[AtreyuFreak]

I haven't posted in a while, but here goes. I was diagnosed borderline at 15 (I'm now 23), so I'm fairly used to all the joys (ha) of being Borderline. I match almost every criteria for BPD, which includes forming intense bonds with people I don't know very well. I'm high-functioning and in therapy, so I know how to "play it cool", not come off as intense or creepy. In the past, I've formed bonds with women I consider surrogate mothers; I've only ever had 'borderline attachments' with mother figures, and it's never sexual. I am fully aware of my mommy issues, so I have no doubt that's why I become attached to older, nurturing women.

It's been a few years since I've formed a bond with a new surrogate. Only problem is, this time it's not a teacher or coworker; it's one of my bosses. We have an interesting relationship. Her daughter is bipolar, and my real mom is bipolar. At work, I call my boss 'mom' and she refers to me as her daughter (it's kinda an inside joke). I'm terrified that I'll say the wrong thing and I'll get in trouble at work, even though I know she wouldn't intentionally get me in trouble. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this. I can't seem to control my emotions or maintain my facade when she's around, and she knows something's going on. I have been a little depressed lately, and she picks up on stuff like that. Things nobody else notices. What do I do? Try to keep my distance so I don't say something stupid? Or just answer her questions?

[CANDC]

Hi. I am glad you have an understanding boss. I would be worried if you are using your boss as a therapist. Bosses run businesses and they have bosses that ask them to report. If your need for support is seen by your boss as a drag on her performance it could be seen as a detrimental thing.

If you have a therapist I would talk about this right away. If you don't I would consider getting one. If you need a therapist, get one rather than risk jeopardizing your job. You can always water down answers to your boss. You cannot go back once you cross an invisible boundary by revealing or depending on her too much.

If you don't have a therapist "Ask the Therapist" is a volunteer based question and answer exchange as the volunteers are able. You submit a question and they may be able to answer.
Ask the Therapist

[AtreyuFreak]

Here's the therapist situation. I was seeing one five years ago, then I lost my job and health insurance, so I couldn't afford it. I decided in May to go off my anti-depressant, and go back to therapy. I was seeing a wonderful therapist for about two months, and then she moved to a new practice. So I went back to my therapist from five years ago. We've only had two sessions, the first being "catch me up on the last five years" and the second being treatment plan/goals. So the simple answer is we haven't gotten to it yet. But I will make it a point to talk to her about this, because I don't wanna lose my job or get hospitalized again.

You basically confirmed everything I'd been trying to convince myself of in the first place. Sometimes it's hard to figure out which voice is the borderline and which is the Vulcan (logical, practical, realistic, etc). It helps to have someone else tell you which voice to listen to, if that makes sense.

My boyfriend explained a possible explanation as to my boss's excessive curiosity. We work together, and our job is demanding and we often deal with upset and verbally abusive customers. Coworkers have broken down, and not infrequently, because of the abuse and drama we deal with on a daily basis. More than one has committed suicide in the last five years. I didn't know this until he told me, because he's been there about five years longer than I have. In May, right before (yes, before) I went off anti-depressants (under my p doc's supervision, before you get worried), I had a bit of a meltdown. I didn't do anything extreme this time, so I hope that means I'm getting better, but people at work noticed. Like a switch got flipped, I went from over-talkative adhd super friendly people pleaser to angry, withdrawn, silent, and seemingly uncaring. Coworkers noticed immediately, and I didn't know why they were acting so weird around me until my boyfriend told me about all the suicides within our department.

Because my depressive episodes always present with eerily consistent characteristics (withdrawing, not talking, not smiling, hardly eating and pretty much just shutting down and curling up into a little ball to wait it out), quite a few people have noticed that I'm acting much like I did in May. I'm handling it better this time, and nobody knows what I'm really feeling (including my boyfriend). Hopefully this explains why I'm worried about my boss being nosy.

That being said, you're absolutely right. She's my boss, not my therapist. I've been repeating it to myself over and over like a mantra. This is making me feel crazy! I've been talking to myself in public and everything. Guess that's what you get when you bottle everything up. More work for the therapist, I guess. No matter what I'm going through, it's not my boss's problem; I'm sure she has enough of her own. I know logically that she doesn't need to know what's going on, she's probably just covering her butt in case something happens. But it's so damn hard to keep my mouth shut when she asks me what's going on. Ugh! This constant internal struggle is exhausting (which is kinda ironic cause the last four times she asked, I told her I was tired). Also, as soon as I recognized that I'd put myself in another surrogate situation, I cut off my end of the relationship (which is only at work anyway); I don't look for her or ask for her, I don't talk about her (except this post) or initiate conversations with her. I don't even sit by her in the breakroom. What's making this difficult, is that when I'm working, I can't leave my station (except for illness, bathroom, or other emergency). So when she comes by me to see how well I'm doing my job, I can't go anywhere. And I can't ignore her, cause she's my boss. So the only thing I can do is lie and hope she forgets all about me before this one backfires too. I know how these things have turned out in the past, and I don't want something to go wrong again.

I don't even know how to bring any of this up to my therapist. Where do I start? Hi, I'm crazy, always have been and always will be?

[AtreyuFreak]

I'm sorry for the novel

[CANDC]

Hi I am glad you are facing reality. Just tell your therapist what you have discussed here and ask her how to define boundaries with your boss.

Also if you are in a stressful environment, and you had such a negative reaction to withdrawing from meds, would it be worth talking to the pdoc and see if maybe total withdrawal is too much.

I would be very careful about changes when you are feeling so emotional. Talk to T and PDoC

[ShineYourLight]

well first i believe you need to take care of the part where you,"say something stupid"...i delt with this issue alllll the time probably way worse then you. I was considered socially awkward. so my social skills consisted of making others feel uncomfortable around me. So yea i said stupid things all the time. it was really weird and i hated it. So this issue should get taking care of and i believe that once that is taking care of, youll find a lot of peace inside of you. A LOT. So in order to do this you need to start at the core or the bottom. THE DEEP stuff. The stuff that are deep. The reason why doctors and therapist say their deep is because they are hard to find! We search and search inside ourselves and find nothing! Thats why they move to the next step and say why dont you just start serving people or getting motivated. yes these are techniques that could help. If you want try to accept the good and bad of you. In order to do this first. YOU NEED TO START SHOWING OTHERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. your mom dad brother sister co-worker that you hate, anyone that you hate, people people peopl. People that you judge to be weird or nerd or jock or w/e your case is. Show other people unconditional love all the time, then show yourself unconditional love