Severe separation anxiety

Wow, so much to relate to today. I also think of myself as a monster - some kind of nameless chimera.

I used to think I was being controlled by an alter ego. I gave her a nickname, and told everyone to beware of her. Whenever I hurt someone in any way, I'd scream at myself from the tops of my lungs and punch myself repeatedly/bang into things. I too thought there was a monster trapped inside me that I thought I had to beat the living **** out of in order to make it go away.

I didnt and dont do that but i had alters (no loss of memory) as a kid. I think it was to say it was happening to someone else & I think its why i still feel so disconneted from it today & having trouble connecting to it today. I talk to my therapist about it like im talking about it happening to someone else...cause it sorta was to me.

I say Im a monster, like same catigory as serial killers because of what I have done, even if forced...i still got used to it and eventually didnt care and so i think thats the catigory i belong.

Im sorry if thats TMI...

For me, people now terrify me so much that I freak out in a store but before my past was all pulled out of me by my therapist, when i was more "sane" I suppose, I still only made friends via co-workers and once i found that person that could look past my issues, I make an awesome friend and do anything for anyone, to my complete determint. BUT, no one is willing to look past my issues, especially now that I have more issues. So i remain single and friendless.

When it comes to guys I totally do that "you dont want to date me because of this, this, and most especially THAT!" Give you a little, then a little more, then more.... Let's just see how much of me you can actually take because once you know everything you will surely hate me, and if not I will frustrate you until you leave because im the 'monster that doesnt deserve to be loved'.

***Sigh***

How do we stop doing that again?

It's a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle, isn't it? I get so tired of not being accepted, of being picked at...I just start trying to avoid it all.


It's the hardest of all in romantic relationships. There's that strange combination of intimacy and discomfort. Very unstable. Friendship is only slightly less risky. I don't trust that anyone can love me as I am either.

Sorry that this is a bit lengthy. I once made a post about this on the anxiety forum because I didn't know that this was due to my BPD until my last pdoc visit. Anyway..I'm in a really, really bad place. I'm completely dependent on my boyfriend for my sanity. He works night shift, so he's at work when normally I'd be in bed. As soon as he leaves, I feel terrible anxiety building up inside of me and when I try to eventually sleep, I wake up every hour, sometimes even less, and anxiously check my phone to see if he's texted me. Usually he responds to me and it puts me at ease and I then go back to sleep until I wake up an hour later with the same anxiety. Sometimes though, he's busy and can't respond to my texts or calls. When that happens, I get severe panic attacks where I can't stop crying and kicking/punching around. I just flail around desperately and feel so certain that he's never coming home; that something must have happened to him. It feels like the end of the world and that I'm going to be forced to live alone with absolutely no one to take care of me. He's my lifeline. I have no idea how to function without him and I can't stand being separated from him. The only thing that calms my panic attack is when he responds to me. Otherwise, it continues on and on and gets progressively worse the more time passes.

These panic attacks don't occur only when I'm in bed, though. I've had them no matter what time of day. I've even had them when he got up to get popcorn at the movie theater and was gone for maybe 10 minutes while I sat in my seat. I started texting him and he couldn't respond at that moment so I started crying and did everything I could to prevent anyone else from hearing. He returned soon after, so luckily it did not get to the point where I couldn't vocally control myself. Sometimes I cry so hard I'm practically yelling.

The same thing happened at our public pool, both times we went. He was changing in the men's locker room and since I had to go through the women's locker room, we were separated for 10 minutes because the men's locker room was crowded and held him up. I was waiting on the steps a few feet from the pool and that familiar crippling anxiety started building up inside of me. I immediately thought he was never coming back and that it was a huge mistake to let him out of my line of sight. I tried to distract myself by stepping inside the pool a moment, but I felt even worse because I thought "we were supposed to do this together. why am I alone?" I got out and started pacing frantically back and forth, feeling more and more anxious by the second. I knew I was going to cry but tried my hardest not to. I guess I must have looked as anxious as I felt because a lady asked me if I was ok and if I was looking for someone. I told her that I was, and she tried reassuring me that the men's locker room was packed that day. I appreciated her efforts but I still panicked until I saw him return.

I have many more examples of this, but they are all relatively the same: he's gone for x amount of time, and I feel he's never coming back and break down. For me, this is the absolute worst part of BPD. I feel like a helpless child. I had one of these severe panic attacks last night when he didn't respond to my calls. I'm hardly able to sleep at all anymore and I'm constantly exhausted, which of course amplifies my mental exhaustion as well.

I can understand your desperate fearfulness of being abandoned.

It sounds awful. I feel for you both going through what seems like a nightmare, that is never-ending.

I am not sure your age (and am not asking either) but I am in my early forties, been married nearly twenty years and over these years have become more consciously and emotionally aware of my dependence on my husband. I have fought that dependency, and fought him, tooth and nail most of this time.

I hate being dependent on him and very much feel child-like and vulnerable as a result.

I used to praise him a lot, be so thankful and appreciative of all he did, despite me doing so little. That began hurting me a lot, so then for many years would feel angry with him for doing every thing so well that there has seemed little point in me trying to do anything in my own chaotic, inefficient, unfinished way - not when he could do things twice as well, in half the time. My husband has pretty much sheltered me over the last twenty years, and I feel ashamed that I have not been more the responsible adult myself.

I have been in therapy on and off for over twenty years and had to try lot of therapists (about ten) before I found one I felt safe enough to start allowing years of suppressed emotions to emerge, and to start doing the really deep attachment/abandonment work - this has only been in the last two years.

