[MobiusPsyche]

I've already posted a few times so I thought I should introduce myself and tell my story.

I’m 43 years old, single by choice, and have multiple diagnoses (physical and psychiatric). It seems when I make some headway with a physical problem, another one pops up or my psychiatric functioning takes a hit. It is like a huge game of whack-a-mole. It’s been this way since I was 16 and started having grand mal seizures out of nowhere, on top of the depression that started at age 14 (if not earlier). Puberty messed with my brain on a massive scale. I am hoping that menopause will not be quite so traumatic.

I’ve been diagnosed with major depression since age 14 and I don’t believe there has been a period of more than four months in all that time without significant symptoms of depression. So, add in dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder). Other problems that are not exactly diagnoses: dissociation, self-harm, memories/flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at age 18 by a psychiatrist at a state hospital who interviewed me for less than an hour; I didn’t believe him. I opened up to a therapist I had when I was 16-21, but since then I’ve never really done so. Seen several therapists, a couple for years at a time, but was only willing to deal with the depression. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past year and I have opened up to her, as much as I am able, and she diagnosed me with BPD as well. So I’m dealing with the sadness and regret, there; I could have dealt with it decades earlier and perhaps had a better quality of life all these years. (Except they didn’t have DBT or anything much to offer people with BPD back in the early 1990s; it was truly a “trashcan” diagnosis.)

I’ve been on psych meds since age 16, with only a two-year hiatus that did not end well. I accept that I’ll need to be on them for the rest of my life in some form, to be able to function adequately. I also accept that doing this will decrease my lifespan somewhat; however, suicide would decrease it much more dramatically so I accept it.

I’ll also have to be on medications for physical problems for the rest of my life, starting with thyroid hormone and progressing from there. I’m currently on 3 psych meds and at least six other meds. Physical conditions include lumbar spinal stenosis, which causes pain and numbness down both legs; migraines; asthma which developed after age 30; and high blood pressure. There are several more but who needs all that detail?

This is my first time really seeking out social support for any of my illnesses. I’m just here to learn from other people’s experiences and see that I’m not alone. I’m a professional in the ‘helping professions,’ as they say, but I don’t work directly with clients because that is too emotionally overwhelming for me. So: you won’t run into me at your next appointment! No worries!

[cryingontheinside]

Hello, and thank you for sharing! Welcome to PC, I hope you find it helpful.

Sophie,

Love, light and peace

Sent from my GT-S6810P using Tapatalk

[Skeezyks]

Hello MobiusPsyche: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. I can relate to allot of what you wrote. I'm in my mid 60's now & I also look back & wonder what my life might have been like if I had received help when I was young. But, of course, I also know that realistically there was no help back when I was young. I have a ruptured disc in my low back that impinges on the sciatic nerve. So I have sciatica down both legs as well... more left than right. I'm not on any med's at this point. They've never helped that much & I can't afford them. Oh, & back when I was employed, I was also in the so-called helping professions...

P.S. Your user name made me wonder if, by some chance, you are a fan of author / educator: Parker J. Palmer... "life on the Mobius strip..."

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

I've already posted a few times so I thought I should introduce myself and tell my story.

I’m 43 years old, single by choice, and have multiple diagnoses (physical and psychiatric). It seems when I make some headway with a physical problem, another one pops up or my psychiatric functioning takes a hit. It is like a huge game of whack-a-mole. It’s been this way since I was 16 and started having grand mal seizures out of nowhere, on top of the depression that started at age 14 (if not earlier). Puberty messed with my brain on a massive scale. I am hoping that menopause will not be quite so traumatic.

I’ve been diagnosed with major depression since age 14 and I don’t believe there has been a period of more than four months in all that time without significant symptoms of depression. So, add in dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder). Other problems that are not exactly diagnoses: dissociation, self-harm, memories/flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at age 18 by a psychiatrist at a state hospital who interviewed me for less than an hour; I didn’t believe him. I opened up to a therapist I had when I was 16-21, but since then I’ve never really done so. Seen several therapists, a couple for years at a time, but was only willing to deal with the depression. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past year and I have opened up to her, as much as I am able, and she diagnosed me with BPD as well. So I’m dealing with the sadness and regret, there; I could have dealt with it decades earlier and perhaps had a better quality of life all these years. (Except they didn’t have DBT or anything much to offer people with BPD back in the early 1990s; it was truly a “trashcan” diagnosis.)

