[jmiller02]

Hi all, I first want to thank everyone on here for the support and even just posting your stories. It has been a tremendous crutch in this healing process..seeking answers and understanding, being able to relate to similar experiences. I will give a quick breakdown of my story, and then propose my question. Thanks so much for reading..
So, I posted before about my more or less "common" BPD relationship. The most connected I have ever felt, talk of growing old together for years, right up until the end when one frustrated call caused her to do a 180. No closure, no empathy or explanation. Just another guy immediately.
As everyone else on here, I was shattered,shocked, no answers and couldnt make sense of it. I did the no contact thing for the first 2 months after my initial pleas and questioning following the break up. I just couldnt shake it though, I was in such despair. I broke down and emailed her asking "why?" How could she be so cold, and punishing, no closing words after years of professing love and soul mates, etc. I wasnt cruel, but made her feel bad that she could treat someone that way, let alone me who had been there for her in dark times. This made her feel shameful and so she called. She gave me a bunch of bs reasoning again, but I was able to look back clearly now and tell her I saw past the crap, and nothing justifies what she did, that I was nothing but good to her. She cried and said I was right, she is broken and was sorry. I told her that in knowing her so well, and everything I read, that I thought she had BPD. She was receptive as she knows something isnt right. She asked how it would affect her boys, etc. She even said thank you for planting the seed.
I felt good, like I had my closure. Two days later, I hit a low that I have NEVER experienced. I was in the fetal position in my bed in a darkness. I am sad to admit that I turned suicidal and wrote her another email. I said she should know what she did to me, she should feel the guilt. She ended up calling me, which I ignored for a while, I was just blank and didnt care anymore. I eventually answered and she was frantic, wanting to help, calling my family etc. It was a big ordeal, but it lead to my actual closure. I asked her why again, how I meant nothing so quickly and how I was suicidal and she mourned none, had another man.
She cried so deeply, and said she loved me so effing much, and it scared her. She never wanted to feel left again. (our demise was a phone call in which I said I wanted to assess things after a suicidal meltdown of hers). She felt abandonment and couldnt take it. She said she doesnt know who she is or why she does things, and that she is sad every day of her life. Then, the big revelation, the final piece to the puzzle that I was already sure was BPD...she said she is broken and has hated herself since a kid when she would look in the mirror.
I literally went from staring at a bottle of aspirin I was going to consume, to immense empathy and compassion for this woman I cared for so much for so long. It was no longer about my hurt, but the realization and understanding of what she is going through. I have read so much on what its like for them, and although their actions to us nons are cruel, and lack empathy, I realize she is in survival mode under the mask, and she is not thinking of my feelings. The next guy is feeding her need for affection when she thought I would leave.
Now my question, do I reach out and help? Offer to be a support in any way, tell her again about seeking help for BPD? Let her know Im not mad, just care for her as a person, as always. Perhaps I am too kind, but I cant bear the thought that she is suffering daily and I am prob the only one who has seen that deeply and know how to help. There is a high suicide rate with BPD as well, and I dont know that I could deal with that knowing I didnt try. She was receptive before, and it has to come from within her..but I want to write her a letter after things have cooled down (she blocked me on FB after the suicidal thing) and tell her Im still the caring man I always was, and that she doesnt have to be ashamed or feel vulnerable with me. Let her know I see how she feels. I just KNOW for a fact that she felt more comfortable with me than anyone else ever(she would tell her sisters, and they told me), I also know the extreme, unusual circumstances in the end lead her to telling me about the self loathing all her life.
I know there is a lot of hurt nons on this forum, but I dont view her in an angry manner as I did now that I see the true hurting girl inside. I want nothing more than to be a support to her in this endeavor also. Any thoughts would be appreciated, especially from BPD sufferers. Thanks!

[lavendersage]

Well, I can't say what I think that you should do. I think I have borderline - lol - I'm the last person to know what to advise you in a way! Not equipped.

I can tell you that if anyone were ever that understanding towards and showed as much compassion to me, I would hope to everloving God that I'd take the olive branch offered as it's all I've ever dreamed of - wanted. Somebody to love me in spite of myself..

You seem like you have a good heart. I wish you well.

[jmiller02]

Should I post this elsewhere?

[lavendersage]

Hi. Not necessarily though maybe; I'm not thoroughly versed in the site as yet. Perhaps there's a way for you to directly message and ask a forum moderator?

As someone who is likely borderline myself, I can tell you that the fact that many times nobody/hardly anybody comments/responds to my postings can make my abandonment ***** flip right off the chart but I have learned to tell myself that 1) it ain't all about me, 2) other people have their own stuff goin' on, and 3) sometimes it's hard to know exactly what to say/not to somebody.

