aggravation

Indeed it is!

Ok look number one - I would never expect you to buy me anything. The comment you quoted there was taken midway through me trying to get myself heard at all and I also was not asking her to pay for my cab ride, I was asking if she would want to if it were her- and dancinglady and I both got through that in the end, please do not try to come stomping in on something as if (a) you know what i am thinking without ever having spoke with me before or (b) even having had anything to do with the situation you are blowing up about.

The link is awesome, thank you - no need for the melodrama

Secondly, the way I feel about emotional pain is simple - if it hurts it is significant. Now, when it comes to myself, when I was young - yes, I sat back and thought "you don't know what it is to hurt, have you had this that n the other happen?" but as i said in an earlier post when i was trying to help dancinglady a bit - i learned while there were times i felt that way about myself, there were also times i was humbled by others pain - but then as i got older, i realized: just because two people may have the same thing happen to them, doesn't mean they will react emotionally the same way - therefore, there is no real way to measure emotional pain - other than to say "if it hurts, its significant" so that's what i do now. So honestly, unless you are trying to pick a fight with me for reasons I really do not understand (after all I started this thread so I did have the right to attempt to make my voice heard AND me and dancinglady did work it out - and it was between she and i not you and i), I would appreciate advice or resources or etc but no more melodrama, thanks

PS If you read all my comments, I am sure you will have noted 2 things #1 even tho I do not have money to buy the books i go to a book store here that allows you to read them while you sit at the store #2 I stated I am doing what I can with what I have, I don't expect my counselors to just "make it all better" on their own but I sure don't expect them saying "you should not be surprised by the abuse your husband gives you, look how you treat him" is supposed to make anything better or telling me when i read a poem that i wrote regarding my feelings about a rape "you shouldn't write poetry" how that is supposed to be beneficial - these are things i was talking about, judge me for expecting more outta them if you want - but i can get that from my family (and I never asked them or anyone to "change" me - just "help" me)

We are considering Maine or Oregon

I agree 1000% with that!

Honestly, it had nothing to do with my emotional state at the time - however, we DO all take things differently (written or not) but online its even harder to tell the intent because you cannot see the facial expression nor hear the voice tone - which, is why i state how i perceive rather than accuse - thereby allowing the person a chance to respond and clarify. It truly seems to me you are trying hard to pick a fight with me. You keep finding little ways to come at me.

NO on Maine lousy mental health services. Oregon maybe. What about Washington state there they will have tons of mental health resources.

#2 slow down. We are not your counsellors again you are so angry at your counselor for not validating you you are about ready to explode.

I second that!

The reasons I want to move aren't just about mental health care, there are various things we are looking at. You are right I am very upset with my counselor (which was why I made this post), but the way things got started off btwn u and i got me defensive too about my right to have those feelings and then once i started dropping that guard cuz i thought u n i had ironed things out - lost started in on me too, so yes i am extremely touchy. I can take advice and etc but when things are said which seem like my feelings or thoughts are "not allowed" - that sets me off, especially since when a person creates a thread i thought that person was supposed to be allowed to get themselves heard, or at the very least express their feelings without being ridiculed for them. In certain parts of this thread I felt very ridiculed and as if I had a "gag order" from humanity at times, because this was the one place I thought I could talk and I was being squelched even here.

I was trying to help you not invalidating your feelings. In fact in some of the posts I put maybe not "no you are wrong to feel the way you feel". I am not a counselor so as a fellow BPD sufferer I will make mistakes as all of us do. You just seem to have a short fuse with anybody that does not say "you poor darling that mental health team is very bad. You poor thing. That is going to last just so long. You have already told all of us you have gone through every other therapist your insurance will cover for "one reason or another". When does the focus for change go to you. If you want sympathy please post all I want is sympathy. I want to hear how everyone has hurt me. I want to get sympathy for all the bad things that have happened. Ok no problem. I will give you that. Now how's that working for you. How are u going to approach your mental health team now.

Ok here is some insight what your therapist is probably thinking is "I am in this to help her move forward. She wants to stay miserable. That is not what I do. She wants you to come up with a game plan to help yourself. What behavior thought or feelings do you want to learn or change. ". She is not in the business of letting her patients stay stuck.
Why are people here - to hear how to stop being stuck. If my advice and resources are not wanted people tell me and I leave them alone. Your choice. Now that you are steaming think how can I manage the anger towards dancing lady. Here some tips - deep breathe, count to 10, block me, look at a very detailed picture and pick out all of the colors and items, meditate, get a photo and stick pins in my face, get a big pillow imagine me and punch it ALOT. There that should be enough. I will give you sympathy I will validate your feelings but I will also kick you in the behind if it means you move forward and out of the pain. You see I am not a counselor because I still believe in kicking butt. I once was a counselor. I turn my career around because it is easier to chop down trees and demo building if they don't do right. People frown on chopping people off at the knees. LOL. This is a professional joke.

Ever notice there are 1,125 people reading this post. Maybe two reasons and I liked to think it is the only one. They are getting something positive from what we are saying or 2 they just want to see who backs down from this verbal conversation we are having. Oh well whichever. Oh by the way of 1,125 people only two others care about you enough to post their feelings. Remember we validate all posters feelings whether we agree with them or not. You are not the only one posting your feelings here!!!!!!!!

