[xavier.s]

My gender has keep switching on me....wouldn't be that much of a problem if I didn't feel gender dysphoria.

So I'm female at birth, when my bpd began to worsened when I was a teenage my gender identity became turbulent. Here's what was happening, I started to develop more masculinity into my appearance, unknowingly at first then knowingly. I actually shaved me head, I thought for sure I'm a ftm transgender. That wouldn't be much of a problem if I didn't get certain identity disturbances almost like I had dissociated my past transgender identity, completely changing my appearance and my masculinity into being more feminine/womanly in a matter of minutes!!!!! It put spurts of doubt in my mind, whats going on? When I was a woman I'd say for sure, I'm a woman that old me was just fooling around I'm not transgender. Then I become a man/masculine I'd start searching places to get hormone replacement therapy done. The identities become so dissociated that it drives me insane, I self-medicate with drugs to calm myself. My therapist told me why can't you be both genders? The things is I don't want to live most of my life hating my womanly body and experiencing sever gender dysphoria.

Also, it becomes confusing when I relate to woman, like it questions me being a transgender male. I think there is a deeply rooted problem, I need your help guys, what do identity disturbances mean, I really don't want to physically transition and then regret it, if you know what I mean. Is this more of a deeply rooted problem, how should I assess this my therapist is no help.If you could give resources that'd be great as well!!!

[objectclient]

Hi. I know exactly how you feel. I'm so sorry. It's horrible, isn't it?

Although I don't have BPD, the identity instability/disturbance is one of a few symptoms I can definitely identify with. I came to the realization that I was transgender a few years ago but because of my identity instability, I can't decide which gender I am or whether I want to live full time as one or the other. Social situations make it worse. My gender identity changes depending on who I'm with and how I feel.

Like you, my identities are also dissociated. I dissociate if I present as a female or a male, but each in different ways. When I feel myself about to dissociate because of my gender dysphoria or my identity feeling like it's slipping away and changing from male to female, I find the only way to bring myself back is to think of myself as neutral, neither male or female or somewhere half way between the two. I stick to neutral names and pronouns, clothing, colours, hobbies, behaviour etc., even though I'm pretty sure that I am transgender and can't imagine the rest of my life in this body. I also try to think of myself as a person before a gender identity, if that makes sense. That way I don't feel so dysphoric and I feel more free to behave how I want to behave rather than how my gender should behave. All of this helps me get by in the short term. Long term, I'm afraid I don't have the answers. Therapy has done nothing for me either, even therapy intended for BPD.

I sometimes find it helpful to talk to other people on transgender forums. All I can suggest as a starting point is to maybe try that and see if you can find any answers there.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help.