I’ve been on psych meds since age 16, with only a two-year hiatus that did not end well. I accept that I’ll need to be on them for the rest of my life in some form, to be able to function adequately. I also accept that doing this will decrease my lifespan somewhat; however, suicide would decrease it much more dramatically so I accept it.

I’ll also have to be on medications for physical problems for the rest of my life, starting with thyroid hormone and progressing from there. I’m currently on 3 psych meds and at least six other meds. Physical conditions include lumbar spinal stenosis, which causes pain and numbness down both legs; migraines; asthma which developed after age 30; and high blood pressure. There are several more but who needs all that detail?

This is my first time really seeking out social support for any of my illnesses. I’m just here to learn from other people’s experiences and see that I’m not alone. I’m a professional in the ‘helping professions,’ as they say, but I don’t work directly with clients because that is too emotionally overwhelming for me. So: you won’t run into me at your next appointment! No worries!

There is another member here from your area. Her ID is crpyts_of_the_mind. She may be of help to you. Hopefully I spelled everything correctly.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Hi MobiusPsyche,

We have a lot in common . I too have gran mal seizures (have had them since I was 15mo old, I am now 41yr old), depression and borderline personality. I have a few other things too - but I will just stick with the ones we have in common for now, ok?

You said you were diagnosed with your depression and BPD while you were still pretty young. I understand your explanation on not doing much for your BPD back then, did you try anything for depression back then? I saw you mentioned thyroid meds - do you have problems with your thyroid? That too can cause depression to worsen. Did you have any specific traumatic type events that triggered the initial onset of the depression (if you don't want to answer that it's fine).

For me, they actually did have me on hypothroidism meds for a time, but I got to a point I could no longer afford the doc so I no longer take that. I still take meds for my seizures. Mostly though, I try to control my depression by more natural methods because I trust them more than medication, and my BPD I just try to contain through what I am able to learn about DBT.

I am not able to get to an actual DBT therapist not can I afford to buy the books - so I go to a book store that lets me read them there at the store and research information out online as much as possible too.

What types of treatments have you tried - and have any of them been beneficial at all?

Please don't beat yourself up about not seeking help sooner. There is something a good friend of mine once taught me:

"We cannot change the past, we cannot know the future - but by living the best we can now, today, we can make our tommorow better than our yesterday."

She and I no longer talk, but many of the things she taught me remain with me today - so I don't regret the friendship, it helped me grow. Neither should you regret your decision to wait on getting help - you gained something from it, if I had to guess I would say "strength". It takes a lot of strength to survive when you feel like life is never gonna get better for you and you look around to see everyone else happy. I know, it took me til I was 25 to get help - and I had been hurting badly since I was 12. Oh, my step mom and dad took me to counseling for a few months when I was a teen, but it was more of a way of letting me know what a bad child I was than an actual attempt at help. I still have never really received true help but I have been educating myself how to help myself betteer in some ways. So, I understand both your pain and your frustration - but please know, it doesn't have to be a "death sentence". From what I read, it sounds like that's how you perceive it?

[shezbut]

Hello and welcome MobiousPsyche

I wanted to let you know that I can relate to several of your issues as well. I did open a special forum for those with brain injuries and mental illness, you should come check it out sometime! http://forums.psychcentral.com/brain...nal-disorders/

I am 45 years old, with TLE, traumatic brain injury, chronic major depression, and BPD..as well as a few other physical & emotional issues. But I don't want to bore you! LOL

My seizures began in early childhood but weren't recognized until one secondarily-generalized and became tonic-clonic around age 26. That's when treatment finally began for me. I've been going to therapy (pretty much non-stop) since I was in 6th grade due to my emotional issues. *sigh* It hasn't been easy, that's for sure. But, as some like to say, "we've all got it rough". At least, that's what my ex-MIL used to say to me.

As you can see, you aren't alone. Gentle hugs and best wishes sent your way!

[MobiusPsyche]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Hello and welcome MobiousPsyche

I wanted to let you know that I can relate to several of your issues as well. I did open a special forum for those with brain injuries and mental illness, you should come check it out sometime! http://forums.psychcentral.com/brain...nal-disorders/

Thanks so much, I will check that out!