I never said you invalidated - but I did at times feel my feelings were not allowed simply because all you were willing to "listen to" was "what your experiences and knowledge" gave you - but in order to give personal advice you need to know the personal details. You weren't letting me differentiate my life from your own life or whatever other lives your knowledge came from. I needed to be able to do that. Yes, at the beginning of this posting that was very much happening. After you and I spoke a bit we finally got things smoothed over and we were talking fine. I am sorry your advice I was not able to take. Now, I didn't think you truly wanted to get into a dictation of why I left each counselor nor did I think it was part of your or anyone else's business. However, since it seems to be a themed way of poking the "justified judgement" finger of "you are just a whiny brat" at me - fine, i will detail as much as i can remember. There is some I blocked out.

Mom died when I was 12 - that's when all the traumas started (I will not detail them here because it would tske too long I am sure you can find them on other posts of mine if you search). I was given I think 6mo of sessions (maybe?) when I was 15 or 16 not sure - but I do remember anytime I said anything, I got told what a bad child I was by my therapist and that my stepmom and dad were not in the wrong at all. (There was a lot of abuse going on). My stepmom was in the room at every session so I got to where I learned to not say anything other than what I knew they wanted to hear. After that, even as an adult, everyone always said "nothing is wrong with you", "you just exaggerate how bad things are" etc when i would try to explain to anyone how i was feeling inside and i really did not understand how to seek out a counselor on my own - especially after i moved to a new state when i was 19. I just kept bottling things - until I came here in Tennessee, someone me up with an appointment with a therapist. I liked that therapist and opened myself completely to her. Then I showed up one day for my appt and the office said "sorry, she no longer works here, she has her own personal office now". When I asked for her new info, they refused to give it to me. They never set me up with a new therapist at that point bc all their therapists were full. I really had no clue about how insurance worked on that stuff at the time and the girl I lived with said that was the only office in the city we lived. It was, but I was unaware there were a few others that insurance would have allowed because it was when I was still working. So, I just took her at her word and went 2more years without therapy. Until my first suicide attempt. Then the hospital set me up with a new therapist. This therapist I went to for a year, but at the end of the year, she decided I no longer needed care. I went another 6mo without therapy, ended up in hospital again with another suicide attempt. The counselor they set me up with this time, I was never able to be open with - she cut me down all the time. Told me my child was better off without me anyway so it was good my dad had made sure I had given him up for adoption. Told me I hadn't really had it that bad, she'd had clients who'd been through a lot worse and were a lot better than me. Etc. So, I learned not to tell her anything cuz if I did, she just twisted it to make it sound like I was evil. That one lasted 6mo. She decided I no longer needed treatment. (I never cease my own treatment) I went another 3mo before I got put in the hospital again. This time I opted to have my insurance put me on a home health care psych nurse program. I liked her. She was with me until I lost my job. Then I lost my job and was with another therapist - this was the one that told me n my ex husband that it was not my fault, i just dont know how to treat people and i m too old to learn to change now so i should not have any life relationships - including friendships and should just stay clear of people as much as possible and he may want to consider leaving me. I was with her a year before she decided I no longer needed care. I was without care for the next 2 years. Then came a man who I tried to open up to by way of my poetry since I am not good at speaking about private things to men I do not know on a good level. He glanced at the first poem. It was about the way I felt because of being raped - he didn't comment on the content or feeling behind it. He told me I write poetry horribly. I never tried to open up to him on a personal type level again, I would try to talk about my abusive marriage - to which he would generally defend my ex husband. That one ended because I had to move to another district, so my case got transferred. Then she barely got to know me before she decided I no longer needed care. I went several more years (don't remember if 2 or 3) before coming back to the same woman - that was great as individual, then she wanted me to bring in my ex husband once and since he was dissatisfied with his counselor and we wanted to work on our relationship, i suggested he ask her to take him in as well. He did - but she decided to take us on as relationship counseling rather than one on one. It ended badly because we had realized we needed to lay all the cards on the table, bare - as ugly as they were, for her to see if we were to attempt to save this relationship. What that amounted to was - him verbally n emotionally n psychologically abusing me n me having 3 different internet affairs on different occassions. We had been together at that point for 8yrs and really wanted to give it one last try. When we laid out all the cards her answer was to look at him and say "no wonder you treat her that way, any self-respecting man would!" then look at me and say "how can you treat anyone that way and not expect to them to be upset and lash out aggressively?" and tgen look back at him and say "i am sorry you have gone through this for so long, nobody deserves that" and then just look back at me and shake her head. I tried to tell her about him swinging a nightstick baton at me just to stop an inch before impact, or the pepper spray an in inch in front of my eyes n open (before any affair happened) - but all she did was tell me it was all my fault. When we got home, his abuse got continuously worse until eventually I had to leave for the abuse shelter. The next therapist I got is the one I have now who likes to feign falling asleep or who doesn't even bother to notify me when my appts have been rescheduled. Now, my choices are limited because of my insurance but are further limited because of MSHA policies and I refuse to go back to the ones I have had a negative experience with. The one just prior to this one has now retired anyway.

