feeling like two people

I feel like two entirely different people who want completely different lives. I have always felt a certain way in one phase of life and then like another in a different phase. But now it's kinda happening at the same time. It is extremely confusing because this is getting way out of control and affects every choice I make. My view of everything basically changes so rapidly and keeps switching. In a way it is kinda like an argument in my head and sometimes I see it in my actions and the way I feel towards my closest relationships( these changes are not slight, they are two different extremes. For example, my boyfriend, I am completely in love with him and then suddenly I think of him and I feel nothing, like I don't even know him and I couldn't care less. This keeps switching in like minutes.) I don't want to assume anything. I just want answers. I have had trouble in the past with extreme anxiety( I still do) and blackouts and involuntary anger lashes.

I very much relate to what you've written. Those internal arguments are a regular thing for me. I'm not sure what to say about the splitting and fragmentation/divisions of self as I'm still struggling with those things myself. There are still two of me, even if those two have become less fragmented with lots of work. It's very frustrating & distressing trying to live a life between those two, or to choose one or the other. To keep one from destroying what the other seeks or has gained. The switch is too complete. One is always in the shadow of the other. (The cycle of seeking and fleeing intimacy could also be part of your flips as well.)

How does one reconcile the two? I'm still trying to figure that out.

I'm trying to figure out how I can be madly in love with my man, then completely break up with him and think nothing of it until the dreaded pain of longing fills me and I'm desperate for him once again. How come I don't know how to fix this? What do we do? All I can say is I relate.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Are you seeing a therapist or anyone about this ?

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I have borderline and bipolar so i can definitely relate to feeling like two people. My depressed side wants to save money and sleep forever and be alone. My manic side wants to spend and stay up around the clock and be the life of the party. It's hard to get ahead financially. I sometimes think of that Bruce Springsteen song, "Two Faces" from his "Tunnel of Love" album. It's such an absurd way to live, being at cross-purposes with yourself.

No I'm not seeing anybody about this. My circumstances don't exactly allow it. I was hoping to understand what is going on, since I don't really have a way to get a diagnosis.

Do you think that I could have borderline personality disorder?? Although I don't really have a depressed and a maniacal side. It's more like 1) rebellious, anti-social, non-empathetic, independent person and 2) happy, accommodating, weak, emotional, people person.

It's the worst when there is a fight for control. Making life altering decisions is impossible.

I totally relate to this, not just with an SO (dont have one) but virtually everyone in my life. Idealizing and then loathing is another thing that is characteristic of borderlines. I do this with everyone... my coworkers, my bosses, family members.

for me it feels like a defense mechanism, like when i am feeling comfortable or close to that person or if i feel they may leave me i want to push them away by "hating" them then i talk myself down and the cycle continues. for me i think its the fear of vulnerability and intimacy with another person. just posting this in case someone else can relate if not the op... its so difficult sometimes because i have this internal world that no one knows about

I dont have a depressed maniacal side really either. i dont deal with depression that much but your 1 & 2 i can very much relate to ... almost to a "t"

i have self-diagnosed as borderline, but will be getting into therapy very soon to figure it out hopefully

I so understand the "internal world" you are talking about. And about the defense mechanism... that is so true. I push people away because I can't stand being vulnerable or hurt. I find it hard to trust anybody with anything..

Literally feel the same exact way.

I also have BP, so it's a bit like 4 (or 5, including non-affective psychosis) persons. Let's call the BP ones M and D. But 1 very much relates to M and 2 to D.

That actually makes the contrasts between persons weaker. There also isn't a person in the middle. No stable me. But I'm convinced it's a good thing. I even think a starker contrast will lead to worse BP or BP for those of us that don't have it.

The turmoil is a way of associating (cf. dissociating) the two states/persons. Like blurring a line drawn with a pencil with your thumb. What remains is confused. Black nor white.

But it's an awful non-state to be in. But it is a state as well. Just complicated and confusing, a cause for anger, irritability and hopelessness.

So, I finally got some medical help. The way they explain it seems a lot less scary. I have developed a defense mechanism(my rebellious, angry, non-empathetic side) that I use on an unconscious level to protect myself from anything that might even slightly pose a threat. Now, I know who I really am. But I can't deny the fact that I feel small and weak and vulnerable being myself. I think that on a very basic level, I need my defensive side(without which I seem to think I cannot survive, because the thought of letting that side go gives me an anxiety attack). I feel like I'm dissociating myself into two different people because I'm unable to accept and take responsibility for my defensive side(because she is pretty brash and aggressive, but I have never felt more stronger and empowered in my life). I think I might be developing an unhealthy addiction to my defensive self(if that makes sense).

Can I just lend your shoulder's to cry on? I'm tired.

Think my tearducts are already harden, tears don't easily come out