I didn't mention it but...I stopped having grand mal seizures when I was about twenty, so I am fortunate in that way. I'm sorry to hear that you and others still have them. I continue to have some neurological issues, and I had a stroke when I was just 17 so I'll definitely check out the forum. Thank you!

[MobiusPsyche]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Hi MobiusPsyche,

We have a lot in common . I too have gran mal seizures (have had them since I was 15mo old, I am now 41yr old), depression and borderline personality. I have a few other things too - but I will just stick with the ones we have in common for now, ok?

You said you were diagnosed with your depression and BPD while you were still pretty young. I understand your explanation on not doing much for your BPD back then, did you try anything for depression back then? I saw you mentioned thyroid meds - do you have problems with your thyroid? That too can cause depression to worsen. Did you have any specific traumatic type events that triggered the initial onset of the depression (if you don't want to answer that it's fine).

For me, they actually did have me on hypothroidism meds for a time, but I got to a point I could no longer afford the doc so I no longer take that. I still take meds for my seizures. Mostly though, I try to control my depression by more natural methods because I trust them more than medication, and my BPD I just try to contain through what I am able to learn about DBT.

I am not able to get to an actual DBT therapist not can I afford to buy the books - so I go to a book store that lets me read them there at the store and research information out online as much as possible too.

What types of treatments have you tried - and have any of them been beneficial at all?

Please don't beat yourself up about not seeking help sooner. There is something a good friend of mine once taught me:

"We cannot change the past, we cannot know the future - but by living the best we can now, today, we can make our tommorow better than our yesterday."

She and I no longer talk, but many of the things she taught me remain with me today - so I don't regret the friendship, it helped me grow. Neither should you regret your decision to wait on getting help - you gained something from it, if I had to guess I would say "strength". It takes a lot of strength to survive when you feel like life is never gonna get better for you and you look around to see everyone else happy. I know, it took me til I was 25 to get help - and I had been hurting badly since I was 12. Oh, my step mom and dad took me to counseling for a few months when I was a teen, but it was more of a way of letting me know what a bad child I was than an actual attempt at help. I still have never really received true help but I have been educating myself how to help myself betteer in some ways. So, I understand both your pain and your frustration - but please know, it doesn't have to be a "death sentence". From what I read, it sounds like that's how you perceive it?

Thank you for your response.

No trauma-related things triggered the initial depression. I think I had been depressed for a while, but there was a worsening when I was 13 or 14 so that's where I put the "start date." Some life events were contributing to the depression then, causing extra stress, but nothing trauma-related.

I've been on synthetic thyroid hormone since age 16. I had a tiny (benign) tumor growing on my pituitary that was causing my hormones to be all out of whack. We were able to shrink that initial tumor through medication, but I still have to take thyroid hormones. I am thinking of switching to Armour thyroid but haven't done so yet.

I'm sorry to hear that you can't afford medications. I've heard several people say that, and it makes me sad and angry; our healthcare system sucks. I'm very fortunate in that a) my job has generous healthcare benefits and b) I've been able to keep my job.

The DBT workbooks are very helpful. I'm not doing full-blown DBT either; I don't do well in group settings because I get so overwhelmed. I started doing mindfulness meditations about five months ago and I'm only now starting to see benefits in terms of my mood being more stable.

I'm doing individual psychotherapy (twice a week) instead, because I prefer that route and because my insurance company will help pay for it. (Fortunate again.)

I've done tons of individual therapy but I was holding back on all but two of the therapists. It definitely does help me to cope better with the depression, though. And for one period I had a boss who was literally The Problem, so it helped to have someone to process what was happening with. I've also taken medications for most of the time since I was diagnosed, antidepressants almost the entire time and some mood stabilizers in there as well occasionally. I find that the medication does not, will not, get rid of the depression but it does allow me to function and get out of bed and go into work when I absolutely have to so I keep taking it. The benefits outweigh the risks for me, at this point in time. The only thing I haven't tried is ECT; saving that for when I really need it, I guess.

I don't see any of these things--psychiatric or physical problems--as a death sentence. I do think that many of them will be with me until I die, but that's different--I guess that's a life sentence, not a death sentence? (Suicide is the obvious exception for me; depression and BPD could literally kill me...someday. Not today. )

Thank you again for sharing your experience, and for reading about mine.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

Thank you for your response.