I realize that, at least as far as I know, you don't have borderline. Nevertheless, a person in pain is a person in pain. I think it's universal that if you scream "OUCH!" you'd like it if someone were to say, "Hey - you ok?"

I heard you, if nothing else. Look around, see if you can ask a mod if there's some other forum area that you could post this.

((((hug))))

[jmiller02]

Lavender-
Your response was great, and wanted to say thank you. Especially coming from a BPD. I know she painted me black after my suicidal situation, blocked me from FB, and is with my replacement. Do you think she would just look down on me for trying to leave the door open? I dont want a response from her..but dont want to push her further into hiding either. Thank you in advance

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by jmiller02

Lavender-
Your response was great, and wanted to say thank you. Especially coming from a BPD. I know she painted me black after my suicidal situation, blocked me from FB, and is with my replacement. Do you think she would just look down on me for trying to leave the door open? I dont want a response from her..but dont want to push her further into hiding either. Thank you in advance

I want to help you - I know you're in pain. Here's the thing, though. It's like you having a suitcase full of cocaine and asking me, a raging drug addict (which I am not: this is purely for analogy purposes), "Hmmm...what do you think I should do about this?" Man, lol, I'd be (am) ill-equipped.

I'm a big believer in ask the qualified, non-head-up-their-butt experts. (They don't grow on trees so do what you can to get a personal recommendation from somebody who's judgment you both respect and trust.) People with borderline.....ehhhh...not so sure we're the audience to poll. People who have been in your shoes are going to come at it from their particular subjective perspective. A professional's perspective is supposed to be (not that it's always the case....) objectively viewing and advising bearing in mind "first, do no harm".

Or, at least, that's how I think a professionals perspective [in ANY profession] who's worth a second glance should be.

[Trippin2.0]

Well if I were your ex, I would actually feel insulted.


Simply because you chose to use the word "obligated"


I absolutely love it that I have someone, whether friends or my bf, who's there for me when I'm at my worst, but if I even smelled a hint of obligation from these people I would tell 'em where they could shove it.


So, this is what I think.


If you genuinely care about her and want to be there for her, regardless of where that leads, that's good, that's nice, that's very decent of you. Do it.


If you only want to do it because you feel obligated (for whatever reason) to save her from herself, or whatever, don't.

[lavendersage]

I must have missed the word "obligated" when I read the original post and I can't take the time right now to re-read it so if, in fact, that word is in there as your motivation....I have to agree with Trippin.

Don't do it out of "obligation". Do it because it comes from a pure place in your heart (oh my God the corn ball level just shot through the ROOF here - ) but, hey, I do think places like that exist in each of us - I don't give a damn HOW messed up or not anybody is. If it doesn't come from that place, don't.

Doesn't help her or you, though you may not feel that way for a while after you'd done something.

[jmiller02]

I completely agree on the obligation part. Poor choice of words on the title. It is coming from a genuine place of compassion though, like I said in the post itself. I always gave her my all and wanted her best before we grew into more than platonic. Pure intentions this time, with no expectation of hearing back. In fact, Im sure this would cause me to be painted black further. Im so back and forth on when and if I should send!!!

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by jmiller02

Lavender-
Your response was great, and wanted to say thank you. Especially coming from a BPD. I know she painted me black after my suicidal situation, blocked me from FB, and is with my replacement. Do you think she would just look down on me for trying to leave the door open? I dont want a response from her..but dont want to push her further into hiding either. Thank you in advance

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Well if I were your ex, I would actually feel insulted.


Simply because you chose to use the word "obligated"


I absolutely love it that I have someone, whether friends or my bf, who's there for me when I'm at my worst, but if I even smelled a hint of obligation from these people I would tell 'em where they could shove it.


So, this is what I think.


If you genuinely care about her and want to be there for her, regardless of where that leads, that's good, that's nice, that's very decent of you. Do it.


If you only want to do it because you feel obligated (for whatever reason) to save her from herself, or whatever, don't.

Originally Posted by jmiller02

I completely agree on the obligation part. Poor choice of words on the title. It is coming from a genuine place of compassion though, like I said in the post itself. I always gave her my all and wanted her best before we grew into more than platonic. Pure intentions this time, with no expectation of hearing back. In fact, Im sure this would cause me to be painted black further. Im so back and forth on when and if I should send!!!

More than one good therapists in my life said you are never to send/do ANYTHING until you absolutely, with 100% conviction can honestly say that you don't care WHAT.SO.EVER. if you get any kind of response. Anything less than 100% - don't do it.

And I believe in the wise-ness of that tenet to my core. It's stopped me from doing many a thing, sending many a text, email, etc.

[Trippin2.0]

I've always subscribed to the thought process of "When in doubt, Don't".


Learned it from my mother at a young age, have close friends who subscribe to it too, and so far, I cannot say that it has ever steered me or anyone I love wrong.