[NotImportantAtAll]

Okay, sorry if this is the wrong subforum for this question, there are so many subforums it's confusing and at this moment I am incapable of calmly searching for the right one. I am a 22 year old male who was bullied a lot in my youth, that is the reason why my parents suggested me to visit a psychologist, I've been diagnosed with just depression at first, then I was transferred to another psychologist.

After some fairly "simple" tests (just forms I had to answer) my psychologist diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder, so I accepted that diagnosis because I thought that he was right. I still haven't started any treatment because it isn't possible yet... So I went to do my own research on this disorder and I myself came to the conclusion that it's a wrong diagnosis. Now you might think "How can you know better than somebody who is an expert at this?" Well like I said, I simply filled in some forms... I don't think the results are that reliable, of course that's my opinion.

So when I searched on possible disorders that fit my problems the one that really caught my eye is borderline personality disorder. Why? I shall explain.

One of my biggest problems is my anger, I can start raging like crazy over something really simple and I have no control whatsoever over my anger, I can't stop it or control it. I start kicking and throwing objects around me, screaming to the person I have a problem with at that time and there is no way I can calm down. Taking a deep breath does not work.

Everyday I have a completely worthless feeling, or better to describe it empty feeling, nothing matters. The biggest reason why I suspect of myself that I have borderline is the way I treated my only friend, a girl who I got feelings for, I have never had a girlfriend before. I talked with her everyday until the moment I ****ed up, I got feelings and told her... she rejected me but wanted to stay friends, ever since our "friendship" has been destroyed by me. I sometimes play games with her and when I see her playing with somebody else I get jealous, crazy and paranoid. Im afraid she will stop being my friend and choose the other people over me. So stupid as I am I confront her with this and so starts a big fight... one moment I trust her, the other I don't at all, one moment she is perfect, the other she is the anti-christ. We've been in so many fights that I lost count, at some point I threatened her that I would commit suicide, I actually did this several times, as a cry for help. I promise it won't happen again but it happens again and again. Im so afraid she will have enough one day and then Ill be all alone again, I do anything to prevent this but sadly in a wrong way... Im just getting her more distant from me.

I am not really impulsive... at least not with the normal described possibilities. Have no access to alcohol, I barely/never drive a car, I do binge eat from time to time but not that excesssive it happens more often that I dont eat at all. I do sometimes buy things I do not need at all or never use, but its not that crazy that I spent too damn much money.
However I change my career ambitions on a frequent basis, I started an education as IT engineer but changed my ambitions at least 5 times within last 2 years.

My emotions can change very fast, I can wake up happy, be angry an hour later for a couple hours and go to bed sad.

Often I hit myself, I do not cut but I start hitting myself, not softly but full of rage, hitting my head, my arms, chest... anywhere I feel like at that moment. Feeling suicidal very often.

Sorry for the long text and possible grammar mistakes. I just need to know what others think, I send something similar to this to my psychologist but she hasn't reacted for days.

Thank you.

Yes, it does sound like borderline to me. The idealization and devaluation of your one friend and the rapid changes in ambitions sound like classic symptoms. I don't know about the ragefulness as i don't experience that. Of course, i'm not a professional. But i think a borderline diagnosis would be worth exploring with a professional.

[Chuva]

Idealization/devaluation, rapid changes in ambition, rages – all of this can be symptoms of BPD. However, you might or might not have it, we are no professionals so can't help you that much or diagnose you. I think you did the right thing in sending a similar letter to your psychologist, though it seems strange to me she hasn't had a reaction yet.

I think, if BPD is what you think you might have, you should ask your therapists to explore the possibility and perhaps give you more accurate tests.

I can only tell you that BPD is sometimes difficult to diagnose, also because mental health professionals are sometimes the first ones to stigmatize the diagnosis and so prefer not to diagnose it at all. It took me 13 years to get the right diagnosis of BPD, and I know of other people who had to wait many years too.

[onionknight]

I can only tell you that BPD is sometimes difficult to diagnose, also because mental health professionals are sometimes the first ones to stigmatize the diagnosis and so prefer not to diagnose it at all. It took me 13 years to get the right diagnosis of BPD, and I know of other people who had to wait many years too.

When I was diagnosed (after a thorough psychological assessment), the psychologist was like 'I really don't giving this diagnosis...but I'm going to give it to you.'

[elyom]

Yes, it does sound like borderline to me

[ScarletPimpernel]

In the end, for treatment, the diagnosis doesn't really matter. The symptoms do. But I do understand wanting a diagnosis and a correct one at that. A lot of BPD has to do with the past. For example: age of onset. This usually comes up in early teens. But you will not (or should not) get a diagnosis of BPD as a teen because normal teenage behavior can mimic it. Another aspect is trauma. Most have experienced some sort of trauma before the teen years. Also, there's your family. Usually, at least one parent has narcissistic personality disorder or BPD (or maybe something else?).

But it's hard to guess a diagnosis based iff of symptoms alone. BP and other personality disorders can have similar symptoms.

[NotImportantAtAll]

Okay thank you all for your reactions, I know only an expert can make this diagnosis but I needed to ask it here first since somehow I'm afraid my psychologist wont take me seriously since she hasn't reacted to my mail that I sent many days ago.