No trauma-related things triggered the initial depression. I think I had been depressed for a while, but there was a worsening when I was 13 or 14 so that's where I put the "start date." Some life events were contributing to the depression then, causing extra stress, but nothing trauma-related.

I've been on synthetic thyroid hormone since age 16. I had a tiny (benign) tumor growing on my pituitary that was causing my hormones to be all out of whack. We were able to shrink that initial tumor through medication, but I still have to take thyroid hormones. I am thinking of switching to Armour thyroid but haven't done so yet.

I'm sorry to hear that you can't afford medications. I've heard several people say that, and it makes me sad and angry; our healthcare system sucks. I'm very fortunate in that a) my job has generous healthcare benefits and b) I've been able to keep my job.

The DBT workbooks are very helpful. I'm not doing full-blown DBT either; I don't do well in group settings because I get so overwhelmed. I started doing mindfulness meditations about five months ago and I'm only now starting to see benefits in terms of my mood being more stable.

I'm doing individual psychotherapy (twice a week) instead, because I prefer that route and because my insurance company will help pay for it. (Fortunate again.)

I've done tons of individual therapy but I was holding back on all but two of the therapists. It definitely does help me to cope better with the depression, though. And for one period I had a boss who was literally The Problem, so it helped to have someone to process what was happening with. I've also taken medications for most of the time since I was diagnosed, antidepressants almost the entire time and some mood stabilizers in there as well occasionally. I find that the medication does not, will not, get rid of the depression but it does allow me to function and get out of bed and go into work when I absolutely have to so I keep taking it. The benefits outweigh the risks for me, at this point in time. The only thing I haven't tried is ECT; saving that for when I really need it, I guess.

I don't see any of these things--psychiatric or physical problems--as a death sentence. I do think that many of them will be with me until I die, but that's different--I guess that's a life sentence, not a death sentence? (Suicide is the obvious exception for me; depression and BPD could literally kill me...someday. Not today. )

Thank you again for sharing your experience, and for reading about mine.

Hey again ,

I had problems with anti depressants and mood stabilizers only "half working" too - meaning they only made things "do-able" but not really "good". I was fine with that for a long time because I figured it was better than feeling as bad as I had before, and hey, the risks weren't that bad because I hadn't experienced any of the major ones just the drowsiness n nausea n dizziness n etc - so as long as it made things do-able I was happy. Then I found out natural stuff can have better effects with less side effects. I didn't believe that but, I was frustrated with my docs telling me they had tried me on everything so I had no other options for meds, and with the meds not really helping and the therapists not filling in the gaps where the meds were "falling short" - so I thought I'd give it a try. I started with essential oils. Lavender was the first one I tried - it relaxed me really well whenever I would get really anxious and let me sleelp when I got insomnia and cured my migraines. It really impressed me. So, the next month I ordered more lavender plus two other kinds - rose and cedarwood. Rose is awesome when I get overwhelmed with depression and cedarwood is great if I ever start dissociating. Then I learned exercise releases some of the endorphines in your brain that antidepressants use - so I started walking more. By the way any kind of "human touch" like a hug or etc will do the same. Then my doctor told me I was low on vitamin d which could not only cause me to have more depression but also trigger more seizures. He told me to take 1000 mg vit d daily, also told me the sun is a natural way to get vit d. There are many foods and drinks that can help with depression too. Same things with mood stabilization - vitamins and foods and essential oils for it. Also though - relaxation excercises and coping techniques. And yes, DBT and mindfulness. There are many other natural things - yoga, massage, tai chi, herbs, etc.

Medication can be good, but it comes with risks and your body will eventually develop an immunity to them and then you either have to raise the dosage (making the risks greater) or try a new drug which is always frustrating, so I just thought I'd give you a few ideas. I got a book not too long ago explaining home remedies for many things. I am not sure if it has anything for thyroid, but I can look if you want me to?

I have been in and out of seeing both psychiatrists and counselors now for 16 yrs. with very little imorovement. I have only been learning about the natural methods the past 2 yrs. with noticeable improvement. No matter what you choose it takes a lit of work and determination. It's not something that cannot be done though. I used to think it was. I used to think it was just gonna be a lifelong thing for me and there was no getting out of it. In some ways, I think the mental health system aided me in accepting that belief. I encourage you to try all avenues before you "accept defeat to your illness".

