I am scared

Hi everyone,

I am scared. I am curled up in a ball wearing diapers to self soothe and hugging a pillow and crying. This just doesn't get easier for me. Who resorts to wearing diapers to self soothe? I am a grown adult male who feels like a child and in all honesty - is a child. I just don't get how people function. I have gaps of common knowledge and life experiences and it sets me years apart from my age group...

I don't feel safe anywhere doing anything. I don't trust my DBT team... I don't trust my family or friends... Everyone is out for themselves and I am better off avoiding everyone...

I am alone and I suddenly realize it...

I am scared.

talk yourself out of it with positive words going through your head.

Sorry you feel so alone...I know what that feels like

Everyone is out for themselves. You can only rely on yourself. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that.

That sucks... Having those gaps, most of us know what you mean. I count myself lucky because of how I was raised by someone who taught me life skills and surviving. So while a lot of the time I do so want to lay down, give up, and have mom save me, I can fall back on my survival skills.

Never heard of that as a self soothe option. Mine are the obvious ones... Sugar, and nssi, hopefully nothing destroyed that's important... For less urgent pain, catnap in sunlight, not too hot, and the smell of febreeze.

Hi HD, I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now

And......."Who resorts to wearing diapers to self soothe?"
OK, it obviously isn't one of the most common self soothing methods, but that doesn't mean that there aren't going to be others doing it too. And who has the right to criticize what other people need to use to self soothe anyway if you're not hurting anyone, which you're not
So if that's what it's taking to get you through right now, then please try not to be critical of yourself over that.
But of course you (and we!!) would prefer it if you weren't struggling so much regardless anyway, right??
So if we can try to help............

"I have gaps of common knowledge and life experiences and it sets me years apart from my age group..."
You know, you really don't have to fit into "average's" of your age group, to matter just as much as the rest of them, and there will be plenty of other people who don't fit into "average's" either in whatever ways.............even if not all of them have as much courage to talk about their differences as you.
But common knowledge can be built on, you can do that.........sometimes it can take time/lots of work, successes, failures .........to build on it but possible to improve on that nevertheless.
And life experience........well if that isn't there as much, there are going to be other things you're strong at............and maybe other things that you're stronger at than others with life experience e.g. coping with adversity, being able to empathize with others not doing so well..........and that's just for starters!!! Some of those things you might be able to give, express or show, might be of massive help to some people in your age group.
If you're thinking you're standing out to others/not able to relate to them or them to you because of lack of life experience though........then you don't always necessarily have to have had to have lived it to be able to understand, empathize, relate to others/have them relate to you...........sometimes using empathy and showing others (the big thing!!) can close gaps.
As for trusting people........if you're not able to fully trust people then maybe you can decide on some areas you can trust them on e.g. you don't feel you can trust x with telling them how you feel but you can trust them/rely on them to do.........which might be helpful to you????

And lastly, as I've probably gone on enough ..........the feeling alone.........being here on PC..........you're not alone, anytime you need to talk.........

Alison

hun
I am a bit older then you and have learned that it really doesn't matter what other people think, what matters is what gets you through the day that is not self-destructive is ok. You are coping as best you can.

Know that I am around to talk whenever you need me.

Thank you all for the replies.

I appreciate it so much!

Avlady: I will take your advice and try positive thought replacement. I have been trying to use DBT skills to do that - but it is so hard when there is just so much negative up there... It's like I cannot run away from my thoughts and I end up walking around aimlessly throughout the day - NOT at all present - and then the week is gone and I am worse because I haven't learned to tolerate the thoughts... Terrible. I will try to replace thoughts with positive ones. I am sick of being a mindless zombie when I am distressed.

Kimaya: The thought that everyone is out for themselves is just so hard for me to accept - but I agree it is true! It's as if I am waiting for someone to come into my life that is exempt from that. Perhaps I need to tell my therapist that she needs to be that for me at this time - otherwise I cannot work with her. I have yet to find someone exempt from this and in my mind - I feel so alone because of it. I feel like I'm the only good natured person sometimes - who avoids the world because he simply cannot and will not function well out there... I know we could all argue that we are all good people at heart - but the fact is - people make decisions that benefit themselves at the expense of others and that makes me sick to my stomach... I try so hard NOT to become that - but I just can't anymore. In order to survive and function - we need to play the game of life... Unfortunately for me - I am at a disadvantage where this is concerned because I truly am a good natured person and it goes against my own concept of right and wrong... (I hope this makes sense)

I want a Mom. I am partly ashamed of this but I have this deeply rooted need to be held and comforted and protected from the scary world around me... I really feel like collapsing into people's arms and just howling in tears. I don't belong on this planet. I am too sensitive and I get hurt everywhere I go. People take advantage of me - and I think I can win and stay on top - but I just cannot ever win because it is not who I am...

