feeling terrible :(

I just feel like everyone is giving up on me like they are tired of me and I don't think anything will work.

Hi eden, for some people it might be more that they just don't know what to do/say, others might be scared of making it worse for you if they do "try", others might not really "get it".........rather than them "giving up" on you or "walking away" because they don't care........but either way the feeling can be the same right?? That you're being left to try to deal with this alone, that people are shunning you, that you're "too much trouble"??
But, and I know this may seem so unfair particularly with the way you're feeling. although.......maybe you could try to "bridge that gap" with them a little..........perhaps by telling them directly what you're feeling and what you'd like from them???
I know at times there's probably nothing someone can do to help "make it better", but maybe at times you'd at least like them to listen more, to understand, just to "be with you", to allow you to cry and vent with them?? Maybe that could at least help you feel less alone, more cared about??? And that might eventually help you find some more strength to move further forward, to get/use more of the help you need.......???
But if that's too hard right now, or you don't feel "listened to" by some of the people in your life...........if someone/anyone gives up on you, you don't need to let that undermine your feelings, determine your value, determine whether you're worth fighting for........and if they can't help you, that's their failing, you're still/you are worth fighting for so don't give up on yourself, OK??!!
So maybe......I know it's hard but.........a bit more of a push with your psychologist and your psychiatrist to help a little more.........trying some more things from more people on here (meaning keep on talking!!), it might not seem like they're going to work, and you might be right maybe they won't work, but it can be worth trying until you find something..........
But no giving up on yourself, hey??!! You're worth it
Alison

I can't be direct I never have been I don't even know how like I have tried but I just go quiet I just I really don't know what to do I just feel like everyone hate me and I don't really think I am worth it.

Eaden, please try it again with your therapist. Let him know your feelings.
I understand your annoyance and that you think that you can't trust him anymore but at least, give him a try to explain himself and consider your position. And, after that, take your decission.

I can't avoid reading "I hate myself" when you write "everybody hate me". Bc I know for sure that there isn't a single person hated by everybody. People are not perfect and you know that people with this disorder interpret separation in a moment with abandoment or rejection.
I'm not trying to tell you that you are not partly right. The therapist should have told you that he couldn't attend to the meeting, so it's not your fault but don't see it like a rejection towards you until being able to talk with him.

What Alison says about telling people how they can help you has a lot of sense. Many times, they are lost and they don't know how to behave with someone who has psychological issues.

Forgive me if I have said any inconvenient. It wasn't my intention. I'm new in this disorder and I haven't still been diagnosed with it.

What an awful thing to do...sorry you was let down...hope you feel better soon

Hi eden, it's really good that you've tried to be direct that must have been a big step for you
But for now if you're finding you just can't "get the words out" do you think you could just write them down for someone??
You've done so well talking on here, I know it's not the same as IRL but maybe you could try to write a letter to someone e.g. your psychologist/psychiatrist?? And you wouldn't even necessarily have to be there when they read it, perhaps you could leave a note for them to read it before your next session???
And you know depression can make you hate yourself, hate your life........leading you to the question or certainty of "Why shouldn't everyone hate me?", "Of course they have to hate me". But that doesn't make it true
It can often be the depression separating you from them, and them from you.........afterall it is the depression talking........
So maybe you can try to start opening the doors just a bit........they might not do everything right to support you, but that won't necessarily mean that they don't want to, or that they don't care. And perhaps you could help them learn how to do that??

Alison

I did send my psychologist and email yesterday but now I am super worried about what will happen I really don't even know what to do now I don't even think I explained that well ugh maybe I shouldn't have sent it I don't know ahh I feel horrible now.

Eden!!! Well done you!!!!
And what should happen is that your psychologist should be understanding and supportive in whatever way is best for you. And he should have experience in how best to help you, and the more he knows about what's going on for you...........
As to how well you explained it, well that's OK
If you haven't explained everything or some things are a little vague (??) then that's fine, give yourself a break, you're not used to doing something like that so don't be so hard on yourself. What you have done.......in writing and sending that email is incredible in itself
And it is a real big starting point, some things in the email you may be able to discuss when you see him, some things you might want to discuss only a little..........but it's something to go on!!! So please feel proud of yourself in managing to write/send it.
Again........Well done you!!!!
Alison

But what if he says I have to tell all of this to my psychiatrist and then what will happen and what if I can't do that cause I haven't been seeing him for very long and I don't know what would happen if I told him like would he tell my mum or ugh I am just scared cause I feel like I should have just not said anything I hadn't mentioned most of this stuff before and but now ugh I don't know what to do.

