you are. Often, when we're in a tough situation, we are only thinking of the NOW. We forget that, we have had numerous tough situations in the past, and we HAVE DEALT WITH them successfully. It's easy to wallow eternally and feel like a weakling. It's smarter to just tell yourself that you can get through it, then do your best, and have no regrets. This sounds cliche, but it works !
- Emotional control ... deep breaths or the 30 second cool-off period: When someone criticizes you and you feel your anger beginning to develop, hold your emotions and your words within you for a few seconds, take a few deep breaths, neutrally (without a bias) analyze the information: Ok, he made fun of my appearance. I can get back at him, but what will that get me ? Also, he is my boss, so it is not in my best interest to talk back bluntly. Let me just smile for now. Later, in my one on one meeting with him, I can politely and calmly mention to him that I did not appreciate his comment. Problem solved, no one comes out hurt or vengeful. LEARN TO SHELVE EMOTIONS.

Hope this helps some.

All Very good stuff.

Its funny, as i read through your post everything mentioned seems so easy and straightforward. However, I forget to be "mindful" about what I can and can't control in the PRESENT, and skip right to an outrageous emotional response. It can be soooo so difficult to shelve emotions. It is a huge learning curve for me.

Thank you!

[Espresso]

I go for walks sometimes. Or I listen to certain music. I guess those are the only ones I can think of right now. But they don't work when I'm in crisis mode. I need something more immediate and intense in such times.

[The_little_didgee]

I like to listen to music, paint, draw and bead. Walking is another way I cope but it isn't an option at the moment. The recent frigid weather (minus 20 degrees Celsius) is a deterrent.

Originally Posted by lostinlindon

All Very good stuff.

Its funny, as i read through your post everything mentioned seems so easy and straightforward. However, I forget to be "mindful" about what I can and can't control in the PRESENT, and skip right to an outrageous emotional response. It can be soooo so difficult to shelve emotions. It is a huge learning curve for me.

Thank you!

Hey, you're right ... it's not easy to be able to put all this into practice. It took me many many years to master, and I'm still learning.

Just try it, though. The first few times, you will have to coach yourself and pay special attention to the situation. After that, it really will become automatic. Asshole (on the freeway) tailgating me ? Breathe, and move over.

[tony fudo]

Good to read this.

Its just sometimes so difficult to put what you know into action. There is a person that I sometimes have to deal with, and they just wind me up with their nasty attitudes towards, well, everything. I have learned not to have conflict with him, and to minimise the time I need to spend with him, but I just find him totally toxic, and I have difficulty letting go of the negativity I feel about him. Letting go of negativity. That's an issue, for me.

Because, avoiding conflict is the best, political route, in this case, but the frustrated impulse rankles. Perhaps posting this will help!