[PinkFlamingo99]

I hate the way I relate to people. I hate that I have a ridiculously destructive fear of abandonment. I hate that I feel clingy and dependent. I hate that I can't seem to have normal relationships. I hate that I keep telling myself I'm going to stop being so worried and hurt all the time but I can't. I also know this is all me. I just can't seem to find a way to stop or to make my life more stable. I hate that I'm so hurt right now and I kind of know it's irrational. It scares me, I feel really ****ed up, like I don't deserve any relationships with anyone until I can stop being such a ****ed up human being. I keep wondering if I worm my way around the boundaries of what makes everybody comfortable. If I don't notice how other people feel. I feel like there's something seriously wrong with me as a human being. If I do these things, I don't mean to.

I'm hurting so badly I can't seem to cope with it.

I don't want to attach desperately to people anymore because it leaves me hurt and broken, but I can't seem to stop. I'm scared. I don't feel like anything can help me and this self-hatred is overwhelming.

How can someone claim to love me but turn their back so coldly? And say it's all my fear of being abandoned.

[kaliope]

it is possible that people are using your bpd symptoms against you and it is possible it is your bpd symptoms. i can see how frustrated you are by the way you bpd affects your life. have you heard of dbt? it is a very effective treatment for bpd that teaches emotional regulation. check into it. there are some very good workbooks if there are not providers in your area.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I've actually done DBT twice, but thanks!

It's not anger fits for me, it's desperate clingy fear of abandonment and paranoia. I hate it so much.