So - now you have the information (I can recall) regarding the ending of each relationship of each counselor - now you can point the "justified judgement" finger if you wish

I may not be the only one posting my feelings here but as the creator of this thread I am the one who is supposed to get support and has instead had to defend her right to get it for most of this thread.

Don't even know how you got to this response. I was talking about what your therapist might be thinking. I was trying to again let u see u need to help yourself. I don't know how else to say this. You have avoided that one topic throughout this thread. Everyone on this site starting a post or responding should have their feelings validated. Were you an only child? Just curious cuz I am one. If they have all said you don't need treatment then you don't. What do other BPD sufferers know the therapists are the ones who are supposed to figure out who needs therapy or not. Another note maybe they have all talked about your case and coming up with the same answer. You don't NEED therapy. You are on Medixare that has different rules than private insurance. You probably don't meet Medixare's criteria for needing therapy. Medicare may not cover BPD.

*hugs* to Crypts

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Here is a way to deal with aggravation. Go to the grocery store buy some root vegetables butternut squash potatoes parsnips go to library find a stew recipe peel and chop mindfully. Does wonders for getting emotions under control.

Ok - so you say you don't know how I came up with the response I did detailing my counselors? Take a look at what you said in here ...how many statements are there in defense of my counselors? Take a look at what I said a few times in this thread - I wanted to VENT about my feelings about my counselors. Since you were AGAIN not paying attention to the fact I wanted to vent (I didn't mind you flinging the advice once you stopped getting mad I was unable to use it bc I noticed all the VIEWS (not people) of this thread and thought maybe others could use it), I felt the need to defend myself entirely - and yet it seems I am still on trial by you. If you look in this thread I AM helping myself. Just because I am not doing what YOU advise doesn't mean I am doing nothing. I use lavender and rose and cedarwood essential oils. I use diaphragm breathing, muscle relaxation, visualization, vitamin d, excercise and sometimes poetry or arts. I go to the bookstore and read books and research online to find out about things I don't know. I am saving money by going to soup kitchen (which I don't particularly like doing because you can't always guarantee the quality of the food (meaning how fresh or out of date it will be) but i am doing it anyway to get to a better place in life). So again, just because I am not following your advice doesn't mean I am doing nothing nor does it mean I am not allowed to vent my feelings, which again- was why I made this thread originally.

Did you even bother to read this dancinglady, or did you just skip over it so you can continue crucifying me for your pleasure?

Great job. Now you are showing you are taking care of yourself. One I would never go on the side of therapists. If that is how it sounded sorry. I am on your side and help you to get better and move forward. We have figured out you are mad at your T but when you go back maybe stayed focused on what you are doing to take care of yourself. Keep on that subject. Maybe the session will go better. If she is a ______ and she does not engage with you just keep talking. It will at least keep her awake. LOL. If not quietly maybe in a louder voice so her supervisor can hear you. Then when the supervisor comments you could just say you weren't sure she could hear you over her snoring. You should really record her snoring. That is just too funny. I am pretty good at finding humor in T office.

No, I am not an only child - but I have no clue what that has anything to do with anything in this thread.

If I didn't need care anymore - why did I end up in the psych hospital again for "the same issues"? Oh, nevermind - that's me right? I got better, then decided I would reopen my old wounds again so I could drive myself into a nervous breakdown again - right? Have you ever considered, perhaps I, as someone who lives in this area and sees how doctors treat people around here (not just me), might just be a liitle more knowledgeable about the quality of medical service and mental health care service a person receives here?

I was upset that the entire post you never once validated my words and feelings DUH!!! It was so obvious what I was saying. It is so hard to kick you in the butt. LOL.

Thank you rainyday, needed that! *hugs* back at ya!

Again not what I meant. I think u ended up in hospital cuz you are stuck. Go make a stew

Lastly if I did not care about you I would have gave you a hug and left u in your misery. I now know that is all you want. I will restrain from talking to you just give you hugs.

She pulls her sleeping routine while I am talking and she knows my ways of helping myself and that I am consistant with it. She is also the supervisor of all the therapists - so I am just screwed when it comes to her so I just decide to try to plan things out instead while she plays her childish games.

You can talk - but sitting there and poking hot irons at me as you were (with your words) does rile me yes. I would think it would do the same to anyone. There is such a thing as trying to take into account another person's situation when you respond as well. What I felt coming from you was a picture of the idealistic world (which I don't live in) where counselors and doctors are awesome, there is always a way to obtain enough money for care and to get the appropriate kind of care, and if patients work with them they can truly get better and once they do are able to function in society well, but if they can't then either the patient isn't trying or gave up. In other words, it truly felt like you were saying - there is no way in which the fault can lie anywhere other than you not trying. Yes, sometimes a hug helps a lot and I see nothing wrong in that and I will not apologize for appreciating being given them. Talking though, can also be beneficial - but not barbing someone. Barbing is mostly damaging - even when done by counselors, I have way too much experience with that to not know.