Do I have BPD?

I have been struggling with my self for years. I know that i am not like others. I took the Sanity Quiz attached to this website and it said i had a score of 100 for BPD. I read about it and it sounds exactly like me. However I dont trust myself as much as I dont trust others, which is to say very little. So I need the feedback of others who dont know me at all. Here is a little background. I come from a family with a mom who suffers from major depression and would purposely withhold affection so that I wouldn't turn out gay. My dad was diagnosed schizotypal, and depressed. They were both addicts of drugs, alcohol, tabacco, and my dad was a sex addict. My father's addictions ended up killing his liver and after spending eight years in and out of hospitals from the damage he'd done, he finally died when I was 15 years. I had a group of close friends in high school but the ditched me for no reason and since then I have slowly stopped having friends, now I have none. I had a girlfriend whom I loved very quickly, then I would break up with her because I felt suffocated, or would just get angry at her for no good reason, then I would love her again and want to get back together. We did this over and over until we got married at 21 years old.

I went through about a dozen employers from the time I was 16 until 19. That's when I joined the Army. I went back and forth about whether to stay in or get out. I did two deployments one in Kosovo (2002-2003) and one in Iraq (2004-2005). I came back a depressed wreck. That's when things got really messy. I would have fits of rage that were beyond control, I would go into a crippling depressive state. I feel like I need to clarify here, when I say "beyond my control" I mean that it feels like I am not doing any of my actions and thus really can not stop. Not to get to deep in the weeds in this but I have had issues with this same thing when I was a child and would fist fight everyone I thought had slighted me.

My wife has threatened to leave my for years. Not just because of my mood swings but also because when I do something wrong I will try to manipulate the situation to not be my fault. I didn't realize I did this until she pointed it out recently. Every since she started doing that I have completely shut her out. I don't mean to, but there's a voice in my head that says she hates me. So I push her away. I haven't any friends because they all just leave so I don't want them. I push everyone away. I, like my parents, am addicted to everything: drugs, alcohol, tabacco, sex, sugar. These addictions i can control mostly but become exasperated when I'm depressed or angry. If I can't find some form of gratification when I feel too much then I will cut my self. The latter scares even me because I dont feel in control during these times. I have been I therapy for a year. I have gone through three therapists in this time because all I ever hear for feed back is "stop doing that" or "look at it more positive" and my favorite " you're just wired different". I know these platitudes are because they know I messed up but don't know what to say.

Could you please give me your thoughts on this.

Thank you.

It's certainly possible, but a qualified therapist would be better equipped to ascertain such a thing and establish a plan of action for you. I'm sorry that you're here and that you've suffered so much.

Your mother denying you affection might have caused attachment issues.

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It sounds like you may meet the criteria for BPD but you might also meet the criteria for a different PD. Although unstable relationships and a pattern of black and white thinking are hallmarks of BPD. Self diagnosis is tricky though, and do be diagnosed with a PD you really need to be seeing a counselor, therapist, and/or psychiatrist. You may have some PTSD as well, even though some of this has been happening since you were a child, there's nothing to say you don't have PTSD from the way that your childhood was. Especially if you have BPD, which is really an emotional sensitivity. Growing up in an environment that dysfunctional could cause PTSD. Regardless of what your diagnoses are, it sounds like you could use some emotional regulation skills. Learning how to deal with overwhelming emotions makes life so much easier! You can google and read about DBT and learn a lot of the skill on your own but having a therapist helps too. DBT Self Help

Can anyone tell me where to find the sanity quiz? I tried to find it under quizzes, but couldn't!
Thanks!