Does anyone else feel like they're floating?

Sorry so long....

I'm not sure that floating is the best word, but right now it's all that I can think of.

In some ways I'm a very forceful personality. I will dig my heels in and not budge a bit. Then other times I'm petrified of confrontation and I do nothing.

Still trying to figure out the words....

My whole life I feel like I've just drifted from one thing to the next. Relationships, schools, jobs. I feel sometimes like I'm a log drifting down a river going wherever the wind blows me. I've made choices, but in hindsight, it's almost like they weren't mine. It's like something was put in front of me and "Meh. OK."

Then sometimes I get geared up for BIG change. Planning and planning and not moving one inch. Or I move an inch, bump up against something and end up 3 feet back.

I used to consider myself creative and now I feel like I NEVER have an independent thought. I feel like I NEED to hear that I'm doing something right OR that it's OK or smart for me to do what I want to do. (I usually go to one of two advisors who are EXTREMELY smart and care about me a lot. One is my sister and the other is a friend who used to be my sponsor in Emotions Anonymous.) It's like I need my sister to either tell me it's OK or to tell me how to do it better or "right" before I take some sort of action.

My first marriage, my husband died right before we were separated for a year. In that time we attempted reconciliation and then I found a new shiny object (male) that I needed and that was pretty much when I got over that reconciliation thing. We were in couple's therapy before the separation and I bailed. I'm married now again and sometimes I feel like it isn't right. Then I'm afraid to bail because I really regretted what I did the first time. Do I stay or do I go? Are the issues I have really enough to warrant a divorce? I don't know. And all of these issues seem to break down to the fact that I DON'T TRUST MY OWN DECISIONS!!!

I feel like a lot of the things that make me uncomfortable in my own marriage are due to my own issues. I don't trust my husband. It's not a "he's cheating on me" thing, it's that when he tells me that he loves me I think he lies.

I'll give an example. We were on a couples outing and I was talking to one of the other women. She's shorter than me. Now we just met them. Our husbands are a distance away from us as we're chatting. We get inside and my husband tells me that I was putting my hand in her face which is impolite. I went off on him that he's ALWAYS criticizing me. When he gets on me about the crap I eat it's code for "I'm too fat." When he got on me about this, "He's trying to fix me because I'm embarrassing to him." He tells me it's because he loves me and worries about my health - LIE - and that he's just trying to make me cognizant of my body language and to lift me up - LIE! How do you solve these kinds of problems? Do I want a divorce? Does he love me or is he a controlling a-hole? I'm sure you all know how it doesn't take much to flip that switch and I feel like I'm just constantly turned on. Especially when I have too much going on in my life (like I do right now).

So I float. I just keep on keeping on until the lightning strikes and the ride gets bumpy with some stupid s_it he says. Then we get to start all over!!!

Sometimes he will give me the "it's because I love you" line and I believe it. Other times it just makes me cry. The couples outing led to some good talking but it also had me crying for over an hour (felt like eternity).

I say good talking because he said I let some stuff out. The problem is did he hear it? Did he REALLY hear it? Does he know how to apply it? Because a lot of the stuff I said I've said before. I just went a little deeper in telling him where I THINK it comes from. I told him that I already feel like I'm worthless and that I don't need him to reinforce it. Other times I am sure that nobody is as smart as me, I don't get the credit I deserve and I'm worth more than my job pays me etc. How is ANYBODY supposed to be able to maintain a relationship in this lunacy???? I'm really starting to feel like I simply cannot live with anyone and I should just become a spinster. I'll get a half dozen more cats and be done with it.

I can relate to most, if not everything you've posted.


Therapy has helped me quite a bit though, sadly it will be ending soon, so I don't exactly feel like going into detail.


I'm sorry you're living in such turmoil, floating makes perfect sense.

Yeah. Right now I don't want to keep working up therapy bills. I'm not working but my copay is $63 because I didn't realize he was out of network (my insurance logo is on the site) but I love him and really don't want to start over with someone else. He said he'd be willing to reduce the rate, but I don't know if he can do that while I do still have insurance (there's an outside company that negotiates rates w/ the insurance companies). Going to get back as soon as I get a job.

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