[richeye]

Merry Christmas everybody!

I was diagnosed as borderline pd 10 years ago, but I didn't know what it meant. I didn't think i had it, just mild psychosis, mood disorder NOS, anxiety, and OCD. I took being called borderline as an insult because this girl i was hanging with was very borderline, considering she was usually high on heroine.

I've been on SSDI for 10 years due to mental health problems. I can't work, i can't make any decisions for myself, I can't date, etc...I'm not as afraid of rejection because I keep everybody at arms' length. Before i went on disability and still drinking, i would lash out at women if i felt neglected, even though i was a real sweetheart most of the time. I don't know who i am or what my interests are. I used to try to find that one right thing that would give me an identity, but it never came, and i was left scared shitless.

I started feeling neglected and empty at the age of 13. I used to be 'cool', or so i thought. I was in all of the accelerated classes, but i never accepted the fact that i was meant to be with those people rather than trying to fit in with the 'cool people'. I was lonely, a tag-a-long, trying to be something i wasn't.

Then came high school. I still felt lonely so i went out for football. I didn't like playing, but did so just to have friends. My brother was this good football player in high school, always had a girlfriend, a National Merit Scholar finalist, and a partier. My sister was on the cheerleading squad all throughout high school, so i had to live up to, or so i thought.

When i graduated from high school, i was so lost without the structure. I was very depressed and very anxious, and stayed home for at the local university instead of going off to college at Va Tech.

Let me back up. In high school, i was, again, still in the accelerated classes. I would go to parties, trying to be cool. But i always had a nervous stomach because I felt pressured to be there. I wasn't my real self. I had a couple of friends who played football, and we'd go to parties, but they weren't exactly 'cool' and we'd be joked sometimes.

I committed myself to psychotherapy and meds my senior year of college, and was told that i had a deblitating fear of transitions. I was way too afraid of going into the working world as a software engineer. I feared I would be utterly destroyed by the transition. I was scared of losing my friends (who were 'cool'), my security, my dreams, basically my identity. Somehow i was able to work for 25 months before i was pulled off the project, and went on company disability with IBM, then ssdi.

While on disability and still drinking, i was emotionally dependent on my friends. I needed that constant reassurance, even though i wanted to break away from them. They would joke me about the way i dressed and joked me about being an IT professional and other things. I didn't like them, but where else was to go?

At one point in time while on company disability i acknowledged to a therapist, finally, how scared i was, that i felt i would fall of the end of the earth because i was so lonely. But then i became conflicted about my sexuality, wasn't as scared, my head went into a haze, isolated from everybody, and became an alcoholic. I explored gay bars, but it didn't seem like i fit in there. I was mildy interested in men, curious, confused, because i lost my passion for women. I had no idea what was going on. I read about latent homosexuality/bisexuality, but i knew i wasn't either.

I am a nerd. My bpd symptoms won't necessarily be cured, but at least i know, partly, its origin. I started playing Magic: The Gathering at a local comic book store, and had a good time. Maybe i should go back to school and get a second Bachelor's in Electrical Engineering. But as for now, i now realize what my therapist means when she told me to add more dimensions to my life rather than focusing on one thing and wearing it out.

Thanks everybody,

Love, Rich

Hello richeye: Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you are having a most joyful holiday season.

[richeye]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello richeye: Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you are having a most joyful holiday season.

Merry Christmas to you, too!

Hey there, Rich.

Yes, thanks for sharing your story. It is very interesting and a bit sad at the same time. I'm glad you've learned about yourself in that whole process.

From one software engineer to another, there is nothing wrong with:
- Being intelligent
- Working hard in school and getting one of the most challenging and sought after degrees today - Computer Science
- Having a highly marketable skill that is useful in nearly every industry today
- Having one of the highest paying jobs in society. And I mean we're in the 95th percentile or something like that.

The "friends" who made fun of you for being a s/w engr, are obviously too narrow minded and/or aren't successful in their own careers so they need to make fun of someone who is. Tell people like them to talk to the hand.

By the way, it is not necessary that software engineers can't be "cool" or can't be good at other things. I know quite a few "cool" software engineers One of them sleeps in my bed.

Anyway, I totally second you getting another degree ... anything that you're interested in ... why not !

Also, one thing wasn't entirely clear to me ... hope you can clarify ... why do you feel that you can't date ? I understand that you can't make decisions and that people mistreat you, but why does any of that mean you can't date ?

You can certainly at least have female friends, no ?

You just need to connect with other intellectuals, that's all. Forget the dumbasses who can't hold up an intelligent conversation for 5 minutes. You need to find people like you, who can.

[richeye]

Thanks Lilodian: well put!

[dancinglady]

I am so sorry that your mental health problems have cost you so much. Have u tried to get into FBT. It is such a waste that u r living on SSDI as intelligent as you are. I am also in VA and have been around this block a lot so if u want to PM me for anything let me know.
My sons are also addicted to weed and I hate it. Until they decide to STOP nothing I can do but love them unconditionally.

Originally Posted by richeye

Thanks Lilodian: well put!

No, you don't get off that easy

*** Why do you feel you can't date ? ***

Have you tried online dating or social networking ? Or even meeting people through gaming networks or forums ? I've known plenty of geeky folks who made friends / dates on gaming sites and forums.

[Crazy Hitch]

Merry Christmas Rich!

Hope it was a good one for you.

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

I've come to learn I've probably got one friend .... But I'd rather that one friend than a hundred fake ones.

Nobody really gets me. I think I'm coming to accept that. Slowly.

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Merry Christmas Rich!

Hope it was a good one for you.

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

I've come to learn I've probably got one friend .... But I'd rather that one friend than a hundred fake ones.

Nobody really gets me. I think I'm coming to accept that. Slowly.

(Sorry to hijack the thread, Rich)

Hooligan, you're such an interesting and sensitive person. Why do you think you have a hard time making/keeping friends ?

Can you elaborate on why no one gets you ? I'm curious.

[richeye]

Lilodian,

I don't know why women don't notice me anymore. I used to have all the confidence in the world, and they thought i was cute, and i dated until i was 26, when i lost that passion for women. I guess i don't have the self-confidence anymore, or the self-esteem, and women notice this. I look at myself as ugly, a has-been, stupid, crazy, weird. I guess i've had ongoing borderline issues for many years. And i'm pretty sure i sabotage myself mentally, emotionally, psychologically all of a conscious, subconscious, and unconscious level. And it really started getting bad when i was 26.

So this is why I don't feel i can date, and why i feel women don't notice me.

Thanks for not letting me off so easily!

Rich

Ok, sounds like you're stuck in a rut. If you're ready for it, I think it's time for some positive healthy change.

Do you exercise or have you considered it ? As someone who suffers with low confidence, I must say that there is almost no better way to regain/boost your confidence than by exercising and being, feeling, and looking healthy and fit. The benefits of exercise are as much psychological as they are physiological.

I'd give this some serious thought, if you haven't already. Exercise can really turn your life around, if you're willing to invest time and effort. It saved my life ... no exaggeration.

[Ithikari]

I'm a nerd too and play Magic The Gathering online and work as a video game tester >_<