Message me anytime.

Take care!

*hugs*

[MobiusPsyche]

I am also deficient in Vitamin D; take 800 mg a day because that's what comes with this my calcium supplement and I like getting two things at once. I also take vitamin B-2 and Co-Q-10 to help prevent migraines; they do decrease the frequency somewhat.

Natural remedies are great but just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe...although being approved by the FDA definitely doesn't mean a drug's safe, either!!! I know that everything takes a toll on my body, but that's true of carbohydrates and stress and, well, everything we do on a daily basis so I just try to make the best decisions I can. We all have to be informed consumers, is the key. I research everything I do as much as I can, and it sounds like you do too, so we're on the right track.

I don't usually consider natural remedies but my therapist suggests them sometimes (I always have to read the studies myself before I try anything, but she understands that).

Thanks for sharing your experience! It seems like smells are very important; for me, sounds are triggering (good and bad). The sound of a person's voice is the single biggest factor in whether I'll like them or hate them or fall in love with them, LOL!

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

I am also deficient in Vitamin D; take 800 mg a day because that's what comes with this my calcium supplement and I like getting two things at once. I also take vitamin B-2 and Co-Q-10 to help prevent migraines; they do decrease the frequency somewhat.

Natural remedies are great but just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe...although being approved by the FDA definitely doesn't mean a drug's safe, either!!! I know that everything takes a toll on my body, but that's true of carbohydrates and stress and, well, everything we do on a daily basis so I just try to make the best decisions I can. We all have to be informed consumers, is the key. I research everything I do as much as I can, and it sounds like you do too, so we're on the right track.

I don't usually consider natural remedies but my therapist suggests them sometimes (I always have to read the studies myself before I try anything, but she understands that).

Thanks for sharing your experience! It seems like smells are very important; for me, sounds are triggering (good and bad). The sound of a person's voice is the single biggest factor in whether I'll like them or hate them or fall in love with them, LOL!

Very true not all natural remedies are safe - and just like medications there are possibilities of allergies or addverse reactions in some. Yes, I too do research on things first. Just to clarify though- essential oils isn't only about smell - thats "aromatherapy" - essential oils includes many different uses - inhalation, diffusion, application, consuming, soaking - just to name a few.

Triggers can be very important - both in healing or in becoming more ill. Music can actually be very therapeutic as well. There are several different kinds of therapuetic music available - nature sounds, instrumental, delta wave, alpha wave, tibetan chakra, etc - you can even find playlists of them on youtube if you dont want or cant buy them.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

I am also deficient in Vitamin D; take 800 mg a day because that's what comes with this my calcium supplement and I like getting two things at once. I also take vitamin B-2 and Co-Q-10 to help prevent migraines; they do decrease the frequency somewhat.

Natural remedies are great but just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe...although being approved by the FDA definitely doesn't mean a drug's safe, either!!! I know that everything takes a toll on my body, but that's true of carbohydrates and stress and, well, everything we do on a daily basis so I just try to make the best decisions I can. We all have to be informed consumers, is the key. I research everything I do as much as I can, and it sounds like you do too, so we're on the right track.

I don't usually consider natural remedies but my therapist suggests them sometimes (I always have to read the studies myself before I try anything, but she understands that).

Thanks for sharing your experience! It seems like smells are very important; for me, sounds are triggering (good and bad). The sound of a person's voice is the single biggest factor in whether I'll like them or hate them or fall in love with them, LOL!

Very true not all natural remedies are safe - and just like medications there are possibilities of allergies or adverse reactions in some. All I was meaning is there are less side effects and especially less major side effects. Yes, I too do research on things first. Just to clarify though- essential oils isn't only about smell - thats "aromatherapy" - essential oils includes many different uses - inhalation, diffusion, application, consuming, soaking - just to name a few.

Triggers can be very important - both in healing or in becoming more ill. Music can actually be very therapeutic as well. There are several different kinds of therapuetic music available - nature sounds, instrumental, delta wave, alpha wave, tibetan chakra, etc - you can even find playlists of them on youtube if you dont want or cant buy them.