Frankbtl: I am trying to let go of using diapers as a comfort... I have asked my DBT group facilitators if I could try wearing them to groups in order to lessen anxiety I have. It's been tough trying to talk in groups - and now it will get worse with recent circumstances between myself and other group members...

I think you are right about life experiences and knowledge. I learned a lot reading your post! It was very insightful. Thank you for taking the time for the lengthy response! I will be reflecting on it periodically.

Technigal: Sometimes I forget to accept that I am doing the best I can... Thank you for the reminder I needed it. I will hold onto that from this point forward. I wish I knew how NOT to care what other people think... My mind resorts to suicidal ideation when I suspect someone does not like me or believe me about something. It's amazing how much dependency I place on others in relation to my own self worth... My therapist asked me recently, "Why do you give others that kind of power over you?" I didn't know what to say except to say that if I could change it - I would... I think it is deeply ingrained in me... Any advice with dealing with this? Were you always able to think that way?

Thanks all,
HD

When I lost my baby I was given a teddy bear, not to replace my baby but to have something to hold onto. I suggest you get your own bear to hold and cuddle when you need to. It really works.

Like I said it has taken years and years for me to accept myself and tell others to go to hell. It wasn't easy but as I grew to like myself and acknowledge the abuse I lived through I was able to stop caring. I do care what my husband and son think but that is all. And my husband is very supportive of me.

Technigal,

I am so sorry to hear about your baby... I never knew that about you. I assume you still have the same bear? Is it associated with the loss and comfort that it provided at the time? When you cuddle the bear - do you feel warm inside? Like that feeling of emptiness that invades sometimes and you need to quell it somehow so you reach out for the bear? Do you mean that you had to accept the part of yourself that needs a bear for comfort and self soothing? I am so happy to hear your family supports you...

I've been holding onto a fluffy pillow and wrapping my entire body around it like I was a child wrapped around a parent... It sometimes feels like someone is hugging me back. That in a fetal position while wearing a diaper is the most wholesome feeling I can manufacture by myself. I get a very empty feeling in my chest and stomach whenever I need a hug - it's a physical pain and it's definitely associated with anxiety and loneliness.

I wish I had someone to hold onto. I think that would be therapeutic. Perhaps one day I will meet a therapist who is willing to do that for me.

Thanks,
HD

Yes to all your questions. There are still times now, 4 years later, that my arms feel empty and I hold my bear. My husband usually notices and will cuddle behind me but the bear is what I am needing.

HD - I hope you're doing better

HD

You're in a difficult situation. You've had a lot going on in the very recent past. A very turmulous end to a relationship by someone who honestly gave you very weak reasons for leaving you.

You are right, sometimes it doesn't feel like it gets easier on us, no.

For me, personally, the word "trust" is a very difficult term to grasp my head around. I find it hard to trust others too.

You've described a number of emotions that you are going through at the moment - alone, scared, don't trust anyone ... it's emotional torture for you.

I think that as you begin to process what has been happening, not only recently, but also certain things in your past, you can and will begin to feel this emotional torture begin to heal itself.

It helps to post here too and get feedback from members

We're here for you always.

In my session on Monday I specifically requested that there be a blanket. I also wore diapers to session. I told my therapist this and I covered up in the blanket and showed her my "little" side... At least that is what she referred to it as. I think we really hit on a theme that will help me to trust her and attach... She says we need to co-parent my little and meet his needs. She said to identify the little's needs wants and desires and that we would work on meeting them. This stuff fascinates me. I never thought she would play along with this little side but she says she sees it a lot in therapy. I wonder how often. Apparently it means that I have a little child in me that yearns for attention and love and nurture... Definitely something I relate to. My problem is I do it too much and never seem to "grow up." So she is helping me to grow up now. She said if we work on the youngest little part of me we can rule out diapers and move onto something a bit more age appropriate like a blanket... I already got that but maybe I can learn to stop wearing diapers to protect myself from the scary world...

