Sorry in advance for overposting. I'm feeling all off-kilter today. I mainly just want to feel like I'm connecting with others. Funny, normally I'm a fairly antisocial person. I really do like being on my own and doing my own thing. Except those times when I begin to feel lonely and disconnected, and then no one is ever around, even just to chat on the phone with.

I am scared that I'm sliding back into old mindsets and behaviors, back to before I was hospitalized two and a half years ago. I know that there is a reasonable explanation for it--I am exhausted and stressed. I get, on average, 5-6 hours of sleep a night, I am constantly studying, attending class, or working. The few friends I do have, I rarely see. So the things that are bringing me down (like the issue with the guy I posted about earlier as well as certain other things) may be things I've magnified in my head--cognitive distortions. In fact, I know they are. But that doesn't mean I am in a place where I can rationalize with myself very well. I still feel that, because none of my friends are available and my best friend never finished our text convo this afternoon (she is notorious for dropping convos and not returning texts for days, if ever) people don't really like me and I'm not valuable to them. I feel that the guy I posted about is just "making nice," and that he actually finds me irritating at best, repulsive at worst. I feel that I may not make it to graduation. And above it all, the very root of it, I feel alone. And I feel that I will always be alone. I am so, so sad to be alone, to have been "passed over" in the family, husband, and children lottery. To know that it will probably never be in the cards for me. My mind has gone to some dark places the last two weeks. I won't elaborate, I'll just say that I'm safe...but scared.

I am planning on getting back in to see a T. I don't have one, and haven't for at least a year now, but I think I need to have that touchpoint in my life. I don't have the greatest insurance while in school so I'm only approved for 20 visits, and there aren't a lot of T's to choose from. But I suppose it's a start, hey?

[CANDC]

Glad you posted. Always good to hear people's story. I have done the work and go to school thing and it just burned me out with not enough sleep. I had to completely sleep for 12 hours per day on the weekend to stay out of the worrying mode.

Dark thoughts eventually fade away when we don't give them that energy and attention. A therapist is a good thing to help with that.

If you are interested in dealing with dark thoughts, there is a show that was on NPR radio and also has a transcript. I listened the other night and it was revealing and hopeful.
Here is the post on PC. forums.psychcentral.com/.../383862-dealing-dark-thoughts.html

[purplek0ala]

I know exactly how you feel.
It's a horrendous feeling, that you just can't meaningfully connect with anyone.
The future seems like a deep dark bottomless pit when you go looking into it. I think that's why the key is learning to not look too far ahead. Just keep letting life do as it will and learn to roll with what's currently going on....something borderlines struggle tremendously with.
Just keep taking things one day at a time.
I wish I had helpful advice, but unfortunately I'm still in the same boat, haha. So my advice couldn't be too great!
You're not alone though!
Best of luck with your T. Congrats on taking the step to seek out one.
I truly hope things get better for you.

Thank you both for replying.

I'm in a pretty dark place right now, I'll be honest. I feel bleak, like all of the bad thoughts I've tried to rid myself of over the past two and a half years are all rushing back. Because it isn't as if anything changes when I don't feel depressed, I just am better able to cope and put a little more of a positive spin on it. I'm not going to list all of the things I believe to be true, but I don't feel like a normal member of society; I feel branded, no matter how normal I want to be or try to be. And others tell me they don't see it, they tell me they are surprised to learn that I struggle with MI at all (i.e. still waters run deep). So I don't know...I don't know what it is about me. I just know that it's been like this since I was a little kid, and I'm now 36; I fear it will be like this forever. I can't do this forever.

Therapy has never helped me--therapy cannot make me normal, or erase the core beliefs I have had instilled in me since childhood. Therapy can't make people like me or include me, or make someone of the opposite sex take notice. It can't give me the family I've wanted or friends or any of the things I'm missing. And it can't rebuild my personality. I've put in a lot of work in the past with therapy...but it can only go so far, really. It can't make up for the things I've lost or am missing in my life.

[Crazy Hitch]

Be easy on yourself.

Find some self caring activities to participate in in order to get your mind off external factors.

Relax.

Find a bit of pleasure.

A hot bath.

Relaxation Music.

A good magazine.

Allow yourself to be indulged.

Best wishes navigating these feeling.