I want you to know that there is hope, despite the despair and hopelessness you feel. I will hold you in that hope when you have none left for yourself. My therapist has held me in that hope and this has helped me to hang on in there and fight for the life that I deserve, even though I'm exhausted with it all and sometimes it feels like it'll never 'get better'.

As someone else mentioned, keeping a journal can be helpful. I think this saved my life as a child, I started keeping a diary at the age of twelve. If I ever have any doubt that things really aren't getting any better, I can pick up one of these diaries and see just how far I really have come.

And writing this to you has actually helped me to reconnect with my sense of hope.

I'm glad you can come here and share your struggle. This is a safe and welcoming community to be part of...



Safe hugs,

Phx

Phx we are complete opposites. I was widowed and left at a young age to raise two ID sons by myself. I looking back have always had to take care of myself. It must be nice to have your life and have had someone who loves and cares for you this much. I would assume you missed most of the failures that come with BPD-failed relationships, no sense of self, no identity problems. These problems plus others makes for a pretty horrible singe life in my opinion. Can you read the green with envy in this posting. I wish I had your life and people who love me. I have never got to have that type of life. Don't worry about telling me how sad this sounds heard it many times. It really is useless words at this point. I am 65 and just waiting for my death. I never and will never have what I wanted in life. I have had to settle for a daily struggle second class life. I just wanted you to see a different kinda of life so you might see that you have been blessed. We are the black and white all or nothing good and bad that all BPD deal with. The truth is my life is mostly nothing mostly bad and mostly black.

I can understand your desperate fearfulness of being abandoned.

It sounds awful. I feel for you both going through what seems like a nightmare, that is never-ending.

I am not sure your age (and am not asking either) but I am in my early forties, been married nearly twenty years and over these years have become more consciously and emotionally aware of my dependence on my husband. I have fought that dependency, and fought him, tooth and nail most of this time.

I hate being dependent on him and very much feel child-like and vulnerable as a result.

I used to praise him a lot, be so thankful and appreciative of all he did, despite me doing so little. That began hurting me a lot, so then for many years would feel angry with him for doing every thing so well that there has seemed little point in me trying to do anything in my own chaotic, inefficient, unfinished way - not when he could do things twice as well, in half the time. My husband has pretty much sheltered me over the last twenty years, and I feel ashamed that I have not been more the responsible adult myself.

I have been in therapy on and off for over twenty years and had to try lot of therapists (about ten) before I found one I felt safe enough to start allowing years of suppressed emotions to emerge, and to start doing the really deep attachment/abandonment work - this has only been in the last two years.

I want you to know that there is hope, despite the despair and hopelessness you feel. I will hold you in that hope when you have none left for yourself. My therapist has held me in that hope and this has helped me to hang on in there and fight for the life that I deserve, even though I'm exhausted with it all and sometimes it feels like it'll never 'get better'.

As someone else mentioned, keeping a journal can be helpful. I think this saved my life as a child, I started keeping a diary at the age of twelve. If I ever have any doubt that things really aren't getting any better, I can pick up one of these diaries and see just how far I really have come.

And writing this to you has actually helped me to reconnect with my sense of hope.

I'm glad you can come here and share your struggle. This is a safe and welcoming community to be part of...



Safe hugs,

Phx

I know you already know this but be careful. I had a therapist for over 9 years who during one session decided to discharge me that day for a simple thing of crying in session. Nine years down the drain. Not to mention 2 X a week telling me "I will never abandon you". Or really what do we call this.

It sounds awful to invest nine years into a therapist for them to turn around and do what they always promised they would never do, and abandon you. I cannot imagine how horrible and destroying that must feel.

For me, for the first time, I've thrown my whole self into a relationship with a therapist who is repeatedly proving his trustworthiness (in my eyes) and am 'daring greatly', to quote a book I've recently started reading, which is painful and does involve experiencing some excruciating shame and vulnerability. But this is the place I know I need to be right now for my own healing.

I agree with the comment about therapy being a place where crying should be welcome. I've cried for nearly two years in my current therapy - there are floods of tears for many weeks then something lifts and I can touch on things less painful for a couple of weeks then back to the crying. I'm lucky that my therapist is interested and believes in attachment theory, so is understanding and accepting of the intensity of my feelings for him. But yes, there is always a guardedness there, scared to trust too much, to need too much. Thankfully, sometimes I can tell him about these fears.

It sounds awful to invest nine years into a therapist for them to turn around and do what they always promised they would never do, and abandon you. I cannot imagine how horrible and destroying that must feel.

For me, for the first time, I've thrown my whole self into a relationship with a therapist who is repeatedly proving his trustworthiness (in my eyes) and am 'daring greatly', to quote a book I've recently started reading, which is painful and does involve experiencing some excruciating shame and vulnerability. But this is the place I know I need to be right now for my own healing.

I agree with the comment about therapy being a place where crying should be welcome. I've cried for nearly two years in my current therapy - there are floods of tears for many weeks then something lifts and I can touch on things less painful for a couple of weeks then back to the crying. I'm lucky that my therapist is interested and believes in attachment theory, so is understanding and accepting of the intensity of my feelings for him. But yes, there is always a guardedness there, scared to trust too much, to need too much. Thankfully, sometimes I can tell him about these fears.

Sounds like there is a good connect between you and your therapist and seven years is quite an investment. I could never really cry in therapy until my most recent therapist. It completely took me by surprise, like opening the floodgates.

I can still remember the first time a therapist observed and commented on me dissociating, a powerful moment indeed.

Sounds like you have good support, and it is best for your tears to come at your own pace. I used to be terrified of drowning in my pain and despair...