I wore diapers to group today and felt far more secure than without. It was a positive experience. I will wear them for awhile yet until I get some confidence but hopefully I can learn not to need them...

I feel like a child is what I told her... And she said thats okay - we need to listen to the little...

Anyone else do this kind of work in therapy?

I have done inner child work in the past. It was helpful with dealing with the abuse. Not easy though.

I spent 9 years in therapy and "growing up". Even though it was extremely painful at the end it helped me move forward. Just be careful about attachment. It is what destroyed my therapeutic relationship. He had to fire me so I could detach. It was horrible. Just be careful and keep your guard up.

I am glad that your therapy is helping. I think that your therapist has really good skills to help you nurture this side of you that needs nurturing and taking care of. And I think that once you have these needs met, you are right, you will slowly learn how to move on to things that are more age appropriate, with time, and with the right skills that your therapist will help you with. I hope this is a positive step forward for you in getting your emotional needs met

Technigal: I would love to hear more about the inner child work you did! Feel free to private message me or post on here. I hope you are doing better.

DancingLady: You are so right about the 'careful about attachment' part. Strangely enough - my therapist told me that in the last session. I keep saying that I am afraid to get attached to her because despite how angry and mistrustful I am towards the DBT clinic - I still have this intense need to attach... She said not to think about it as attachment but instead to think about it like a connection.

I would very much like to hear more about your experiences with 'growing up' in therapy. This is somewhat new ground for me in the therapy world - please private message me or post on here! From what I recall - you said that in the past - you were working with a therapist and you managed to get your inner child's age up to the double digits or so - then your therapist had to go and you felt like you never could return to that growing process. Am I remembering correctly or am I making a mistake and confusing you with someone else? The whole concept of arrested development.

Hooligan: I hope I can get my emotional needs met too... I have realized with this therapist that I am subconsciously looking for a mother figure at all times... I have known this for some time - but I never really acknowledged and validated it as a genuine need that holds such important insight into my psyche... I absolutely do not trust my therapist (for good reason) but when she talks to me like a child and fulfills this need in some way - I melt in her presence and all of that mistrust goes out the window... It is actually VERY scary because I never considered myself as naive - but this to me indicates that all it takes is a lovely nurturing woman and I will literally lose myself and bend over backward for them. I always thought this was primarily my borderline issues flaring up but now I think there is more to it...

Do you get your emotional needs met?

Yes, I think I can see what you mean by looking for a mother figure, and I'm glad that this need is now going to be met through therapy to help you to heal from old wounds

There are a lot of people that I don't trust either, but hopefully as your therapist begins to do this good work with you, you will begin to learn to trust a little, as it sounds to me based on what you have said that your therapist has your interests at heart and only wants what is best for you.

I have a yes, and a no to whether or not my emotional needs are being met. Yes, in some ways, no, in other ways. I'm kind of on the fence with that question.

Your not alone. There are millions of ab/dl's out there. Over the last 6 months or so I have also been resorting to wearing diapers nearly 24/7 (with the exception of work) due to a great deal of stress and depression. It took me years to learn to accept that I like wearing diapers without feeling guilt or like I was somehow broken.

There is so much I want to express I'm finding it hard to untangle all of the thoughts and emotions. I guess the biggest thing I want to say is that I've been in your situation and it does get easier with time.

There is no difference between a man who needs diapers because of a physical problems and one with emotional wounds. Wearing diapers for self soothing is nothing to be ashamed of. Like others have said it doesn't hurt anyone and it gives you comfort. That is what is important. It is difficult to reconcile the belief of what society expects men to be and then confronting the desire to find comfort in diapers. It somehow always made me feel like I could never live up to the standards of being a real man. I think this is why many ab/dl's have a assertive in charge side they show the world and a little that most never see. I always feel diffrent from everyone else so wearing diapers reminds me of a time I was accepted for being who I was.

Exploring your little can be difficult. There is a whole community of Adult babies / Diaper lovers and I've found that everyone has their own reasons such as abuse or neglect or a feeling of not fitting in as well as personal limits. Some people experience arousal while for others it comforting, some like only diapers while others like to role play and or use other paraphernalia. If you decide to explore it within a group setting I would suggest having a discussion on what the boundaries that both you and the group feel comfortable with.

There are also sites on line to find mommies, these operate like many online dating sites but everyone shares the ab/dl desire. These range from the erotic to women who want to be mothers to bdsm. So i would suggest caution in choosing a mommie that is appropriate to your desires. Although I can't be any more specific this as I've never tried it myself.

