[AlmostHappyattimes]

Hello forum.

This is a rantish, bit of realization/bpd thought.

Every day i wake up, i sit up in bed and the first thought is, 'what do i want in life'.

Every day for years my answer was 'to be happy, just like i am in my dreams', but alas my dreams are not real.

For the past 204 days my dreams have been the same, about my son.
(You don't know this but im currently going through court to get to see him)

Yesterday i woke up, i sat up in bed, and the first thought was, 'what do i want in life'

Yesterday i realized what i wanted in life was to be happy, like i used to be when i was with my son.

Every day i battle with the lies shes thrown, everything from i wasn't helpful to (baby related trigger)

Possible trigger:

A miscarriage from a previous relationship

My son is 1 year old next month, he'll be crawling, giggling and trying to speak, and i've missed the last 6 months.

Everything gets thrown at me, My BPD, criminal record for drunk and aggressive behavior (before i was diagnosed) to lies she throws at me or to hide the truth.

How do i get through day by day, crying, been sad and at times struggling or in the past feeling so helpless and destroyed i felt suicidal?

I answered it yesterday. I'd do anything for my baby Leo, i'd do anything to protect him, i'd do anything to see him smile, i'd never hurt him, he is what makes me happy and makes my life worth it.

So i say this to you?

When you wake up, you ask yourself, What do you want in life?

Because no matter how bad life seams, how hard it will get, you always have something to carry on for.

[CANDC]

Almost Happy, I am sorry you are upset because you are physically separated from your son, but they say mother and child are not separated emotionally even if miles apart. How you feel can be an uplifting force on your child. Have you talked to your therapist about if seeing your son would help mend the wound in your emotional heart?

Every day I wake up I ask myself what I want to do when I grow up. Problem is I have not grown up yet. I guess I am going to have to start living now.

[AlmostHappyattimes]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Almost Happy, I am sorry you are upset because you are physically separated from your son, but they say mother and child are not separated emotionally even if miles apart. How you feel can be an uplifting force on your child. Have you talked to your therapist about if seeing your son would help mend the wound in your emotional heart?

Every day I wake up I ask myself what I want to do when I grow up. Problem is I have not grown up yet. I guess I am going to have to start living now.

I dont have a therapist in england, mental health isn't a big issue :/