Hi eden, just start by reminding yourself you've done the right thing in reaching out for help, OK??
And if he feels this should go to your psychiatrist, then that can be a good thing. Afterall there may be areas that your psychiatrist will be able to help you better than your psychologist with.........so allow this first email to work for you and get you all the help you need, hey?? It took a lot to send it, I know, so all the advantages from it you can get, right??!!
And if you should tell your psychiatrist, maybe you can do that in your own way too......e.g. forward him the email you sent to your psychologist with a note, or print off the email and give it to him, or bullet point some issues with your psychologist that you should pass on, or agree some wording with your psychologist that you can pass on........
And what would happen if you told him..........well he might be able to give you some more specialized/personalized help.......and if that's through medication/changes in medication........well the most important thing is to get you "in a better place" right now, isn't it??
And he might well have the means you need to get you there, whatever they are.
And can he tell your mum...........well I'm not sure of the laws over there sorry........but IF he can/has to........well whatever her reaction try not to let it stop you from getting the help you need, hey??!! This is help you need/help you deserve!!!
And IF she reacts badly, then you still have us behind you, OK??!!!

Alison

Thank you i am more just worried about everything as a whole and ugh it is hard to explain i just i am worried He would make me do something.

This is not an easy road..

i would definately try to find a new doc and t. this should not have happened especially if they keep cancelling your appointments. i would be a wreck too. i hope you don't cut anymore, please dont!!! i will pray!!!

Hi eden, from your other thread a big part of that worry is a hospital stay, right??
But you know if that's going to be needed, if, then it can sometimes help more in not "putting it off", sometimes the more you "slip" before.........the longer it can take to "come back up"/the longer you may need to be in there. But we're talking if's right now, aren't we........really good to be prepared/having thought about it as you have/are, just in case, but there still may be other options e.g. meds..........
But it's got to come down to whatever's best for you, hospital OR meds really........and the psychiatrist can work with you in finding that out. You've been feeling this way long enough/too long, right??

Alison

Thanks and yes that is one of the fears. I just can't go there again I really can't I just I can't keep my head in one place and it is hard. I don't even knows hat to do right now I just I can't fucous.

Is it possible to you looking for another therapist? I mean, not the same place but a different one?

Hi eden, we're just talking "if"'s now........if you need to go into hospital, OK??
But IF you do, then maybe there's a chance it might not have to be just like your last experiences e.g. maybe your psychologist or psychiatrist can write you up a plan with you before you go in (sure the hospital are going to draw up their own but they might find some of that info useful) e.g. do you "react" badly to some things which maybe they can support you in avoiding/minimising, is anything really important to you that you need while in there, are there any things they could recommend or definitely not recommend for you while in there such as group therapy/one-to-one sessions..............
But either way it doesn't have to be "the same thing over", some of that is going to depend on the ward/unit (?) you're on and the particular staff, doctors, patients (??) around you. And while some people have found their first, third........stays really hard, they have found other/further stays much more helpful.
So some things possibly in your favour, right??
And maybe a good focus would be on "coming out the other end"??? And leaving with hopefully better coping skills, being/feeling more "stable", having more opportunities and minimally the right medication for you........
But just something/anything that might help you with where you're at right now, hey??

Alison

There isn't anyone else where I live there are only about 320 000 people and not that many in the psych industries and that may look like a big number but literally you know everyone and if you don't know one person you know someone who knows that person. Also I am in Australia and the government is plunging us into a recession and everything is about to get even worse not that unemployment isn't already up 6% ugh I am getting really sick of them and there won't be an election for another 2 years

Thank you but it will only be worse than the last time they always get this lady who I have said I hated to come talk to me and she does things to spite me I am sure she wants me to end up in a grave. Ugh I am just so tired. And everyone thinks I am doing fine and I "have a safety plan" but it is just tell my mum which would never happen I just said I would because there was nothing else I have no at home support and I am expected to do well in school and if I don't and I feel bad I am just complaining.