I also wouldn't worry about wearing diapers in public, nobody notices unless you wear thicker ones like Dry 24/7, Northshore briefs or Abri form l4. There are also ways to manage the "crinkle" (the blog link below has an article about it somewhere.)

Here is an article dealing with wearing diapers in public specifically. Learning to Wear Diapers in Public - Adrian Surley

I would caution against a mommie therapist, particularly if there is any sexual arousal to wearing diapers. It may blur the line between ethical boundaries that may get her into trouble. At the very least it warrants a serious "adult" discussion before pursuing it farther.

Finally I would suggest reaching out to someone if you ever feel lonely or the desire to end your life. I've been there myself and the best advise I received was to look at diapers as a different choice in underwear. Some guys like tighty whities, others like boxers, me I enjoy diapers, Why make myself miserable over my choice in underwear.

One last piece of general advise is that if you are not in a relationship, when you do start dating inform your partner before you get serious about this desire. I'm not talking about blurting it out on the first date, but don't hide it either. Eventually she will find out and it is easier to end a relationship that has only just begun then it is to be called a freak or misunderstood by the woman you've been married to for 10 years.

Hey HD, how's it going?

Don't be ashamed. I'm almost 40 and I always want my mom. I'm sorry if you didn't get to experience that. While my moms not big on expressing her feelings it is undescribable to have the comfort of the love of a parent. I think many f us would love to regress to being cared for...

And yes, this ironic world..... Wants us to pull ourselves up by our bbootstraps or gets to label us weak and yet doesn't want us around. Makes it tough. They'd all falter like broken toys one crisis in our shoes.

One thing that gives me hope : humans are wired to feel good when helping other creatures.

Thanks for replies again!

Hooligan: I hope that I get my emotional needs met from my therapist. She did say that I may not get what I want from DBT. Obviously the whole testing piece and shaping / triggering aspect of DBT is not in line with providing nurturing love and care that I missed in childhood - but at least I will get the skills to learn to provide some of it on my own without the need of others... (I hope) I agree - I think this therapist has my best interest at heart - but I also know that there is a lot that has happened in DBT and I will never fully trust them... Long story. I love and hate my therapists. I literally hate them half of the day and love them the rest - and I have been stupid and made impulsive mistakes and sent rude emails and left mean voicemails when I was in emotion mind... I regret it and feel ashamed. It's such a hard cycle.

I am sorry that you have trust issues too. Do you feel that plays a part in your therapy as well as you private / public life? Have you learned to let your guard down? What emotional needs do you feel are not being met?

Living Dead Guy: Thank you for the lengthy post! I seem to recall you posting back and forth with me in previous threads about this ABDL topic. From what I remember you and I had a similar backstory and interest in these matters. I find it so interesting that people end up with similar deep rooted fantasies and obsessions. Have you done any dating? What is the consensus in your relationships in regards to your own ABDL interests?

Thank for you all the advice. In all honesty I feel as though revealing my interest in diapers has opened up my therapeutic alliance. My therapist is already learning how to get to my core. She has begun to speak to me as though I am a child and my issues are really starting to come out. It's amazing how much of a difference tone of voice can make to my desire to attach... I am soothed by a voice that is motherly and nurturing and I literally find myself wanting to melt and cry... It's that inner child / little that is wounded who is yearning for something and this whole diaper interest is a, 'channel,' for my therapist to access it from. I will not in anyway turn it into a sexual endeavor. She is a very ethical therapist and I think she can put two and two together that my sharing with her has primal roots, not centering around sexual satisfaction.

Kimaya: I appreciate the kind sentiments. Can you share what themes arise for you when you desire your mother? Is it to do with nurture? Support?Love? Comfort? Please elaborate I am more than interested in hearing your desires.

I agree with you how society pushes us to conform to a, 'always be strong,' mentality. I feel like such a failure for not being, 'a man,' and having to resort to these kinds of things... I am more a child than an adult and it's becoming more obvious as I get older. People seem to figure me out pretty quickly and it's amazing how much of an influence our psyche can have on our daily lives... Because I lacked nurture in my childhood - I am literally seeking it out through everything I do in my adulthood... I hope to meet these needs so that I no longer do this - because yes - I do want to function more age appropriately. (But I still have to learn to love my little inner child, and that is what I hope to do)

Thanks,
HD

You're still awesome (((HD)))