Hi eden, firstly if you don't do well at school that's completely understandable considering what you're going through
But to be honest, I'm not sure "doing well" at school needs to be the main focus right now, probably much more so the way you're feeling, yes??
And the expectations from family.......do you think some of them come from your family not knowing everything you're going through?? I know you find it hard to talk about IRL but if you could just try to tell them a little more??? Or maybe even a teacher/tutor or school counselor???
So the safety plan........sounds as useful as saying I'll have a sandwich if.........., right??!!!!
So time for a new one, hey??
In fact plenty of people will have more than one thing in their "safety plan" to make it more effective.
So, I don't know.......this has to be personal to you............but maybe things like writing down/expressing those feelings in some "healthy" way specific to you, going out to somewhere specific to you even, texting/calling a friend, trying a hotline/crisisline (I know they haven't been that helpful for you at times but.........), going to A&E (this maybe as a last resort)...........
Perhaps you could think of some new things.......and maybe talk things over with your psychologist when you see them??
And even putting a useful safety plan into place will reduce the chances of the IF you need to go into hospital. But remember that is only an IF right now........maybe other options out there inc. a safety plan, meds and other possibilities.

Alison

The safety plan was done with my psychiatrist my psychologist never did one and I don't think anything would really work anyway also I don't think my family can understand it they just get mad at me for it. It is useless.

Hi eden, sounds like the psychiatrist was a bit wrong about the relationship you feel you have with your mum then??? And on that level maybe they've been giving you other advise based on misconceptions about your family life??? Meaning less than helpful advise!!
Do you think you could tell them that you're just not able to go with the safety plan in place i.e. talk to your mum???
And that really shouldn't be a "negative mark" against you. There are plenty of people who wouldn't be able to talk to a family member, either because it just isn't that kind of a relationship, or because they are too close to them to tell them. So it doesn't have to be anything about you that you're not able to carry out that safety plan
And if you can't think of an alternative........well maybe the psychiatrist could help you with that......sometimes really simple things together can help.........and the psychiatrist should have plenty of experience in helping with safety plans.
And if your family don't understand how you're feeling, that can still be OK. Sometimes it takes people who are in the same place, people who have been there, people with an understanding of what you're going through, professionals or even someone neutral to be the most help. So perhaps try to turn your attention outwards??? I know that might be really hard, but.............

Alison

I have tried to tell him but I find it hard to talk and he kind of just kept asking until I agreed so I don't know that asking for something different would work. Ugh everything is just too much.

Hi eden
Well one thing is that he sounds like he really wants to help if he kept asking and pushing for a "safety plan"...........although practically kind of a dead end, hey??
But it's OK you don't have to "ask for something different" you "just" meed to tell him you need something different, just let him know that as a fact........and if you want to tell him your mum isn't really someone you can talk about your feelings with.......as much as you want to tell him..........but from there he should be pleased that you're opening up/wanting something better/wanting a "safety plan" that works, afterall it does sound like he wants to help you.
But aside from a "safety plan" (which I've got to say is so important) you're wanting not to be needing to get as far as having to use a "safety plan" as well, yes??
So these feelings..........let's have a list of things that might help, hey?? And you're going to have to help me on this, OK?? Now I know that things might not help that much at all at times but even just a tiny bit or even as a slight distraction to...........might help a bit, yes???
So ideas..........maybe search out songs that help/break through a bit, familiar things that have some meaning e.g. photos, even a gift tag or card from......(??!!), a printed out quote, a letter, a email, some comment from PC , a stress ball, a flower, a perfume, something that feels good/sensory, (yes, let's mix up senses)..........so if we could have a list or a personal box for things that matter??? Even if that starts with just two (??) things........something to build on gradually???
Not that I'm saying you might not need to talk about things as well, not at all!! And PC's here for you........
As well as maybe another email to your psychologist??? You did do so well sending the last one..........just a thought............

Alison